Positive things, Randomness, Work

Think Positive

All I can do is think positive.  Tomorrow starts the new schedule at work.  It’s going to be intense.  I have to believe in myself.  I’ve taught crazy numbers of classes before.  I just never had to teach every student in the school before.

Deep breaths.  It’s going to be OK.

Art Work, Fibromyalgia, Pain

One Day At a Time

I woke up with back spasms.  Not fun.  I took my meds and went back to bed.

I got back up and went to a coffee shop.  I had some (very strong) Korean Lemon tea and finished my stupid phone calls.

I came back home and fell back into bed.  I need some sort of muscle relaxer.

I got up to an email from my boss wanting me to transcribe a video for her church.  “It’s only 6 minutes”…  Do you know how long it takes to transcribe 6 minutes of audio?  About 60.  I was not happy.  Yay vacation.

I set up a redbubble account for my art.  The option is there to buy.  Why anyone would want to…  I put up some of my art therapy stuff and some of my photography.

And now, as my back is still is spasms, I’m going to try to stretch again and go to bed.  One day of vacation left.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Emotions, Quizzes, Randomness, Venting

What a Crock of Shit

You Are Engaged

You’re the type of person who jumps right in and asks questions later. You like to get in the middle of things.

You are a curious and brilliant person. No subject is too difficult or complicated for you.You’re flighty – losing interest in people and projects quickly. You quickly get sick of the things you love.

You experience pure joy. You seek out happiness and simply allow yourself to be happy.

I love how there were no negative emotions on their little quiz at all.  I know it’ supposed to be fun and everything, but this is just stupid.
Art Work, Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Pain

Tired and Sore

Yeah.  I had fun in Seoul yesterday.  Today I’m paying the price.  I got up at 9 as usual, and ate some breakfast.  Then, back to bed.  Got up at noon, ate some lunch (actually the same cereal I ate for breakfast).  Got up a few hours later and finally managed to get dressed.  I went grocery shopping and bought the essentials.  Came home and took some pain meds.  Made my rounds of the internet and now it’s time for bed.

Tomorrow I’m going to go for PT, head to the bank and the post office.  I still have my stupid phone calls to make.

Also, I thought I’d add a piece I did while waiting for the train yesterday.  By the way, I figure if I suck at drawing people, I’d make them people like but abstract enough to, well, be my style.




I have issues with trains.  No, not the riding on them part of it.  Well, the slow Korean trains suck, but the high-speed KTX is nice.  It’s the standing on the platform part.  I’m one of those perpetually early people.  So I’m always down by the tracks waiting for my particular train.  As I’m waiting various trains come through.  And all I can think of is how easy it would be to just jump in front of one of those trains.  The only thing I remember from college physics is F=ma.  That is, the force an object imparts is equal the product of the mass of the object and its acceleration.  Now those trains might not be moving too fast, but they certainly are heavy.

Somehow though, every time I take a train somewhere I manage to resist the urge.  Sometimes it seems so pointless.  I go through the motions, but what I have really done with my life?  Nothing.  I’m a 35-year-old ESL teacher in Korea because I’m not qualified to do anything in the US.  Like I said, life seems pointless.

I’m tired and I hurt.  I feel stupid on a daily basis.  I failed at doing the python course (which was free, thankfully).  I can’t wrap my head around it.  I’ve stopped asking God “Why?” because there is never an answer.  I don’t know why I exist.  And at the moment, I don’t care why and if I do.


Topic #198 Describe Your Dream House

Let’s see.  For the last four years I’ve been living in shoebox studio apartments so this should be fun.

I want a smallish house. OK, maybe this doesn’t count as smallish…

A nice kitchen.  By nice I don’t mean granite and stainless steel every where, but wood and copper pots and room to cook.

A computer room.  A little place where I can have a home server, my regular desktop, a printer/scanner.  Your usual geeky toys.  In my fantasy world, I’d have some sort of tablet (iPad – drool) that would let me monitor my little geekdom.  I’d definitely have a backup server.  I don’t want to host my own website or email, I let that level of geekiness to my brother.  Right now all my geeky stuff is house on/under a Costco table.

A library.  Bookshelves, but not the floor to ceiling kind.  I’m too clumsy to climb a ladder.  Just some shelves, a nice lamp and a big squishy chair to read in.  Cat area mandatory.

Your typical living room with sofa and chairs, some tables and a decent (not top of the line, but not a piece of crap like I currently own) TV.  Some place for friends to hang out, have popcorn and watch a movie.  Cat area mandatory.  This would probably transition to an informal dining area.

A bedroom.  Double bed.  No compromises there.  The usual closets for clothes and shoes.  Wall space for my art work and the work of friends.  Cat area mandatory.

A bathroom.  Must have a bathtub.  A big one.  I haven’t had a bathtub in years.


Colors.  I love fantasizing about colors.  Sunset colors in the kitchen moving to more neutrals for the dining area.  The living area probably pale yellows, almost buttery yellow.  Trying to keep a flow.

My bedroom.  Purple.  Not purple purple, but a pale pale just barely there purple.

The library.  Blue.  Not in your face blue, but more of a neutral blue.

The computer room.  Green.  Muted greens.  I don’t want in your face colors.

The bathroom.  Blue.  But water toned blues.  And lots of white (with a hint of blue) trim.


This will never happen.  Right now I’m an ESL teacher in Korea.  I’ll live in shoeboxes while I’m here.  Some, bigger than others, to be fair.  But it was fun to think about.

Art Work, Cats, Randomness, Sleep

New Theme

While I really liked the dark simplicity of my previous theme, I think I’m ready for something more cheerful.  I think this counts as cheerful.  It’s only 5:45 AM, but I’m up.  I woke up wanting to do some art.

Both cats are on the bed staring at me.  I’m not sure what they want.  Probably to eat my brains or something.  What can I say?  Cats are weird.  You just have to accept that.

Speaking of cats being weird, Ivory got herself on top of the wardrobe (how???) and then couldn’t get down.  She ended up using my head as a step to the floor.  Cats.

I did do some art.  It’s early.  I’d like to say I can see the sun rising, but I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun.  Such is life during monsoon season in Korea.



Abstract Sunrise
Fibromyalgia, Pain, Self Injury, Suicide, Work


Today was a day of rest for me.  One of the cable channels was doing a Harry Potter marathon, so I left that one and slept on and off.  I did go out for dinner and then to a coffee shop to finish grading tests.  It’s  nice not having that hanging over me.  Tomorrow I have to see Dr. P and Dr. K.  I basically need med refills from both.  And I have PT too.

I have this sharp pain in a new place, right under my collar bone on the left side.  The same side on the right is tender but not painful like the other.  I hate this.  I finally get my neck and shoulders under control and something new pops up.  I know fibro isn’t fatal, but I can see how it could drive someone to suicide.

Hell, the suicidal thoughts I’ve been having haven’t gone away, nor have the SI ones.  I’m just trying to take things one at a time.  Doing art has helped some.  But right now I feel blocked.  I feel like there’s a brick wall between my brain and my hand.  We all know most of my work is abstract, so why not just put some color on paper?  Because it has to mean something to me.  I could do that, but it would be nothing more than colors.

Anger, Art Work, Depression


I’ve been doing some art lately.  I’ve been experimenting with different media.  I splurged on a large set of watercolor pencils.  You can draw with them like colored pencils, but a little water on a brush changes them into watercolors.  Actually it’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen.  I tend toward the abstract end of the scale.  I can’t draw anything beyond a stick figure, and still my students laugh.  I laugh right with them because my drawings are actually pretty funny.  Put they do get their point across.  And that’s the number one goal of my drawings while teaching.

So here are the two watercolor/pencil ones I did today.

Butterfly of Life
Anger and Sadness


I hope you enjoy them or they inspire you.

Emotions, Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Sleep, Stress, Work

Okay, So It Is In My Head

No, I’m not saying fibro isn’t real.  It’s as real as cancer and diabetes.  But gosh darn if stress doesn’t make it worse.  All these changes at work.  Vacation coming up (I don’t do vacation well) where I’ll probably get up, go to PT, come home and sleep all day.

I don’t know what to do about the work situation.  It’s not like I’m working more hours than my previous job, but there’s a bit difference in 25 and 55 minute classes.  Five 55 minute classes in a row (essentially a full day for me) is exhausting.  Right now I have one.  When my schedule changes I’ll have four.  There’s nothing I can do about it either.  This is how it’s going to be.

Today I decided to sleep in and skip PT.  Bad idea.  Tomorrow is injection day so I have to get up.  It’s not even 8PM and I’m so tired I could drop.  In fact, I think I’ll feed the kitties, scoop the litter box and hit the hay,.