Emotions, Mental Health, Positive things, Therapy

Therapy Thursday

Today’s discussion centered around feelings.  The one observation I had was I know how to label the basic emotions; happy, sad, angry.  But I can’t label things that are more complex.  I like labels.  I like to know what things are.  Sometimes the hardest question to answer is “What are you feeling?”.  Sometimes I throw around names such as jealously or anxiety.  I’m not always sure that that’s what I’m feeling.

We also talked a bit about automatic thoughts.  Things that I jump to so fast that I don’t even think about it.  Two of those thoughts are guilt and responsibility.  I jump and don’t even know it.  I’m trying to challenge those thoughts after jumping there.  I’m reminded of a passage from “The Magic Tollbooth” where the dog flies out of the car and onto an island by jumping to conclusions.  That’s me.  I jump to conclusions about the abuse and who’s responsible.  No more.  I’ll jump but not land.  I won’t be perfect, but trying is the key.

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Anxiety, Child Abuse, Emotions, Mental Health, Positive things, PTSD

Out of Left Field

I love ER.  I have since the first day it aired.  Now I found in syndication and it cheers me up; at least for an hour it does.

Tonight was not one of those nights.  The plot and the characters weren’t important.  But seeing them examine a 6 year old to confirm sexual abuse was out of left field.  I guess I should start reading the blurbs that DirecTV has.

It wasn’t the exam part.  I never went through that.  It was the thought of the little girl being violated that got to me.  I got pretty close to that flashback spiral.  It didn’t hit me so hard that I couldn’t control it.  I went out to the kitchen immediately and took my PRN anxiety med.  That helped.  I got out of my room so I didn’t have to deal with the bedroom stuff.  That helped.  I turned to a mystery novel to get my head in another place.  It helped.

I have a feeling that Dr. D would be proud of me.  I did the right things to keep my head in the present.  And that’s been hard for me all along.  I can only take one day at a time.  I made it through 19/20 radiation sessions with that attitude.  I know this is a long trek for me and I will have bad times.  Right now the bad seems to outweigh the good.  But I’ve got friends who support me.  I have a fluffy white kitty on my lap right now and another mutt hanging out under the blankets on my bed.

Baby steps.  Just remember baby steps.

Plans, Positive things, Randomness, Work

Freedom

If all goes well, I’ll sign a contract with a new school on Saturday.  I’m getting away from the Wicked Witch of the East

I was told our incompatibilities was due to the fact I’m the first American teacher they worked with.  They just didn’t want to pay their fair share and I would have lost almost 2 grand over the course of the year.  Plus they thought I was going to pay 300 bucks a month in health insurance when, if they followed the law, I would have paid more like 40.

So overall good news.  And, despite the bed being broken (for a month now and after numerous requests to fix it) I slept like a baby last night.  So much so I’m up at 7  AM.

Fibromyalgia, Health, Medication, Pain, Positive things, Sleep

Thank You Dr. P

Dear Dr. P

Thank you so much for treating me with respect today. I was afraid when I came in because of the pain you would think I was just drug seeking. But you didn’t. You acknowledged the pain I was in. And you tried to find ways to minimize it. Knowing that someone believes me means the world to me. I don’t know if the new combination will help but at least I have some hope now. Even when I was crying you didn’t belittle me.

So here are the changes. I am to increase the Cymbalta to 60 mg. She also added Mobic. It’s an NSAID. She also increased the Trazodone to 100 mg to try to get my sleep regulated. Her opinion is that the nausea and pain is related to the fibro but wants to hear the gastrointestinal doc’s opinion.  She also said that the Gabapentin might not have had enough time to fully kick in.

Yes I still hurt. Yes I’m still anxious and depressed. But at least someone is trying to help. I’m just glad she didn’t want to do a hands on exam. I don’t think I could have dealt with the pain.

 

Anxiety, Child Abuse, Emotions, My story, Positive things, PTSD, Therapy

Dentists

2012 is a year for overcoming one phobia.  Dentists.  Nothing bad happened in the chair.  I think it stems from my father putting things in places they don’t belong on a child.

It’s taken me almost 20 years to do this.  I got nice drugs from Dr. P.  I was almost crying in his office yesterday.  Actually I was nearly in panic mode, but I tried my best to hide it.  No IVs for me just to get a dose of Valium.  He gave me Propropanolol.  It’s a BP med, but helps anxiety.

Most places open at 9.  I showed up at 9.  He didn’t open until 10.  At least the door was open.  I basically sat there crying silently for an hour.

But I made it through.  I’m having a dead tooth pulled next week and a temporary crown put on.  Then I’ll get a bridge for the four front teeth to get ride of the gaps.  I have the option of IV sedation, but given nurses’ success in inserting IVs lately, I think I’ll pass.  And he said if it was his wife, he would still recommend the local.  Good drugs Dr. P.  I’m going to need them.

I feel a huge sense of relief.  I’m still very anxious about going next week, but I think it’ll be easier to step in the door.  And I know it’s OK to cry.  Some doctors get all upset.  This guy (missed his name) just tried to talk me down from the ledge.

Part of it is feeling trapped.  Being in the chair is vulnerable.  You’re on your back, the table is over you.  Some guy has hands in your mouth.

But I did it.  And I have a feeling I’m going to need constant reminding of that.

Pain, Positive things, Randomness

Ouchies

Lots of pain lately.  Lots of stress too.  I’ll live.

I’m getting a massage on Sunday.  I’m scared, but I hope that it will get the knots out of me.  I’ve heard many good things about him.  I asked him if he was comfortable working with someone with a pain disorder.  He said he’d keep in communication and I should just say if anything hurts.

That is all.  Building manager coming to change my bathroom light bulb.  I’m too short and holding my arms above my head really triggers the pain in my neck and shoulders.

Cats, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Mac OS X, Mental Health, Pain, Positive things, Productivity, PTSD

New Years 2012

Once again, not resolutions, just random goals.  It would be nice to achieve them, but if I don’t, at least I tried.

  • Keep up the healthy eating.  And that starts with actually putting food in my body again.
  • Clean up the travesty of a desk.  I think cables multiple when we sleep.
  • Get baby Mac fixed or sell the bloody thing.  I’m not up for a three OS household thing.
  • Either get a new TV or find a way to get a signal from my computer (server or mac) to the ancient piece of junk.   Personally, I’m all for the new TV, or even a newer second hand one.
  • Keep the litter box clean and appreciate my kitties all the more.  Plenty of love and catnip.
  • Get the depression and PTSD back under control and be more consistent with my PT for the fibro.
  • Be kinder to myself.  I’m only human.  I don’t deserve to be beat up for small mistakes.
Positive things, Randomness

Warm Toes or Peanut Butter Cups

I’m nice in warm in bed, especially my toes.  But the candy is in the fridge.  And my tummy wants one (okay two).

I see the s word in my weather ticker.  I don’t like the s word.  And it’s officially freezing.  I want to know what happened to summer.  I feel jipped.  And how is it almost the new year?

My stomach won.  Signing off to get my exquisitely delicious candy.

Fibromyalgia, Health, Pain, Positive things

Health

The blood work my rheumatologist did last week came back generally OK.  My cholesterol is still a titch high, but I’m pretty sure it’s been that way for years.  One of the side effects of the meds I took years ago was raising cholesterol and triglycerides.

He’s still confident that fibromyalgia is my problem.  He has me on Ultram.  Yay for pain management.  I kept begging Dr. K  for something for the pain.  He told me to take Tylenol, which does nothing for me.  I have the list to show to Dr. P if he wants to change any of his medications.  In the week on these meds, everything has been OK. I’m not pain free.  But I don’t feel like I need to get the lidocaine injections to manage.  I tweak my left shoulder (probably putting up the lights) so Dr. K did an ultrasound guided injection.  Sorry, I thought it was cool to watch the needle go in as I could see the ultrasound screen.  He remarked the area must be very inflamed because the lidocaine went in so easily.

So as before, I’m mainly healthy, but fat.  And I’m working on the fat part.  I’m happy because the oranges from Jeju are in season.  I’ve been eating those for breakfast, a regular lunch, and then a couple oranges for dinner (note, these are huge oranges).