Child Abuse, My story, PTSD

Scars

Sometimes I wish I had scars to show the abuse I went through.  I know that must sound like a horrible thing to say.  So much of the damage my parents (and grandparents and uncles) did was inside of me.  On the outside, I appear to be a normal functioning adult.  I get up, go to work, have friends.  All those things normal (whatever that is) people do.  But on the inside I’m crying out and bleeding.  Nobody can see it.  I can’t let anyone see it.  My closest friends know, but my coworkers don’t.  That’s not something you share with every Tom, Dick or Harry you meet.  Hi.  My name is KatM and I was abused.  Yes, that’s a lovely way to start a conversation.

There’s so much I’d like to say about this, but the words just won’t come.  I hope I haven’t offended anyone.  I realize there are so many people out there who do bear real physical scars of their abuse.  And it’s not my intention to offend.

*tries to extract foot from mouth now*

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5 thoughts on “Scars”

  1. People take more seriously scars they can see. They validate readily when there’s a constant visual reminder of pain but they tend to minimize even scorn people who hurt in seemingly invisible ways. It makes sense that you’d sometimes wish to not have invisible pain. Invisible pain is lonely.

  2. I think you summed up what I wanted to say. Maybe that’s the reason why the SI urges are getting stronger lately.

  3. I understand so well what you are saying. With the phyical scars of abuse, it is more in your face. People are less likely to forget or expect you to forget the abuse when they have to see the phyical proof of it. I think people are more understanding and more careful with the proof of abuse is SO visual. With emotional scars, they are not seen. There is not reminder for people, The “Hey, this person was really hurt” proof is not staring them in the face, so they forget it or they want you to get over it and forget it. I too wish sometimes for the battle scars that I carry on the inside were visible on the outside, just so that people can actually see how damage and broken I am.

  4. Physical scars are accompanied by emotional scars and disfigured individuals are often rejected by society. Though scars can be minimal in appearance, the individual can feel more disfigured than she appears and this can adversely affect her social life.

    I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. I don’t talk about it with the majority of the people in my life and I struggle to hide the obvious effects this abuse had on my ability to function “normally” in social settings. My scars are subtle. Crooked teeth from regularly being slapped too hard, stretch marks and obesity from constantly being forced to eat when I wasn’t hungry, torn earring hole from having it yanked out by a parent as a form of punishment. These are subtle disfigurements of abuse that I survived, the replications of which I live with and remember every moment of every day. Each time I look in a mirror, I see nothing but scar tissue of wounds that never seem to heal. When others look at me, they see scars they do not understand (nor do they care to). While I suppose I can understand your desire to have a physical manifestation of an emotional pain, I assure you that scars do not serve as a proof of your abuse nor do they lessen the pain you feel inside. People tell you to get over it and move on even if you have scars. The topic of abuse is disconcerting to people and visible scars make others feel even more uncomfortable. While I would not call anybody who suffered abuse lucky, I envy the ones who survive it without scars. I envy the ones who are not reminded of the abuse they suffered every time they look in the mirror.

  5. I do get your point sadone. I don’t wish abuse on anyone, let alone abuse severe enough to leave visible scars.

    I don’t feel so lucky even though my parents (though physically abusive) were savvy enough not to leave marks. But scars don’t have to be visible. Simple health care has been difficult for me because of a fear of touch. I fled to another country because I couldn’t bear being near my family one minute longer.

    So yes, scars, visible or not, are still scars. And all abuse survivors live with them.

    I hope I haven’t offended you in any way. It’s simply my point of view.

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