Cats, Dreams

Back to Normal?

Whatever normal that is, of course.

I’m back on my meds.  I’ve had two decent nights sleep.  I’m still stressed.  But hey, that’s nothing new.

I had some freaky dreams last night.  One where I was trying to get up the steps of our back porch and just couldn’t.  It wasn’t like an escalator going the wrong way.  It was more like just as I was taking a step I’d either shrink or the step would grow huge.

Gidgette is in heat again.  She’s seemed to have calmed down for the moment, but she seems so miserable.  The spay didn’t go as planned.  About a year ago, she had a shot of kitty birth control.  It looks like 2 options.  The shot or exploratory surgery to see if they can find any missed ovarian tissue.  Unfortunately the language barrier is larger with my current vet than with my previous vet.  Kitty PMS must really suck :(  My poor baby.

Randomness

I’m Here

Just a note to say I’m still here and hanging on.   I couldn’t get out of bed today.  I was supposed  to take the kitties to the vet, but that didn’t happen.  I ended up with a migraine yesterday and the nausea is hanging on with a vengence.  I pray I can make it through tomorrow.  I have work I have to do.  I’m so tired.

Anxiety, Health, Medication

Fetal Position

When I’m at home and in bed, I’m curled up in the fetal position.  That created a problem when I had the wrist splint.  The thumb part was digging into the elbow of my left arm.  Yay, that’s created its own bit of tendonitis in my left arm.  Why does it feel like I can’t win?

I’m so anxious.  I’m using all my coping skills to make it until Monday.  I’m just praying Dr. P will be back in the office.  I’m starting to get brain zapping type stuff.  Must be from the Lexapro.  I’m surprised it took this long to appear.  I’m not complaining though.

OK, I’m signing off to do some more stretching to try to relax my knotted muscles.  I have a trip to the ortho tomorrow and probably another PT session.  I’m going to see if they can do the same PT magic on my elbow.  Even after 3 days of not sleeping in the splint, it’s still extremely painful.

*sigh*

Anxiety

Breathe

My mantra for the week.  I’m trying to do some gentle stretching because the anxiety has my muscles in knots.  I’m trying to do semi-mindless gaming on Facebook.  Anything to keep my head in the present.

I’m scared, but at the moment, I’m OK.

Anger, Anxiety, Medication, PTSD, Venting

Teeter Totter

I don’t want to go all pessimist here, but it’s not going to be a good week.  I’m already teetering on the brink of insanity as it is.  The last couple weeks have been rough.  But it gets oh so much better.  I show up at Dr. P’s office for my weekly appointment to find out he’s in the hospital.  OK.  Fair enough.  But he didn’t leave orders for med refills.  Uh.  Hello!!!!!!!!!!  It’s a good thing I’m not bipolar of schizophrenic.  Yeah, depression and anxiety suck and goodness knows they can kill.  But imagine a bipolar yanked off his/her meds.

Oh yay.  Just googled up on tricyclic and Lexapro withdrawal.  Looks like I’m in for a week of hell.  If I don’t kill a kid by Friday, it’ll be a miracle.  As it is, I lost my cool with my last class of the day today.  A month to do 3 pages of homework and 1 out of 5 did it.  None of them did their weekly writing assignment.  They got an earful from me and then an earful from their Korean teacher.  And given their recent lackluster performance in class, they deserve every word they got.

Stupid GP doc won’t prescribe the meds even though I had a list and I was only asking for 1 week as it is somewhat of an emergency.  I can’t exactly walk into another GP’s office and say “Hi.  You don’t know me from Eve, but here’s a list of meds I need.  And oh, by the way, one of them is a benzo.”  Yeah.  I can see that happening.

I see myself tottering right over the side into the land of insanity.  Oh yes.  And to make life all the more fun, it’s that time of the month.

I’m not ready for this.  I feel weak and defenseless.  I feel like they have all been stripped away in the past few weeks.

*sigh*

Migraines

7; 10; 200

Migraine pain: 7/10

Migraine nausea: 10/10

Total calories consumed today: ~200

Migraine from hell doesn’t even begin to describe it.  My migraines have 2 triggers, hormones and stress.  I combat the hormonal issues by taking monophasic birth control continuously.  I go off for a week when the spotting gets too annoying.  Guess what time it is?  Yup.  My off week.  This week at work seems to have been more stressful than usual.  The week didn’t start off well with the panic attack stuff at the p-doc.  Sleep?  Ha.  I “sleep” but I thrash around all night and have such horrible nightmares I don’t even want to think about them.  So yeah, stress levels through the roof this week.

Add migraine nausea with the usual nausea I have with no appetite…  well, I managed to drink the bottle of apple juice my coworker gave me.  My boss bought one of our classes (we teach it together) ice-cream and wanted to get me some.  I refused.

I’d bet I’ve burned more than 200 calories today between walking to work and teaching.  And my basic bodily functions too.  I’m trying to make sure I stay hydrated.  I’m on the computer only long enough to type this.  Although the meds Dr. P gave me really helped the nausea (it’s down to my usual baseline levels) it didn’t really knock out the headache.  I did help, I’d say it’s down to about a 3/10.

I promise to try to get some real calories into my body tomorrow.  I’ve got to go for PT again.  The cherry blossoms are out so I might go tomorrow evening to the festival and take some pictures.  I don’t know.  All I know right now is I want to sleep.

Dreams, Nightmares, PTSD

Pink Pajamas

The flashbacks I’ve been having lately are becoming more clear.  I can clearly see myself, but not my surroundings or the other person (people maybe?)

In them, I’m wearing those footed pajamas.  You know the kind you put on little babies, but they make them in bigger sizes too. Ugh, a quick Google image search showed they make them for adults too.  *shudder*  I digress.  The pajamas I’m wearing are light pink with the white vinyl nonskid feet.  The trim on the collar and sleeves is striped with pink and white.

Part of me wants to know what’s up with this.  What happened.  But then again, I don’t want to know.  I know so much already and it’s really distressing.  Why does this make me feel so damn crazy?

Anxiety, Cats, Nightmares, PTSD

One Foot

All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.  The nightmares and now some flashbacks at work.  I can see the PT on my wrist as part of the triggers.  The damn IV site the other day was another one.  The run in with the yeast infection a couple of weeks ago.  I think it’s all more than my defences can handle right now.

I was planning to sleep in.  Nope.  I woke up and went to the bathroom.  I came back out and Gidgette had peed on my bed.  She headed to the bathroom and tried to pee there and just cried.  So much for sleeping in.  I wrestled her into her carrier and took her to the vet.  She was not a happy camper.  She either has struvite crystals in her bladder or an inflamed urethra.  So she’s on meds at the moment.  Got a shot of antibiotics and a steroid.  Now I have to hope she goes outside the litter box so maybe I can get a urine sample.  I really need to get a second box.

So yeah.  Just a few stressors in my life.  The impirimine didn’t do anything for the nightmares last night.  But maybe, just maybe it’ll take some time.

Medication, Notes

Med Notes

Just need to quickly jot down my meds.  And why not share it with the world so everyone knows just how crazy I am?

  • Escitalopram 10/10/10 mg
  • Nortriptyline 0/5/30 mg
  • Perphenozine .5/.5/1 mg
  • Amitriptyline 0/0/30 mg
  • Diazapam 2.5/2.5/2.5 mg
  • Bethanechol 25/25/25 mg
  • Imipramine 0/0/25 mg
  • Propylthiouracil 25/0/0 mg

Obviously he likes prescribing TCAs.  The Imipramine is new as of today.  He says it’ll help with the nightmares.  We’ll see.  Now to take something for the pain in my wrist and put the split back on…  Just got out of the shower and giving Gidgette a bath with her $23 dollar special medicated shampoo.

Anxiety, Mental Health, PTSD

Do Over?

Can I just have a do over for today?  Woke up later than I wanted.  Got to the p-doc.  Saw him.  Got meds adjusted (looks like what he gave me for nights will knock a horse into next week).  He decides on another IV of compazine.  Right wrist and hand out of commission for IV.  Why does this nurse pick the palm side of the base of my wrist.  Now I have a huge painful bruise.  Oh yes, and after they injected the compazine (ouch), the IV site hurt.  I finally asked then nurse to adjust it.  That helped.  Some.  Then the flashbacks kicked in.  I haven’t had one of this magnitude in ages.  Full sensory flashback.  I vaguely remember trying to curl up in a ball.  I vaguely remember my pdoc trying to get me to slow my breathing down.  I vaguely remember saying something like “No.  I hurts”.  He thought I was talking about the IV.  I was talking about the body memories.  He had the nurse take out the IV.  Slow I came back out of my head.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed.  I didn’t even look at my wrist.  Then I went to PT and saw the ortho.  He’s going to recheck the x-ray in another week.  He’s concerned there may be a vertical hair-line fracture in my wrist.  How the hell I might have done that, I don’t know.  I’ll go back to the pdoc tomorrow so he can check my wrist and let him know how the adjusted meds are working.

All I know right at this moment is both wrists hurt and I’m anxious as hell.  And that’s after 7.5 mg of Valium.