It’s definitely not an easy drug to live with. I’m tired all the time. I’m lucky if I make it 20 minutes on my walk because I just want to climb back in bed. Therapy is draining enough as it is without adding bone numbing tiredness into the mix.
Unfortunately, based on what I said today in Dr. D’s office, I won’t be coming off it any time soon. If I try to go down a bit the voices come roaring back. On the dosage I’m on now, they’re simply a dull roar.
On top of the fatigue, I grind my teeth and clench my jaw. That’s resulted in some TMJ type stuff going on. Next Monday I have an appointment at the local dental school to evaluate one tooth for another root canal and the TMJ. I’m taking Cogentin for this, but it only really works well up to my previous dosage of Haldol. It doesn’t do so well on this higher one.
Thankfully I see Dr. W about all this on Wednesday. I don’t know what she’ll change. I know the one thing I want changed in antidepressants. I take Cymbalta for pain. That’s nonnegotiable. But the Celexa has to go. It’s doing nothing as far as I can tell.
As usual, the med go round goes round and round and round and… well, you get the point.
This is what life feels like right now.
I talked to Dr. W yesterday. The voices are pretty bad right now. She tried to increase the Haldol once before and that led to such horrible jaw clenching that I had to go down plus start taking Cogentin with it regularly. Now, given my symptoms, she feels I should go back up and she increased the Cogentin too.
I feel like I’ve been on this ride for so many years. And I’m going round and round. I’m actually dizzy when I sit down and look at my med list. I doesn’t help my list when you factor in the fibromyalgia diagnosis.
I see Dr. W next week. We’ll see where the med-go-round stops then.
I went to the dentist today because I’ve been having jaw pain. It’s most likely TMJ from clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth. Yay. Just add it to the list of crap in my life.
The reason for the title is that I’m a huge wuss. I hate going to the dentist. I’m down right phobic, actually. I ended up getting a referral to the local dental school to check out a root canal I had a while back. She also filled a small cavity. I hate the balloon lip feeling I get from the Novocaine. I’ll eat some mac and cheese for dinner because mac and cheese always makes me feel better.
So, next week I go in for a cleaning. In theory, that is. I haven’t decided if I’m going to keep the appointment. Phobias are irrational things. And even through I know it’s only a cleaning, that doesn’t always help. Maybe I’ll talk to Dr. D about it tomorrow. Sigh.
hugged your inner child today?
Creating a Dialogue With Your Inner Young Child
From: Cathryn L. Taylor M.A. The Inner Child Workbook
1. What is her favorite food?
Fried chicken. But only her grandmother’s chicken.
2. What is the activity she would most like to do?
Read. She could read all day and all night.
3. Has she done this before? Is so , what happened? If not, ask why.
She reads all the time. Her favorite book is still Green Eggs and Ham. But now she can read it on her own.
4. Ask her to tell you about her fear of being blamed and criticized or of doing or saying something wrong.
She is always afraid of doing something wrong. She’s terrified she’ll bring home a bad mark on a school paper even though she’s only in Kindergarten. She’s terrified that she’ll be taken to the orphanage for real this time. She’s afraid of messing up her dances. She doesn’t want to disappoint Miss R.
5. Does she feel overly responsible? Why?
Always. B was just born. She’s supposed to take care of him when mom is drunk.
6. What does she need most from you?
She needs me to understand that she wasn’t a bad kid. She was a good kid in a bad situation.
I’m exhausted now. I’ll try to finish the remaining questions in the near future.