PTSD, Sleep

No Rest For the Weary

Sleep is not coming tonight.  I slept for about 45 minutes and woke up out of a nightmare.  I have extra Trazodone I could use.  But honestly, I don’t really want to sleep.  It brings nothing but pain lately.

Add muscle spasms from hell into the mix.  Can we say fun?

I’m sitting here in the living room and the tears just keep rolling down my face.  This is the first time in a long time that I’ve cried.  Really cried.

I’ve been up for a good two hours.  I think I’ll go downstairs and try to sleep on the couch.  Beds are triggering me like they used to.  I’ll probably bring it up with my psychiatrist when I see her in a week and a half.  I’m sure she’ll basically say therapy (which I’m working on).

I’m half tempted to call mobile crisis because I’m having serious SI urges.  I don’t know if talking to someone will make any difference though.

Okay.  Signing off for the night morning.

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Medication, Mental Health, Pain, PTSD, Sleep

Itty Bitty Baby Steps

After working on it for like a month, I’ve finally called a psychologist.  I tried doing the Psychology Today route.  Too confusing since my insurance is administered by X company, but because it’s Medicaid, people who take X don’t necessarily take my form of X.  Today I worked up the courage to call X company directly and get some names.  I took those names and Googled.  Luckily one of the people specializes in trauma.  I left a message on voice mail.  Thankfully, she’s out of the office until Monday and I can quit stressing over it until then.

Earlier, I saw useless GP.  Remarkably, he wasn’t all that useless today.  I guess it helps if you go in focused and only asking for one med change.  A few weeks ago, I started Couch to 5K.  I messed up my previously messed up ankle.  So after resting for almost a week didn’t do anything I made the appointment.  Now, all of this could have been taken care of last week, but drunk family member fell down in her driveway and I had to take her to the ER and wait around while they scanned her head.  I barely know this person, but nobody else who could do it was around.  I swear, I think I’m going to start using the phrase “Not my monkey.  Not my circus.” around my family.

So I see GP.  He orders an x-ray basically to cover his butt should the 6 weeks of PT he prescribed not work and he wants an MRI.  I guess having a GP who also does sports medicine is handy.  He says I can continue walking, but no more than a half mile or so and no C25K period.

He also gave me a referral to a different rheumatologist to evaluate for seronegative arthritis.  Despite lab results and symptoms and joint pain responding to steroids, current rheumatologist doesn’t think there’s anything else going on aside from fibromyalgia.

Oh, and I get to increase the Vitamin D I’ve been taking because I’m still deficient despite taking a standard 2000 IU a day.

Only other thing is I had a sleep study done.  I wish they’d hurry up and send the results.  I had a split study, where they monitored the first part and then put me on a CPAP machine the second part.  I’m guessing the fact they did the CPAP means I had a significant number of apnea events.

Psychiatrist is being a bit pushy, but I don’t expect less.  She’s ready to call up Company X and go off on them because they want to do her job.  She’s the one pushing therapy.  I think things have lifted a bit because as I said above, I’ve been able to deal with looking into it.  She also wants me to go back to the NAMI group I used to attend.  But I haven’t been there for like 10 years.  There’s a meeting tomorrow night.  But I don’t know.  I guess I’m minimizing things again.  I get all “But it isn’t that bad” all the time, despite evidence to the contrary.

And no, dear psychiatrist, my mother’s voice isn’t going away.  It’s been in my head my entire life.  And no, I’m not psychotic.  I think we’ll have to agree to disagree.

Anxiety, Medication, Mental Health, Plans, Sleep

Coping Skills

I’m learning to live with the side effects of the Cymbalta.  Yogurt is my new best friend.  It’s easy on my tummy and I found a flavor I like (Yoplait’s Whips in Chocolate).  They’re 100 calories a pop and I can usually get two down.  I’ve been eating those for breakfast and lunch and trying to choke down whatever we’re having for dinner.

I actually started adding Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner in my to-do app.  It’s definitely got a game type vibe to it, and that helps motivate me to actually open it up.

I’ve given myself permission to take a Klonopin during the day if things get really rough.  Yes, I get the doctor’s point that she doesn’t want to change too many variables at once.  But there’s no use in torturing myself.  All that accomplishes is making me want to eat even less, which feeds back into the anxiety.

Thankfully, I seem to be sleeping better.  The increase in the Trazodone has helped on that front.  I was hoping the sleep would help with my pain, but alas, that doesn’t seem to be the case.  In fact, it seems to be worse than before, with a lot more muscle tension and spasms.  I’m going to start back up on the magnesium supplement I was taking since the Cymbalta (or lack of food) is screwing with my lower GI tract.

Finally, I’m taking it one day at a time.  That’s the only way I’m going to get through my life.  I’ve quit looking toward the future because I don’t see it dramatically changing any time soon.

Fibromyalgia, Health, Medication, Pain, Positive things, Sleep

Thank You Dr. P

Dear Dr. P

Thank you so much for treating me with respect today. I was afraid when I came in because of the pain you would think I was just drug seeking. But you didn’t. You acknowledged the pain I was in. And you tried to find ways to minimize it. Knowing that someone believes me means the world to me. I don’t know if the new combination will help but at least I have some hope now. Even when I was crying you didn’t belittle me.

So here are the changes. I am to increase the Cymbalta to 60 mg. She also added Mobic. It’s an NSAID. She also increased the Trazodone to 100 mg to try to get my sleep regulated. Her opinion is that the nausea and pain is related to the fibro but wants to hear the gastrointestinal doc’s opinion.  She also said that the Gabapentin might not have had enough time to fully kick in.

Yes I still hurt. Yes I’m still anxious and depressed. But at least someone is trying to help. I’m just glad she didn’t want to do a hands on exam. I don’t think I could have dealt with the pain.

 

Depression, Emotions, Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Medication, PTSD, Sleep, Stress

I Don’t Know

I just don’t know.  I think I’m going through some PTSD regression stuff.  I’m having shower and bed issues.  I’ve been sleeping on the couch downstairs.  I say it’s because it’s too hot in my room, but really, I don’t want anything to do with my room.

I’m having trouble staying med compliant.  I rarely take my sleep meds.  I still sleep, but with so much REM it’s not refreshing.  Pain meds…  not the best at taking them either.  I feel like I deserve to be in pain.

It’s not easy to sit here and write this.  I can’t put things into words right now.  I can’t concentrate on anything, in fact I’ve lost interest in my Fortran course and learning the ins and outs of XCode (I’m back on a Mac).

I wish I could throw up.  It would make me feel better I think.  My stomach is all churned up again, probably because I’m not taking those meds like I should be.  I’m not sure how long I’m going to last in the states.  It’s been a month and I feel like I’m losing my marbles.

Randomness, Sleep

Saturday

Slept late.  Really late.  I don’t care.  I feel better.

Now off to buy Christmas presents for the friends I’ll be staying with.  I’m really thankful for A and R.  They’re a couple and they didn’t have to have a third wheel hanging around.  But they opened their home to me.  I miss them.  We used to work at the same school.  So I’m so happy that I’ll get to see them and for one of the first times in my life have a great Christmas.

Anxiety, Dreams, Fibromyalgia, Nightmares, Sleep

Pin Cushion

Three sticks to get an IV.  10 or 12 shots from the neck to the tailbone.  Yeah.  Pin cushion pretty much sums it up.  It’s worth it.  The shots are down to maintenance to try and prevent the pain from escalating.

I woke up from a dream in a state of full blown panic (hence the IV to give me some Valium).  I was still very worked up when I got to Dr. P’s office.  I think the dream had something to do with the pink pajamas.  I really don’t want to write about it now.

And, as it’s NCIS time, I’m off.  I got one out of three tests written and started and a second.

Cats, Emotions, Fatigue, Medication, Pain, Sleep

Fatigue

Fatigue is hitting me hard.  I feel like all I’ve done is slept the last two days.  Last night I had to take Gidgette into the e-vet because she was vomiting bile.  On my bed…  why always on my bed?

Tonight I went to the store just to get bread, peanut butter and jelly.  It seems like the only thing I can eat lately without feeling sick.   And the most I can usually eat is half a sandwich, usually less.

I’m worried about Gidgette.

Tomorrow is a holiday.  I’d love to go out to take pictures.  But all I can think of is sleep.  Just that short trip to the store sapped all my energy.

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.  I’ll talk to Dr. P about it on Tuesday.  Maybe I’m on too much stuff.  I know the gabapentin makes me sleepy, but the pain goes up too much if I lower the dosage.

I hate my body and I hate myself.

Art Work, Cats, Randomness, Sleep

New Theme

While I really liked the dark simplicity of my previous theme, I think I’m ready for something more cheerful.  I think this counts as cheerful.  It’s only 5:45 AM, but I’m up.  I woke up wanting to do some art.

Both cats are on the bed staring at me.  I’m not sure what they want.  Probably to eat my brains or something.  What can I say?  Cats are weird.  You just have to accept that.

Speaking of cats being weird, Ivory got herself on top of the wardrobe (how???) and then couldn’t get down.  She ended up using my head as a step to the floor.  Cats.

I did do some art.  It’s early.  I’d like to say I can see the sun rising, but I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun.  Such is life during monsoon season in Korea.

Sunrise

 

Abstract Sunrise
Emotions, Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Sleep, Stress, Work

Okay, So It Is In My Head

No, I’m not saying fibro isn’t real.  It’s as real as cancer and diabetes.  But gosh darn if stress doesn’t make it worse.  All these changes at work.  Vacation coming up (I don’t do vacation well) where I’ll probably get up, go to PT, come home and sleep all day.

I don’t know what to do about the work situation.  It’s not like I’m working more hours than my previous job, but there’s a bit difference in 25 and 55 minute classes.  Five 55 minute classes in a row (essentially a full day for me) is exhausting.  Right now I have one.  When my schedule changes I’ll have four.  There’s nothing I can do about it either.  This is how it’s going to be.

Today I decided to sleep in and skip PT.  Bad idea.  Tomorrow is injection day so I have to get up.  It’s not even 8PM and I’m so tired I could drop.  In fact, I think I’ll feed the kitties, scoop the litter box and hit the hay,.