I’ve tried for a long time to write this post. Rationally, I know it’s something I shouldn’t be embarrassed about, but I am. I feel so different than everyone else. Again, rationally I know there are other people who feel (or don’t feel as the case may be) the same way I do. I just don’t know how to go about connecting with them. I suspect for many it’s a big secret. I sometimes think it would be easier if I felt attraction for women. Or men. Or both. But I don’t. I don’t feel anything. I have no interest in the whole dating, marriage, relationship scene. If you would ask, I’d say I’d identify as asexual.
I joke around that I watch football (the American kind) just for the huddle and the tight ends. I find nothing about male butts in tight pants appealing. I feel as guilty about that as I would about trying to fit into Lesbian culture.
I used to think this was a consequence of the abuse. That it was a PTSD thing. But maybe I’m wired this way. I firmly believe sexuality is more hard wired than environmental. My brothers are of the same no relationship mindset, but they have a normal sex drive and find women attractive. I don’t judge their choices and I understand the not wanting relationships. I think those similarities are enough to point at the toxic environment we grew up in. But I’m definitely different from then. Then again, I took the brunt of the abuse, especially from male relatives.
I can hear people out there saying it’s totally understandable to feel the way I do about sex, other people and relationships. But I can’t help feeling like a freak. There are so many survivors that go on to have normal relationships, be it with the same or opposite sex. I can’t even work up the sexual energy to try to see where I might fit in on the spectrum.
I’ve looked at men of all kinds. I’ve looked at women too. But I feel nothing. It’s like there’s a huge part of me missing. Well, missing according to societal norms. Maybe I just need to learn to be a little kinder to myself and live with what God gave me. I know it’s possible to thrive in society without be married.
But honestly, I’m stuck. I’ll be moving back to Korea and I’ll have the same psychiatrist. I don’t know if I should bring it up with him or try to find an English speaking therapist (probably easier said than done). If anyone has words of wisdom, please share them. I don’t know if it came out, but this really has been bothering me for a long time.