Self Worth

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So I’ve been thinking about self worth the last week or so.  I think I shocked a coworker when I said something to the effect of “But am I worth it?”.

Let me backtrack and explain things…  I’ve started going to the gym.  There’s a full service gym literally catty-corner from my apartment.  I had to get over the “I’m so fat and people are going to point and laugh” feelings.  Not that kids on the streets here don’t point and laugh…  sadly many parents don’t bat an eye at this behavior.  And I’m not just talking little kids, I’m talking older kids and teenagers.  But that’s beside the point.  I’ve started going to the gym.  Yay for me.  For the most part the trainers there leave me alone to walk on the treadmill.  Two of my coworkers also go.  They’re my motivation right now.  They’ve threatened (semi-jokingly) to drag me by my toes if I don’t go on my own accord.

At first I was planning on paying by the day (about $5.50) because my plan was to go three times a week.  N and D (my coworkes) had other ideas for me.  I’m going to go daily.  I did pretty good last week.  I went four out of five days.  I missed Tuesday because we had a work event to attend.  So at 7000 Won a day, that was going to get expensive pretty fast.  I opted to get a montly membership (about $70).   If I can keep it up, I’ll get a three month membership when my month is up.

That’s the back story.  I said something at work like “I hope it’s worth it.”.  A coworker (Nor) said “Of course it is!  It’s an investment in you!”.  Which I replied.  I hope I’m worth it.  Not only did this shock her, it seemed to offend her.  I haven’t told her about my past.  In fact, I’ve only told N very small bits about my past.  So I can see how Nor doesn’t understand why I’d say something like that.

Anywho, I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth that money.

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3 responses »

  1. good luck with the gym. i understand feeling like i don’t deserve things that are good for me, or make me feel good. i cover it up pretty well most of the time, but that low self worth is still there.

  2. We seem to think others can see the “dirt” on us and maybe even smell the lack of worth before we enter the room. I feel sometimes like I reek of disgust and surely everyone around me is gagging but in their determination to be civil they hide it. These things aren’t real but are emotional residue from the abuse. When spoken I’m shocked by the objections and offense taken by those who heard me say it. I feel like I’m stating the obvious but in reality I’ve offended their friend, me. I think I know something about myself that they don’t but even if they knew every detail I doubt they would think I’m as rancid as I believe myself to be. It’s always helpful to see through someone elses eyes from time to time. It can be a nice reality check.

    If I’d said what you said with the reaction you got I think I would have said to myself, “oops”… and then been a bit confused. Why can’t they see “me”? Why don’t they know I may not be worth this? They see a person put forth tremendous effort in other areas. They see successes and failures. They see a whole person separate from her abuse. This is how we should be seen because while abuse has scarred our lives it is not 100% who we are.

    Sometimes its helpful to look through someone elses eyes for a clearer view of our worth.

    Austin

  3. if you make good use of the gym then i think you’re definitely worth it! not that you aren’t if you don’t make good use, but rather that the money would be wasted if you paid so much and didn’t make use of the facilities. point is, gym is like a buffet – no sense in paying all that money and not using it to your heart’s content.

    okay, really bad analogy!

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