I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I’m getting hit from a thousand different directions. There’s some stuff going on at work that I really I don’t want to talk about. But my job may be in jeopardy. Not something that makes me feel all that secure.
My best friend is dying. About 18 months ago, she was diagnoised with a rare and very agressive form of breast cancer. It has since spread to her brain, spine and liver. She’s still undergoing treatment, but is quite miserable. I’m scared. I love M like a sister. I find myself boucing back and forth among the different stages of grief. But mostly I find myself being angry. And that scares me. I’ve never done anger well.
Yuck. That’s the only way I know how to describe how I physically feel. I guess I need to find a doctor here in Daejeon. I’ve been having nearly constant stomach pain for the last two weeks. It doesn’t matter if I eat, don’t eat or what I eat. My stomach hurts. I have no appetite. And honestly, I could care less. When I do finally find a doctor (hopefully tomorrow), I’m going to ask for a repeat of the TSH/T3/T4 tests. It’s been nearly a year, and I’m still just as miserable as I was when I had it checked the last time. Hopefully this person will listen to me.
The Zoloft just isn’t working. I can’t up the dose because if I do, I get horrible RLS type stuff going on at night. Seeing as I don’t sleep well to begin with, I don’t need to add to the misery.
I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Exercise doesn’t help, and it actually leaves me feeling worse. My mood sucks and honestly, I don’t care all that much. Yup. I’m depressed. I’m trying to do my best to hide it at work. That’s essential when you teach. But holy cow, it leaves me totally exhausted. I come home and pretty much just want to collapse. I have no energy or brain power to do anything I want to do. I ordered a few exercise books so I could start practicing my flute again. No energy, plus now I’m having joint pain in my hands. Great. I have a couple little programs I want to work on. I find myself staring at the screen and rereading code snippets and not even comprehending them.
Sorry for rambling. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.