Art Work, Dreams, Nightmares, Pain

Nighttime

This is a piece, well, that I don’t know how to describe.  I’ve been having pain at night.  And I’ve been having more nightmares.  So I just started putting color on paper.  There is something relaxing about getting your fingers in the chalk (though I do use tissue to blend larger areas).  I guess I need to find some place safe to store these pieces.  I fix the pastels with spay fixative so I’m not so worried about them degrading.  It’s the random cleaning sprees.  I think I threw out all of my other art work when I moved.

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Cats, Dreams, Nightmares, Pain, PTSD

Same Dreams

I’ve been having those same pink pajama dreams again.  It’s like the middle of the dream is missing.  I remember going to bed in the pajamas.  But the next part of the dream is hidden in like a fog.  I’ve never experienced anything like that before.  At the end of the dream, I’m naked and shivering.  I don’t cry out.  I don’t try to get help.  I can’t even tell how old I am.  I just put the pajamas back on.

It’s like this weird cycle.  I’ll wake up from the dream and then when I fall back to sleep, I’ll slip right back into it.

 

I’m tired right now.  Monday is my hell day 5 straight hours of teaching.  I have to go for the trigger point injections tomorrow.  Originally, it was just the left side of my neck and shoulder that was bothering me.  But now it’s back to both side.  I’m going to feed the cats and head to bed.

Anxiety, Dreams

Running

I’ve been having pretty consistent nightmares for the last few nights.  In them I’m running.  In some of the dreams I know the person.  In others I don’t know the people (or person).  And in some of them it’s just running from something big and scary.

Would someone please tell my brain to shut the hell up at night and just sleep like a normal brain?

Anger, Dreams

Anger Dreams

Wow.  I’ve been having some vivid dreams lately.  I’m thinking the Paxil is probably responsible.   On the positive side I am feeling a bit better.

The theme of the dreams has been anger.  It’s usually me being angry and doing a lot of screaming and yelling.  I don’t like this.  I don’t like anger.  I’m not angry with anyone or anything right  now.  What is my unconscious trying to tell me??

Cats, Dreams

Back to Normal?

Whatever normal that is, of course.

I’m back on my meds.  I’ve had two decent nights sleep.  I’m still stressed.  But hey, that’s nothing new.

I had some freaky dreams last night.  One where I was trying to get up the steps of our back porch and just couldn’t.  It wasn’t like an escalator going the wrong way.  It was more like just as I was taking a step I’d either shrink or the step would grow huge.

Gidgette is in heat again.  She’s seemed to have calmed down for the moment, but she seems so miserable.  The spay didn’t go as planned.  About a year ago, she had a shot of kitty birth control.  It looks like 2 options.  The shot or exploratory surgery to see if they can find any missed ovarian tissue.  Unfortunately the language barrier is larger with my current vet than with my previous vet.  Kitty PMS must really suck :(  My poor baby.

Dreams, Nightmares, PTSD

Pink Pajamas

The flashbacks I’ve been having lately are becoming more clear.  I can clearly see myself, but not my surroundings or the other person (people maybe?)

In them, I’m wearing those footed pajamas.  You know the kind you put on little babies, but they make them in bigger sizes too. Ugh, a quick Google image search showed they make them for adults too.  *shudder*  I digress.  The pajamas I’m wearing are light pink with the white vinyl nonskid feet.  The trim on the collar and sleeves is striped with pink and white.

Part of me wants to know what’s up with this.  What happened.  But then again, I don’t want to know.  I know so much already and it’s really distressing.  Why does this make me feel so damn crazy?

Dreams, Sleep

Well…

I’ve noticed a theme in my dreams lately.  School.  Sometimes as a students, sometimes as a teacher.  Sometimes in Korea, sometimes in my hometown.  Sometimes as a kid, sometimes as a college or post grad student.  I’m not sure what it all means.  I’m going to have to explore this some more.

I can definitely say they aren’t nightmares.  Well, the one about my last teaching job was, but that’s just because of the bull shit and insanity of my last job.

Anxiety, Dreams, PTSD, Work

More Dreams

I’m only remembering bits and pieces of my latest dreams, but they are highly distressing.  I wake up in physical pain, like the body memories I used to have.  I’m not sure what’s going on.  I know I’m feeling slightly more stressed than usual.  I also haven’t been taking care of my mental health like I should be.  I need to get back to working on my programming.  My goal for tomorrow is to sketch out a diagram showing the logic I want to use.  I’m then going to get feed back on it from some programmer friends.

The good news is there are only 2 days of work this week.  Yay for Lunar New Year.  There are definitely advantages to living in an Asian country.  And tomorrow evening should be fun.  I’m making chocolate pancakes with my two advanced classes.  They have a cooking class once a month, along with a science class, a writing class and a debating class.

Anxiety, Dreams, Rape, Sleep

Nightmares

I had horrible nightmare the other night.  And it sent my whole mood into the toilet.  I’m still trying to climb out.  Childhood memories plus rape memories.  I haven’t had nightmares like this in a long time.  It scared me a lot because I haven’t had the bad ones like this in a long time.  And for the most part, I’ve been able to short of just shrug them off.  Yes they suck, but I don’t tend to let them get to me.  The worst part of the other night was they seemed to be constant.  I’d wake up from one and fall right back asleep into another one.  I felt like I was dreaming all night.

Well, time to feed the kitties.  I’m watching Ivory claim the computer time as her own.  She’s rubbing her face all over it.  Oh well.  I must remember that I am nothing more than their servents.

Anxiety, Depression, Dreams, Sleep

Dive Dive Dive!

I feel like there’s a bunch of stuff getting close to the surface.  It scares me, to say the least.  I don’t have the words to express how badly I keep pushing whatever it is that’s bubbling up, back down.  I know that’s not the best thing to do. But right now, I just don’t feel equipped to deal with it.  Between moving and starting a new job.  And then there’s the little fact I’m not doing well with the Zoloft.  50 mg just isn’t enough, but any more than that leaves me too agitated to do much of anything, especially at night.  Yes, I know I need to look into changing meds.  I’m on vacation this week, so I’ll try to find a doctor.

Weird dream?  I have them.  I don’t really remember them, so that’s a plus.  But holy cow, I wake up more confused than anything else.  Just once, I wish I could have a normal nights sleep.

I’m stressed at work.  I’m so not an arty person.  My first week, I had to make snail sock puppets.  They didn’t look like snails.  They looked like lumpy socks with eyes.  *sigh*  Even with all the crap at my last job, I didn’t realize how easy I had it there.

All in all, I feel like I should be doing better than I actually am.  I’m not sure where to go from here.