Have You…

hugged your inner child today?

Title Unknown

I couldn’t come up with a title. My brain is like mush.

I have ideas for art, but the amount of energy it takes to get my stuff out and set up seems infinite. The amount of energy I have. Very little. I know I need to do things like art so my day doesn’t go get up, go to a doctor, go to work, come home, try to eat, go to bed.

I’m so apathetic about everything right now.

The only thing that made me smile today was the lady that came in with the 1 month old kitten while I was in the vet. Such a cutie pie. But it made me sad it was away from its momma. 4 weeks is way to early for kittens to be on their own, even with a good owner. It was a male orange tabby.

Bunch O’ Stuff

Yeah. So it’s been a while since I’ve managed to write anything. Some stuff has happened. I said goodbye to two good friends who finished their contract. I wish them the best of luck. The one year anniversary of my mother’s death. That threw me for a loop. I had a flood of emotions that I didn’t really know what to do with. I never thought I’d actually miss her. With all of the shit she pulled and the hell she put me through. How the hell can I miss her? I’ve kind of come to an acceptance of most of what happened growing up. Life sucks. I don’t mean for this to come across to other survivors to “buck up and shut up”. God knows I’ve heard enough of that. I don’t know how to describe it. It still hurts like hell when I think about it. But somehow it’s more detached. Maybe it’s not such a good thing. *sigh* I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m kinda scattered. The kitties are doing well. Ivory is almost a year and Gidgette is close to 6 months old now. Both eat like there’s no tomorrow. Work is busy. We’re getting ready for presentations. The kids are sick of their songs and scripts. The teachers are doubly sick of them. Oh well. I guess that’s enough of an update for now. I was trying to get some frustration out. They’re doing some sort of construction work in the building across the street from me. And it’s 10 o’clock at night. *sigh*

I’m Not Dead Yet….

Actually, I’m a bit surprised she hasn’t killed me in the last two days. I had her spayed yesterday. She was not a happy camper when I brought her home. She wasn’t a happy camper when I held her down to give her the medicine the vet prescribed. Ahhh, thankfully the vet mashes the pills into a fine powder that can be disolved in water. No craziness of trying to give the cat a pill. She wasn’t happy when I woke her up early this morning for her next dose. And she definitely wasn’t happy when I stuffed her back in her carrier to take her to the vet to have the incision checked.

So yeah. Minor miracle I haven’t been killed of maimed.

This Week’s Ivory Pics

I’ve Been Trained

I went to bed last night. It dawned on me as I was lying in bed. Ivory has me trained. I was all the way by the wall, basically smushed into the corner. She was all stretched out on the other part of the bed.

It’s true what they say. Dogs have owners; cats have servants.

Unconditional Love

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about my post from the other day. It’s a weird thing. I don’t really understand it. But I think it has something to do with unconditional love. I guess I still think that love = pain.

I was on the bed with Ivory this morning. I spent the morning in bed trying to finish recovering from this stupid sinus infection/bronchitis. Thankfully I feel human again and my voice is almost back. But I digress. I’m in bed and Ivory is next to me, curled up in a little ball. She’s purring away. I slightly shift positions. She comes and lays on my stomach and looks at me with those beautiful hazel/gray eyes of her. She was just happy to lie there and be scratched behind the ears. She didn’t want anything more than to be loved. And she was happy to give me the same unconditional love back. She doesn’t have to hurt me to love me.

We can play however we want. If she scratches, it’s just in play. I need to see it that way. I need to know she’s not trying to hurt me. It’s just play.

Sorry that this doesn’t make much sense. I’m still trying to sort it all out in my head.

SI by proxy?

OK, that sounds weird. I’ve been SI free since February of 2001. That’s 8 very long years. That hasn’t changed the urges. When they hit, they hit strong and they hit fast. I’ve always been able to fight them off. No cutting was a pledge that I made to myself a long time ago. I don’t want to go back there. I can’t go back there. It’s just not an option. I have better coping strategies.

But… and it’s a big but…

Is letting Ivory scratch me while playing a form of SI? I know my emotional response should be able to answer the question. But I’m having trouble understanding the whole emotion thing right now. Part of it is because my brain is horribly fuzzy from being sick. Part of it is general stress and craziness at work.

Sometimes it feels good when she scratches. Sometimes it pisses me off. Sometimes I understand she’s just playing. I don’t want to get into the habit of letting her play rough. I don’t want to make her do my emotional dirty work.

Does this make any sense? I dunno. Part of me says it’s wrong. Part of me tells me I should start over from Day 1. And I guess that would be OK.

Anyone else gone through a similar situation? Anyone have any advice for me?

Kitten!

I have an adorable ball of fuzz. I’m so excited. It’s only in the last couple weeks I’ve felt like I’ve completed the grieving process with Sparkler. I loved her so much. But, I knew I didn’t want another guinea pig. I knew I wanted a cat. Now, you have to understand, Korea is not a cat country. No serious. It’s really not. I went to a dozen places before I found one with a cat for sale. And dear lord was she expensive. But she was totally worth every won I spent. She’s been in my life less than 12 hours and I can’t imagine living without her.

Right now, she’s curled up in (on?) one of my shoes. Once I coaxed her out from under the bed, she started to play. She has one of those mice on an elastic string tied to a stick. She loves it. She was going crazy. She’s purrs like no cat I’ve ever heard before.

I’m still working on the name thing. I know her Korean name will either be 눈(noon) which means snow (and eye) or 구름(goorum) which means cloud. I’m sort of leaning toward 눈. I’m just not sure what English name to give her. I’ll take suggestions. You’ve helped me name animals in the past.

So here are some pics of my new baby.