Suicide

Trains

I have issues with trains.  No, not the riding on them part of it.  Well, the slow Korean trains suck, but the high-speed KTX is nice.  It’s the standing on the platform part.  I’m one of those perpetually early people.  So I’m always down by the tracks waiting for my particular train.  As I’m waiting various trains come through.  And all I can think of is how easy it would be to just jump in front of one of those trains.  The only thing I remember from college physics is F=ma.  That is, the force an object imparts is equal the product of the mass of the object and its acceleration.  Now those trains might not be moving too fast, but they certainly are heavy.

Somehow though, every time I take a train somewhere I manage to resist the urge.  Sometimes it seems so pointless.  I go through the motions, but what I have really done with my life?  Nothing.  I’m a 35-year-old ESL teacher in Korea because I’m not qualified to do anything in the US.  Like I said, life seems pointless.

I’m tired and I hurt.  I feel stupid on a daily basis.  I failed at doing the python course (which was free, thankfully).  I can’t wrap my head around it.  I’ve stopped asking God “Why?” because there is never an answer.  I don’t know why I exist.  And at the moment, I don’t care why and if I do.

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