Wow. Today was intense. It started with a discussion about Father’s Day. And all the loving posts you see on Facebook. And the whole industry we have. And how it makes me feel. Jealous. Green with envy. I don’t love my dad, or grandpas, or God father. Nope. No way. And that good old Catholic guilt and “honor thy father and thy mother”.
From there Dr. D asked about something we talked about a few weeks ago. One of the things I felt was that I lost something of myself with the use of Lupron. I lost the ability to reproduce. Not that I want to reproduce. I read somewhere (maybe on Not My Secret) about defining yourself by what society considers to be the defining traits of a woman. That post really resonated with me. So we talked a bit about other ways I could define myself. Funny. Blah Blah Blah. Dr. D said that I was smart. I couldn’t say no fast enough. Which of course lead to another whole discussion.
In the end, I said that my mother said I was smart when it suited her, when she got to brag. Any other time, I was dumb, and idiot, etc. Then I said something really significant. I said that I hated her for that. That was really significant. I had never said that word before. I didn’t know how deep it ran. That scared me. It felt overwhelming at the moment. Thank God that Dr. D was there because I was overwhelmed. I was shaking and crying. On some level it felt good to let out those emotions. On the other hand, it was really scary. I knew I had a safe place in her office.
I tend to stuff things down. Dr. D told me it was a defense mechanism. And now that I’m home, the old defenses are coming back. I don’t feel safe to experiences the anger and sadness that I felt earlier. At least I know now that I can feel without becoming overwhelmed or out of control. I was even going to write a blog post in all caps. I still may. Maybe I can do it at the library where I feel safer.
It’s amazing how seemingly innocent trains of thought can lead to breakthroughs. I see Dr. D again on Thursday (and on Mondays too). I think at this point, that’s what I need.
From Darkness to Light 