I just don’t know. I think I’m going through some PTSD regression stuff. I’m having shower and bed issues. I’ve been sleeping on the couch downstairs. I say it’s because it’s too hot in my room, but really, I don’t want anything to do with my room.
I’m having trouble staying med compliant. I rarely take my sleep meds. I still sleep, but with so much REM it’s not refreshing. Pain meds… not the best at taking them either. I feel like I deserve to be in pain.
It’s not easy to sit here and write this. I can’t put things into words right now. I can’t concentrate on anything, in fact I’ve lost interest in my Fortran course and learning the ins and outs of XCode (I’m back on a Mac).
I wish I could throw up. It would make me feel better I think. My stomach is all churned up again, probably because I’m not taking those meds like I should be. I’m not sure how long I’m going to last in the states. It’s been a month and I feel like I’m losing my marbles.
This is the first time I’ve been on Cymbalta. I’ve been on it a month. It’s definitely made a difference in my depression, but I think it’s helping the pain too. I finally came out of that flare. God it felt like it lasted forever. The pain is almost totally in remission. The fatigue not so much. But I think I’ve been pushing my body a bit hard. If I want out of the house, I have to go where the car goes.
But… I got permission to take the car to the park tomorrow. I’m going to take some pictures. I miss doing that. I can shoot on my good camera until the battery dies. I’ll have to get a new charger for it as it’s 220 not 110 like the States. My old camera takes regular batteries so I’ll grab some of those and just relax. m I can do some easy hiking and get some exercise.
I’m safely home. I’m much less stressed. My fibro symptoms have subsided a lot. I think it’s part Cymbalta (yay) and part stress relief.
The kitties are here. Poor Gidgette is in heat again. Ivory is at the vet getting a check up (couldn’t find Gidgette this morning).
I was worried that being home would trigger me, but it isn’t. I think I moved further than I thought. It finally sank in that although what my father did is nearly unforgivable, it is understandable. That doesn’t make it hurt less, but at least there’s some logic. And we all know that logic rules my life.
I’m ready to recharge and get ready to go back to teaching. Being away for 3 months now makes me realize I miss it. But I need to be realistic and know that 3 months won’t be long enough to let myself heal