Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a superficial person. What shows on the surface is often different than what I feel and think in private. I find it hard to express how I really feel about situations and things so I tend to say what I think people want to hear. I may be privately thinking, I hate you bitch and I don’t want to help. Instead, I say, no problem, I’d be happy to do it.
On the positive side, I’m better at identifying what I’m feeling. On the minus side, I don’t often let people see it. Is the old fear of expressing myself leading to punishment a good reason for hiding what I’m feeling? Or am I just a bad person?
I can see a lot of black and white thinking in this. I know I should try to see the shades of gray. But I can’t. It all gets lost.
So where to go from here? It seems like a scary proposition to tell other people what I’m thinking and feeling. Is it just the next stage. It’s kind of like standing on a ledge making preparations to jump into the ocean. It probably won’t hurt to jump, and it’ll be fun. But I just can’t make that leap.
I was with two very good friends a few weeks ago. R kept asking if I was OK. In reality, no I wasn’t. I was depressed, anxious and stressed over trying to find a new job. Yet, all I could say was that I was OK. I know my face betrayed my feelings. But I couldn’t take that leap to say it. No I’m miserable. I worried. I’m scared. I don’t want to go back home and look for a job. I want to stay here, but recruiters are dragging their feet.