Child Abuse, Emotions, My story, Randomness

Hiding

I spent a lot of my childhood hiding, both mentally and physically.  I clearly remember hiding, although I don’t remember a lot about other things.

I used to try hiding from my mom when she was drunk.  I didn’t want to be hit or berated.  I just wanted to be left alone to do homework or read.  Hiding didn’t always work.  I think me trying to hide made her angrier.

Many a night, I tried hiding in my closet.  I sat there hoping that my dad wouldn’t come that night.  But eventually I had to come out and go to bed.  I could only hope at that point I would escape whatever was coming that night.

I spent a lot of time hiding my depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety from my teachers at school.  I trusted no one.  I guess I thought it would be more of the same pain.

Anxiety, Emotions, Mental Health, Randomness, Venting

So Much For That Idea

I don’t know what to do anymore.  I tried to get into the agency that I saw before.  They take Medicaid.  Just not my version of Medicaid.  Then don ‘t advertise that you take Medicaid.  That pisses me off more than anything.  If I had known that I could have put the energy into finding someone who does.

It seriously took all my mental energy to call this place.  I’m sitting here shaking like a leaf, about ready to throw up.  I want to cry, but I’m determined not to.

Maybe I’m taking this all too seriously and personally.  But I can’t help it.  I know I need this.  It’s just disheartening.

I should just go jump off a bridge.

Fibromyalgia, Health, Plans, Randomness

7 Years

A lot has changed in 7 years.  I’m a marginally happier person, thanks to years of being away from my crazy family.  My health has taken a huge hit.  Fibromyalgia sucks big time.  I’m out of work, and would love to go back to teaching.  But, realistically, that’s not going to happen.  My body and mind can’t take the stress.  I’ll miss my treatment team in Korea for sure.  I had an excellent psychiatrist and rheumatologist.

I have no resolutions for the new year.  I’m just trying to survive one day at a time.

Not sure about the blogging thing, I logged back in here on a whim and saw it was my 7th blogging birthday.  We’ll see what the future brings.

As for me, I’m heading back to my warm bed to try to sleep off whatever disease my brothers and I picked up at church on Christmas Eve.

Exercise, Fibromyalgia, Pain, Randomness

Back?

Or maybe not.

Fibro has decided to beat up my body again.  I don’t know if I can keep myself from crying.  Please no kind words about it’s ok to cry.  I’ve heard them all and, well, that message is too ingrained in my head still.

Well, isn’t this fun.  I’m going to do some stretches.  Hopefully without screaming.

Depression, Emotions, Fibromyalgia, Randomness, Venting

Letting It All Out

Today has been one of those days where I just don’t want to exist.  Dr. P was slightly assholish for the first time.  He told me to look up ACT which, by the paper he showed me, looks like a combo of CBT and DBT.  I seriously didn’t need that today.

I went grocery shopping which almost pushed me over the edge.  At least it was pretty empty as it was only 9:30.

For some reason I wanted pancakes, so I bought the stuff to make them.  But making them left me so exhausted that I couldn’t really enjoy them.

On the way home on the bus, I spotted a furniture store and got off there.  I managed to order the platform for my bed using my broken Korean and a lot of pointing.  Unfortunately I ordered the wrong size.

I came home and took a nap.  I could barely get out of bed because I had spams in my lower back.  And of course it was too late to go see Dr. K, the ortho.

The delivery people came and as I was trying to clear stuff out, I tripped on the bed frame and banged up my leg pretty damn well.  I also did something to my left shoulder.

Now I sit here crying.  I have no desire to even contemplate dinner.  I’d go get a hamburger or something but walking three flights of steps again doesn’t seem like a really good idea.

I’m just so tired of all of this.  I wish I had a magic wand to take it all away.  And it looks like it’s going to rain the next couple of days.  Just wonderful.

I’m going to take my meds now and hopefully sleep.  Because I really am tired to the bone.

 

On preview, I don’t know how much weight I lost, but when I got up to go to the bathroom I just pulled my jeans down.  I thought I had unbuttoned them when I took a nap.  Nope.  They just pull right down over my hips.  And these are jeans that were slightly tight when I bought them in September.  Not that I’m complaining about that or anything.

Plans, Positive things, Randomness, Work

Freedom

If all goes well, I’ll sign a contract with a new school on Saturday.  I’m getting away from the Wicked Witch of the East

I was told our incompatibilities was due to the fact I’m the first American teacher they worked with.  They just didn’t want to pay their fair share and I would have lost almost 2 grand over the course of the year.  Plus they thought I was going to pay 300 bucks a month in health insurance when, if they followed the law, I would have paid more like 40.

So overall good news.  And, despite the bed being broken (for a month now and after numerous requests to fix it) I slept like a baby last night.  So much so I’m up at 7  AM.

Randomness

One Step at a Time

This is the only way I’m going to get through this hell.  I get six good days (for various values of good) a week.  The seventh… yeah.  I’m lucky if I eat.  I brought my laptop over by my bed so I can watch Contagion and Outbreak (side note: I love Cuba Gooding Jr.).  They should have been interesting enough to keep me awake so I could just rest.  Next thing I know, it’s 4 PM and I’ve been sleeping since approximately 10 AM.

I did make pancakes for breakfast.  I made the batter a bit runny, but since I don’t have measuring cups, I had to eyeball everything.  But hey, butter and syrup make everything better.  If I had some peanut butter, I would have thrown some in the batter and skipped the syrup.

Oh yeah, and I’m broke as hell right now because I can’t get a bloody bank to cash a travelers check (which was no problem 3 years ago).  That however, did not stop me from drooling over the Hershey’s syrup.  No I didn’t buy it.  A bottle of it was like 7 bucks.  Maybe that’ll be my treat with my first check.  Oh and the kimchi I bought to make fritter type things sucked.  Not spicy at all.  Boo!

Yes, this is random.  The best my brain can do is put out randomness.  See my fibro blog if you want to know how much fun life really is.

Interesting stuff, Randomness

Lovely Blog Award

Wow, my blog was nominated for The Lovely Blog Award by Daily Life With Fibromyalgia. Just.  Wow!

The requirements of the Award are to mention who nominated me and link back to his/her blog, display the award image anywhere on my blog, reveal 7 things that you may not know about me, nominate 15 blogs (I only did 7, I don’t read that many blogs) for the award and tell them of the nomination (linking their blogs in this post) including a link back to this post.

7 Things You Might Not Know About Me

  1. I used to collect ballerinas of all types
  2. I love seafood of all shapes, sizes and species
  3. I lost a bunch of weight by switching from soda to sparkling water
  4. I finished college in three years
  5. I love children’s literature
  6. My favorite age group to teach is preschool
  7. I can not spell and stump spell checkers on a regular basis

 

My nominations

  1. The People Behind My Eyes
  2. Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case
  3. bloggerdygook
  4. Becoming Three
  5. Beautiful Dreamer
  6. Lafemmeroar
  7. Cat vs. Human