Superficial?

Standard

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a superficial person.  What shows on the surface is often different than what I feel and think in private.  I find it hard to express how I really feel about situations and things so I tend to say what I think people want to hear.  I may be privately thinking, I hate you bitch and I don’t want to help.  Instead, I say, no problem, I’d be happy to do it.

On the positive side, I’m better at identifying what I’m feeling.  On the minus side, I don’t often let people see it.  Is the old fear of expressing myself leading to punishment a good reason for hiding what I’m feeling?  Or am I just a bad person?

I can see a lot of black and white thinking in this.  I know I should try to see the shades of gray.  But I can’t.  It all gets lost.

So where to go from here?  It seems like a scary proposition to tell other people what I’m thinking and feeling.  Is it just the next stage.  It’s kind of like standing on a ledge making preparations to jump into the ocean.  It probably won’t hurt to jump, and it’ll be fun.  But I just can’t make that leap.

I was with two very good friends a few weeks ago.  R kept asking if I was OK.  In reality, no I wasn’t.  I was depressed, anxious and stressed over trying to find a new job.  Yet, all I could say was that I was OK.  I know my face betrayed my feelings.  But I couldn’t take that leap to say it.  No I’m miserable. I worried.  I’m scared.  I don’t want to go back home and look for a job.  I want to stay here, but recruiters are dragging their feet.

GAH!!!!!

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

2 responses »

  1. one step at a time, eh? you’ve done good in progressing in identifying and feeling your feelings. if you don’t yet feel safe talking to others about them, so be it. Consider some truthful but unrevealing responses — “I’m not feeling well, I’ve got a lot on my mind” — acknowledges what your face shows, without betraying your boundaries. And if they ask, “What’s going on?” you can say “Oh, a lot of things” or “This and that” or “I’m not in the mood to talk about it right now, but thanks for asking.”

  2. I don’t think you’re superficial, I think you’ve had a lot of practice at hiding what you truly feel because it was safer to do so.

    Recently my therapist told me I could express anger, disappointment, fear and anything else on paper but not with my voice or my face. I can write it in detail but to say it or show it on my face isn’t something I do.

    I don’t express much on my face other than laughter. Sometimes I want to tell people to go fuck themselves but instead my mind kicks into help and understand mode. I go completely against what I’m thinking and do what I’m EXPECTED to do. Does this make me fake or false? No, it means I learned very early on what the safest route to take was. As a matter of habit I still take that route.

    Faith

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