Title Unknown

I couldn’t come up with a title.  My brain is like mush.

I have ideas for art, but the amount of energy it takes to get my stuff out and set up seems infinite.  The amount of energy I have.  Very little.  I know I need to do things like art so my day doesn’t go get up, go to a doctor, go to work, come home, try to eat, go to bed.

I’m so apathetic about everything right now.

The only thing that made me smile today was the lady that came in with the 1 month old kitten while I was in the vet.  Such a cutie pie.  But it made me sad it was away from its momma.  4 weeks is way to early for kittens to be on their own, even with a good owner.  It was a male orange tabby.


4 thoughts on “Title Unknown

  1. When I can’t think of anything to paint I just choose a color and start painting. I don’t even think about what it is I might draw or create, I just do it.

    Glad Little G is okay and I hope the kitten gets a good foster mom who can bottle feed.

  2. Smaaak says:

    Hi, Kathryn, I have been reading your posts from the beginning and the later ones. I noticed you have come far, so far in fact, you are not sure where it’s all heading, I hazard a guess. I also notice you have started relying on brain pharmaceuticals which you hadn’t in the beginning. I’d like to point out that while they are good for acute stopping the brain of its spiralling hair raising nonsense , the Duh feel is a relief and a rest, in the long term, it will erode you of your brain linking faculties and your top ability of reasoning. I have talked to people on long term mental drugs. In the beginning and for some years it seemed okay. But later, talk to them and I notice they are not altogether there. They rack their brains knowing something is there, but they can’t access it.

    I know that you use your intellect to help you come this far. I suggest that you look for ways and spend the time researching how to get your brain to produce the natural feel good chemicals . In that way, you are still in control and you’d be surprised where you come to at some point. But if you relied on drugs, You can’t float forever, it won’t feel good just floating. You already noticed that a week without the drugs you are suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Take them a long time more and the brain changes would be so far gone and you’d need the drugs more and more. I really can’t see the good outcome of this, as apathy is what you feel, can you imagine the extension of it?

    Do get your doctors to help you wean them off, allowing for some withdrawal. You’d have to do your own research for the natural feel good factor, your doctors are only mostly trained for the pharmaceuticals and acute help. You’ve got good doctors already.

    I mention this because you welcome comments for consideration. I hope it is a point for thought. You have come very far. Discover the total journey.

  3. I’ve been on meds for nearly 15 years. I don’t rely on them to be happy. I rely on them to regulate my brain chemistry. There are studies that show physical changes (and I would infer chemical changes) in PTSD patients. I’m also using them (the gabapentin) specifically to manage the near chronic pain from fibromyalgia.

    Dance and swimming used to make me happy. Right now, both of them are impossible. I’m doing art and that makes me happy. So, no, I don’t see the meds as being there to make me happy.

  4. Smaaak says:

    Hi, I hope you don’t mind me. I like to just offer food for thought, And you have great capacity for thought. I do not disregard what you have been through and what you are going through. Here is my point. A PTSD means a shock to the brain. A huge shock. Nothing imaginable. So the brain is shook up, locked up, frozen. Even physically so. But I’d like to highlight a point that the brain is organic. So it can change physically, so it can change again physically. Plasticity of the brain, new functions totally capable are the new studies. So I am sort of ‘goading’ you to consider that. I am speaking of physical changes as well chemistry balancing. So when I say the word happy, it is a simplistic word for brain chemistry function. It is not independent of it.

    From what I gather so far from reading your blog the front bits and the later bits, you have come to a point where you are not separable from other people with brain chemistry imbalances, those who have not even gone through experiences as traumatic as yours. What I am trying to say is you have brought yourself so far, that you have moved into the ‘norm’ of people, rather than a still victim. I do not reduce the significance of your childhood. It is very sad. How about moving on and finding out about what you are good at, what you are made of, your personality, just like we all do, rather than basing yourself on purely being ‘damaged’. I say this because I see that the hard work and long journey you have made actually brought you here, not more troubled than many being diagnosed with any disorder in the book. So, ‘normal’ stuffs are in store for you. Enneagram is one of the personality, it makes for interesting read. There are many others. Come now from a ‘norm’, rather than from ‘damaged’. \Or, norm with damaged in mind. how’s that?

    I am not saying stop the pills, they are bad, I am saying, work with them so that in time you get the upper hand of your mind, and not under the pills ‘ control. (I am not saying you need to, just that you have come so far, why not go on ahead as well) Fibromyalgia is a non known origin of pains anywhere. I have a feeling that it has to do with the side effects of the drugs. Because of those I hear about having fibromyalgia, they also seem to be on brain pills of some kind. Affecting the brains also will affect the body, since the brain controls the body’s functions and nerve impulses.

    Like I said, just food for thought. Very good, you have done very well for yourself, and adventured yourself to the other side of the world. You are very brave.

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