I’m Not Dead Yet….

Actually, I’m a bit surprised she hasn’t killed me in the last two days.  I had her spayed yesterday.  She was not a happy camper when I brought her home.  She wasn’t a happy camper when I held her down to give her the medicine the vet prescribed. Ahhh, thankfully the vet mashes the pills into a fine powder that can be disolved in water.  No craziness of trying to give the cat a pill.  She wasn’t happy when I woke her up early this morning for her next dose.  And she definitely wasn’t happy when I stuffed her back in her carrier to take her to the vet to have the incision checked.

So yeah.  Minor miracle I haven’t been killed of maimed.

I Love My Job…

…No, really, I do.

But there are points where I want to kill every last one of my coworkers, all the students and every mother in the city.  Oh yeah, the fathers too if they get in the way.

Why, you ask?  I’m borderline (heh, that too) exhausted.  I’ve been living in migraine city for the last couple weeks.  People are acting beyond crazy at school.  We have an open house coming up and everyone, including the students, is stressed out.  I have a student who is about 6 and I asked her if she was OK today.  I asked if she was sad or tired or angry.  H just answered “No teacher”.  I finally asked if she was worried about something.  She nodded and looked down at some of the open house material that she had to learn.  So I said “H, are you worried about open house?” and she just nodded.  I mean seriously, it can’t be healthy for a 6 year old to be that stressed out about school.

And to make things more fun, I have one of two extremely annoying songs going through my head almost constantly.  There’s “Telly’s Lunch” and “The Butterfly Song“.  I want to shoot myself in the head every time I press play on my mp3 player.

Open house is coming up in about 2 weeks.  And the kids literally have like 6 pages of material plus two songs to learn before then.  No wonder poor little H is stressed out of her mind.  I’d be stressed too.  The youngest kids are barely 4.  Sometimes I think the educational system in this country is nuts.  Not that the US system is any better.

I’m so tired because I haven’t been sleeping.  I’m so tired, I can’t sleep.  I just lay on the bed curled up in a fetal position and rock back and forth.  It’s the burning eye, sore muscle, stomachache kind of exhaustion.  Banging my head on the desk would probably be a blessed relief, but I’m not going to do that.  I know cutting would bring a whole lot of, albeit temporary, relief.  But I’m not going to do that.  It won’t solve any problems.  Honestly, because it’s getting to be warm, it would cause a whole lot of extra problems.  So yeah, I’m not going to go down that road.

I’m also trying to get stuff for portfolios ready.  Even though we have about 6 weeks to do them, I feel like I’m really behind.  Approximately 10 pieces of work to do and grade * 9 classes * approximately 13 students/class + report cards for all those kids + an additional class worth of report cards.  Yeah.  You can see why 6 weeks doesn’t seem all that long.

I also had to make up packets of work for 4 different classes today.  I have at least 1 more packet to put together in the next week or so.  I haven’t had a proper lunch all week.  I’ve basically been working 9-6 straight through.

Yes, I’m an idiot.  But if I didn’t get it all done, I’d stress even more.  And I’d get less sleep.  And I’d eat even less.  Yeah, I’m not doing so great on the eating front.  I don’t even want to look at food.  And the gym?  Ha! I need to renew my monthly membership.  I haven’t gone in almost 3 weeks.  Two weeks ago I was sick.  Last week, I tripped over my two big, left feet as I was getting ready and twisted the living crap out of my weaker ankle.

I need a vacation.  Big time.  So many national holidays have falled on the weekend this year.  And if the holiday is on the weekend, we don’t get any days off.  It’s not like back home where you’d get the Monday following off.

I’m tired.  I’m anxious.  I’m depressed.  I’m in pain.  That pretty much sums it up.

*sigh*

Carefree?

OK….  This is one of those things that might have been better left undone.

You Are Carefree in Life

You are the life of the party. You also are completely uninhibited and honest.You are happiest when you are inspired and creative. You like to live in the moment. You are self assured and even a bit vain. You like to look your best, even if it’s not comfortable or cheap to do so. You have found what you want in life and are quite content. You know a lot about yourself.

The Stripping Down Test

Self Worth

So I’ve been thinking about self worth the last week or so.  I think I shocked a coworker when I said something to the effect of “But am I worth it?”.

Let me backtrack and explain things…  I’ve started going to the gym.  There’s a full service gym literally catty-corner from my apartment.  I had to get over the “I’m so fat and people are going to point and laugh” feelings.  Not that kids on the streets here don’t point and laugh…  sadly many parents don’t bat an eye at this behavior.  And I’m not just talking little kids, I’m talking older kids and teenagers.  But that’s beside the point.  I’ve started going to the gym.  Yay for me.  For the most part the trainers there leave me alone to walk on the treadmill.  Two of my coworkers also go.  They’re my motivation right now.  They’ve threatened (semi-jokingly) to drag me by my toes if I don’t go on my own accord.

At first I was planning on paying by the day (about $5.50) because my plan was to go three times a week.  N and D (my coworkes) had other ideas for me.  I’m going to go daily.  I did pretty good last week.  I went four out of five days.  I missed Tuesday because we had a work event to attend.  So at 7000 Won a day, that was going to get expensive pretty fast.  I opted to get a montly membership (about $70).   If I can keep it up, I’ll get a three month membership when my month is up.

That’s the back story.  I said something at work like “I hope it’s worth it.”.  A coworker (Nor) said “Of course it is!  It’s an investment in you!”.  Which I replied.  I hope I’m worth it.  Not only did this shock her, it seemed to offend her.  I haven’t told her about my past.  In fact, I’ve only told N very small bits about my past.  So I can see how Nor doesn’t understand why I’d say something like that.

Anywho, I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth that money.

I’m a Lynx

You Are a Lynx

You are a quiet observer of the world around you. Your wisdom comes from listening carefully. You’ve always been extra sensitive and aware. And it’s made it difficult for you to fit in.You see past people’s outward personas. You are able to penetrate a stranger’s soul. What you’ve learned about people is both beautiful and ugly. And you keep these secrets to yourself.

What Big Cat Are You?

Seems pretty accurate to me………

This Week’s Ivory Pics

Sadness

It hit me hard last night.  I’ve never actually felt sad before when thinking about my past.  I know this is probably a good thing.  It feels pretty bad.  And it kind of scared me.  But deep down inside, I realize it’s a new step in healing.

My biggest problem now is fighting the urge to push it all down.  I’m so used to doing that with emotions, that it’s an instant reaction.

I don’t want to be like that.  I want to be able to feel my emotions.  I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I shut down.  I know it’s going to take a while.  It’s not something that will happen overnight.  It will also take work.

I’m going to take it in baby steps, much like the shower.  Maybe it’s ok to feel them a few seconds at a time and work my way up to where I can tolerate longer periods of time.

The other thing I’m not going to do is beat myself up for feeeling overwhlemed by my feelings and stuffing them.  It’s not a crime, and nothing bad will happen.  Yes, nothing bad will happen despite what I was told growing up.

Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t.  Maybe I’m destined to live my life as an emotionless robot.  Maybe that’s okay. However it turns out, I’ll know that I did try.  And maybe the trying is what’s really important.