I told Dr. P I’m not coming back. I don’t want any medication. I don’t want to go to the hospital (like I have a choice with work). I don’t want a referral to a new psychiatrist. I don’t want anything.
I told Dr. K I wasn’t coming back. I don’t want any more of the injections. I don’t want any more PT. He can cancel the appointment for the MRI and the appointment with the oncologist (I have have fatty tumor growing on my right leg, almost always benign). I don’t want any more medication.
Screw it. I may just quit my job and go home. Like there’s anything there for me. But I can’t do it anymore.
Most of all I just wish I could die. I hate me and I hate my life. Just fuck it.
I stuck to my 80/20 plan. I went to PT and got my MRI scheduled for my leg (apparently the stand alone clinics are significantly cheaper than the hospitals). I went to the coffee shop and worked on tests. When my brain went kaput, I went home and slept for a while. I went to dinner and then another coffee shop to do calls. I stopped when my phone battery died (*sniff sniff*) but I was at the end of a class and ready to stop.
Tomorrow I’ll get up when I’m able. I’ll head to the store and pick up some cereal and milk. It’s quick and easy and healthier than take out. Oh yeah, and I’ll get one box of the healthy stuff and one of the bad stuff. Sorry, can’t resist my Oreo cookie cereal. I need to finish one test before Monday afternoon. It’ll have to be done tomorrow because I have to see Dr. P and Dr. K on Monday before work.
One day at a time….
I’ve decided that I have to reprioritize my life. I have a finite amount of energy. I have (what feels like) an ever growing list of responsibilities. The more energy I throw at those “but I have to” the less energy I have to do thing I want to do and to do things that are good for me.
Most of the responsibilities are work related. I’m giving work 20 percent of my energy. If I don’t have perfect lesson, it’s OK. If I rely a little too much on the same activities, it’s OK. A lot of them involve throwing a beach ball around to practice questions and answers. What kid doesn’t want to throw a ball around in the classroom. If all 100 student phone calls don’t get done by Friday, well, too bad. I don’t think the school is in a position to fire me as I’m the ONLY foreign teacher and it can take months to recruit and a get a new one over here.
My constant worrying goes in the 10 percent too. If I worry myself sick, that’s less energy for my job.
The other 80 percent is all up for negotiation. If I want to work on my website, I’ll do it. If I want to do art. I’ll do it. And if I just want to sleep, I’ll do it. If I think it’s better to sleep late than go to PT, I’ll let myself sleep.
I have to stat taking care of myself. Nobody else is going to do it.
In a tad over two weeks, I have an appointment with an oncologist for this lipoma on my leg. Freaked out doesn’t start to begin to describe how I feel. I can’t do any thing until the appointment so I’m going to try not to let it drive me batty. Everything I read is they are very very rarely malignant. But I’m such a medical freak mine probably will be.
I’m hoping the story is really something like this. This thing is huge and not that attractive. Getting it removed normally wouldn’t be paid for by insurance because it’s “cosmetic”. Oncologist says, this is much larger than normal and had an X% chance of becoming cancerous. It’s my opinion it should be removed. Surgeon removes it and sends it to pathology who says, wtf it’s a garden variety, albeit large lipoma. Health insurance covers it.
I love Wednesday. I only have 4 classes instead of 5. That means I go home an hour earlier. Speaking of going home, it’s starting to get dark early. We didn’t have much of a summer here, so I keep forgetting its almost fall.
I saw the ENT today. I hate his sucking wand. I don’t want to know how far he stuck that thing up into my sinuses. I’ll probably one go back one more time as long as the cough has resolved. While I’m coughing like this, I’m still at risk for bronchitis.
I feel a little more human today. I slept in. I needed that sleep more than the PT. Tomorrow I’ll go because my knee needs properly cleaned. I have the dressing they use, but nothing else.
Again, yes. I’m finding it hard to wait for whatever my mind has in store for me to come. I feel like, come brain, tell me. Kick me some more while I’m down. I haven’t felt this tired or in over my head since grad school when I did the bulk of my therapy. I know there is something just below the surface. I keep sketching the same thing over again. I don’t care what it looks like, but it’s a picture of pink pajamas. I can’t even put a head on it. I don’t know when this happened so I don’t want to put on the hair. Yes, it sounds crazy, but I am crazy.
Sorry for the sarcasm. Another piece of fun news is I have (fairly large) lipoma on my right leg. The fall in December probably triggered it. My ortho happened to be looking at my legs and noticed it. He ended up doing an ultrasound (20 bucks boys and girls, which is why I stay in Korea). Essentially its an overgrowth of fatty tissue. BUT (here’s the best part) being overweight has no bearing on the development of these. Something else these doctors can’t blame on me being fat. I can probably easily have it removed, but I think it’ll be considered cosmetic so not covered under insurance. I’ll leave it alone unless it starts having babies.
Speaking of Dr. K, he wanted to do the injections in my hips. I lied and said they didn’t hurt too bad. Right now it’s hard enough lying on the PT table with the TENS cups on neck and shoulders and hips. I just couldn’t deal with a man over me with my pants down, even a little.
OK, I’m about falling asleep here, so we’ll call it a night. PT and then the doctor with the evil sucking machine tomorrow.
I think, therefore I am.
I must be thinking bad thoughts for me to be the way I am.
PA often talks about wonder cane (go read her blog, it’s totally worth it).
Well, if this keeps up, Wonder Cane is going to get a Korean Cousin. Three nasty falls in two months plus numerous other wobbles. Oh yeah, half the time I don’t sit down on my bed, I kind of fall onto it. I was reading a fibro message board where people were talking about balance problem being another symptom of fibro.
I’ve had balance issues all my life. I fall up and down stairs. I fall over my feet. I fall over non-existent cracks in the sidewalk. The running joke is if I didn’t have 15 years of dance classes I’d be up a creek without a paddle.
Sorry, I’m sick and have been all weekend. I don’t feel like writing much.
First of all, I’m sick. I hate parents who send their kids to school sick. It must be making the rounds as a friend of mine in Busan had it last week.
So I was sleeping this afternoon. In the dream were my two cats acting as mamas. There was a tiny little kitten they were nursing and cleaning and caring for.
Me, as an adult was observing this. But somehow I knew that little kitten was me.
It’s no secret I’m struggling right now. Muscle weakness in my right leg has led to three or four falls in the last two months. My pain level is hovering at a 5 or 6. I’m depressed and feeling suicidal. I’m overburdened at work. Nobody knows what is going on with this transition to this franchised curriculum. My boss will not even entertain hiring another foreign teacher. Yes, I’m only working 27 hours a week, but that’s compressed into a 30 hour span.