I’ve tried for a long time to write this post.  Rationally, I know it’s something I shouldn’t be embarrassed about, but I am.  I feel so different than everyone else.  Again, rationally I know there are other people who feel (or don’t feel as the case may be) the same way I do.  I just don’t know how to go about connecting with them.  I suspect for many it’s a big secret.  I sometimes think it would be easier if I felt attraction for women.  Or men.  Or both.  But I don’t.  I don’t feel anything.  I have no interest in the whole dating, marriage, relationship scene.  If you would ask, I’d say I’d identify as asexual.

I joke around that I watch football (the American kind) just for the huddle and the tight ends.  I find nothing about male butts in tight pants appealing.  I feel as guilty about that as I would about trying to fit into Lesbian culture.

I used to think this was a consequence of the abuse.  That it was a PTSD thing.  But maybe I’m wired this way.  I firmly believe sexuality is more hard wired than environmental.  My brothers are of the same no relationship mindset, but they have a normal sex drive and find women attractive.  I don’t judge their choices and I understand the not wanting relationships.  I think those similarities are enough to point at the toxic environment we grew up in.  But I’m definitely different from then.  Then again, I took the brunt of the abuse, especially from male relatives.

I can hear people out there saying it’s totally understandable to feel the way I do about sex, other people and relationships.  But I can’t help feeling like a freak.  There are so many survivors that go on to have normal relationships, be it with the same or opposite sex.  I can’t even work up the sexual energy to try to see where I might fit in on the spectrum.

I’ve looked at men of all kinds.  I’ve looked at women too.  But I feel nothing.  It’s like there’s a huge part of me missing.  Well, missing according to societal norms.  Maybe I just need to learn to be a little kinder to myself and live with what God gave me.  I know it’s possible to thrive in society without be married.

But honestly, I’m stuck.  I’ll be moving back to Korea and I’ll have the same psychiatrist.  I don’t know if I should bring it up with him or try to find an English speaking therapist (probably easier said than done).  If anyone has words of wisdom, please share them.  I don’t know if it came out, but this really has been bothering me for a long time.


2 thoughts on “Sexuality

  1. ” There are so many survivors that go on to have normal relationships.” This is not necessarily true. Most survivors struggle a lot with sexuality. There is a lot of guilt about it. The guilt can be about enjoying sex or not feeling anything during sex, or not having a sex drive at all. There’s usually a huge issue around sexuality with survivors and it usually has to do with guilt and flashbacks.

    I have a question. When you attempted to feel something sexual towards men or women were you in the moment or did your mind wander off? My mind usually wonders off during sex. I’m touched and I leave, almost every time I have to work to get back in my body. Sometimes it happens, other times I dissociate the whole time.

    Twenty years ago I asked myself if I’m gay because I was abused by a woman or if I’m hard wired this way. The real question is, am I comfortable with where I’m at? The answer to that question is the first step to knowing if there’s an issue.

    Are you okay with not being sexual? If you are okay with it and you don’t feel the need for a sexual companion then by all means accept it as part of who you are. Your life priorities may be different. Your needs may be different, but that doesn’t make you less human than a person who has different needs from yours.

    I think you have valid questions. Is this because I was abused or because I’m hardwired this way? These questions have been asked by other survivors too, others who are hyper-sexual, homosexual, heterosexual and asexual. Know what that means? It means you’re right on track with the rest of us….. and just as human as the rest of us.

    Sorry for the manuscript comment.

  2. Salina says:

    You’re not missing much. I find sexual/romantic relationships to be a useless hassle. Count yourself lucky, and stay out of the rigamarole.

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