Fibromyalgia, Suicide

Away for a Bit

Let’s just say I went off the deep end yesterday.  Suicidal, plan, taking cats to vet to be adopted out.  The whole nine yards.  I managed to talk Dr. P from throwing me in the loony bin (though the Korean loony bin might have been interesting, goodness knows the American ones are).

So he got my endocrinologist to admit me to a regular floor.  The biggest thing is I’m exhausted.  Like beyond belief.  In the middle of a fibro flare and then I quit my job.  But that’s for another post.  Let”s just say it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long time.  I have baby winduhs and I have wifi.  So I can check email and stuff.  But right now I’m going back to bed.


Oh yeah.  They weren’t too happy when the resident came for rounds and I hadn’t eaten.  Apparently they bring trays at 7:30 (who wants to eat at that hour?).  I didn’t even hear them.  She said in a slightly snotty voice that I had to eat.  Duh.  I will.  Can you let me get my eyes open and you into focus first?




Thanks WordPress

Uh, your new front page posting thing doesn’t exactly work.  Hit publish and nada.

I’m too tired to recreate the post.  In fact, I can’t even remember what I was writing about. Don’t know what’s up with this memory stuff except early onset Alzehemiers (shit I don’t know how to spell it and as usual, spell check doesn’t even know what world I’m trying to spell).

Pain, Phobias

One More Step

This dental thing is not going to be an easy process.  Because of the fibro, I’m especially sensitive to pain.  So even with the Novocaine, he still had to double up in some places. Actually it made me laugh a bit because my nose was numb.

Interestingly, right now the pain seems to be where a couple of those needles went.  The tooth he pulled… let’s juts say if he wants to do that again, I don’t want to be awake.  It didn’t hurt per say, but the sounds.  OMG, I just shudder thinking about it.

I was fine until everything was over.  Then I started crying.  I couldn’t help it.  The man sent one of his hygienists to get me lunch.  My stomach was going crazy, so I just took it with me.  I gave the sandwich to my boss and drank the banana smoothie.  I’m afraid to eat.  I made some mashed potatoes for dinner.  I got about three bites into me.

Off to bed now. I have to teach my last (yay!) vacation class in 12 hours.  Plus the cats are trying to kill each other.  This is definitely a night for the PRN anxiety med Dr. P prescribed.


Scar… No. Terrified

T – 13 hours and counting.

I’ve taken my regular night-time meds.  I took the PRN med Dr. P prescribed.  I’m trying to breathe.  It was easier at work because I was busy.  Now it’s just me and my thoughts.  I’m going to take my iPod and listen to a very academic podcast (This Week in Virology, FWIW).  I have to concentrate on what they’re saying to mostly understand.  On the positive side, they’re humorous too.

I don’t want to go, but I know I can’t run away.  On some level I need to prove to myself that I am stronger than my fears.  And I have to remember there are hands in my mouth, not other things.

I think I’m going to sign off and try to get some sleep.  Either that or cry.

Anxiety, Child Abuse, Emotions, My story, Positive things, PTSD, Therapy


2012 is a year for overcoming one phobia.  Dentists.  Nothing bad happened in the chair.  I think it stems from my father putting things in places they don’t belong on a child.

It’s taken me almost 20 years to do this.  I got nice drugs from Dr. P.  I was almost crying in his office yesterday.  Actually I was nearly in panic mode, but I tried my best to hide it.  No IVs for me just to get a dose of Valium.  He gave me Propropanolol.  It’s a BP med, but helps anxiety.

Most places open at 9.  I showed up at 9.  He didn’t open until 10.  At least the door was open.  I basically sat there crying silently for an hour.

But I made it through.  I’m having a dead tooth pulled next week and a temporary crown put on.  Then I’ll get a bridge for the four front teeth to get ride of the gaps.  I have the option of IV sedation, but given nurses’ success in inserting IVs lately, I think I’ll pass.  And he said if it was his wife, he would still recommend the local.  Good drugs Dr. P.  I’m going to need them.

I feel a huge sense of relief.  I’m still very anxious about going next week, but I think it’ll be easier to step in the door.  And I know it’s OK to cry.  Some doctors get all upset.  This guy (missed his name) just tried to talk me down from the ledge.

Part of it is feeling trapped.  Being in the chair is vulnerable.  You’re on your back, the table is over you.  Some guy has hands in your mouth.

But I did it.  And I have a feeling I’m going to need constant reminding of that.

Randomness, Work


Despite it being Friday the 13th.  Waiting in the cold for 15 minutes for someone to unlock the school.  Having 10 minutes to set everything up.  It all went remarkably well.  The “lava” ended up more pink than red, but I had very little watercolor paint in the tube to work with.

I’d post pictures, but that would entail getting out my camera, downloading them and resizing them.  Three things I definitely don’t have the energy for.

Time to take ye olde meds and get some sleep.


Laters all


Bloody Hell

I’m so freaking tired.  Last two weeks while getting my IV at the doctors office, there was a guy snoring on another cot.  It made me 5 years old in seconds.  The second time I was panicking so bad, they gave me a second injection of valium.

I’ve spent an hour trying to get Skype to work with this piece of shit Mac.  My brother is welcome to the damn thing.  It’s still in its one year of Apple Care so they should fix it for free.

My desk is a bloody tangle of wires.  I have to sort that out this weekend so I can pack up the POS Mac.

Tomorrow I have to make volcanoes with 4 kids.  It’s going to be a disaster.  I just know it.

And I’ll end here.  Hopefully I’ll wake up in time tomorrow.

Pain, Positive things, Randomness


Lots of pain lately.  Lots of stress too.  I’ll live.

I’m getting a massage on Sunday.  I’m scared, but I hope that it will get the knots out of me.  I’ve heard many good things about him.  I asked him if he was comfortable working with someone with a pain disorder.  He said he’d keep in communication and I should just say if anything hurts.

That is all.  Building manager coming to change my bathroom light bulb.  I’m too short and holding my arms above my head really triggers the pain in my neck and shoulders.

Cats, Depression, Fibromyalgia, Mac OS X, Mental Health, Pain, Positive things, Productivity, PTSD

New Years 2012

Once again, not resolutions, just random goals.  It would be nice to achieve them, but if I don’t, at least I tried.

  • Keep up the healthy eating.  And that starts with actually putting food in my body again.
  • Clean up the travesty of a desk.  I think cables multiple when we sleep.
  • Get baby Mac fixed or sell the bloody thing.  I’m not up for a three OS household thing.
  • Either get a new TV or find a way to get a signal from my computer (server or mac) to the ancient piece of junk.   Personally, I’m all for the new TV, or even a newer second hand one.
  • Keep the litter box clean and appreciate my kitties all the more.  Plenty of love and catnip.
  • Get the depression and PTSD back under control and be more consistent with my PT for the fibro.
  • Be kinder to myself.  I’m only human.  I don’t deserve to be beat up for small mistakes.