I’m really trying my best not to lose the last bit of sanity I appear to have. I took my Korean co-worker’s advice and asked the doctor about the test results again. He basically didn’t want to listen. It’s his opinion that I probably just depressed. However, he’s recommended that I go see an internist to have a more comprehensive set of blood work done. I’m fine with that. I don’t really care how much it costs (and I know it won’t be much). I just want to feel better.
I had no way to convince this man that yes, I’m depressed with a little d. My typical every day, that’s just how my life is. I’m not Depressed with a big D. This is not clinical depression. I’ve had full blown, Major Depressive Disorder. This is not the same thing. I understand there may be some culture getting in the way. But me sitting in his office crying does not equal Depression. I’m physically exhausted. I can’t do my job. My hair is falling out and my nails just break off. I’m cold. I have no appetite and I eat enough to get by, yet I still gain weight. I used to go to the gym and work out 4-5 days a week and yet I still gained weight.
The kicker was him suggesting as I was walking out that I’m homesick. Please. He didn’t believe me when I said I’m not. And homesick is the last thing I am. I’ve been in Ulsan 2.5 years. This is my home. My family only makes me crazy. And given the prospects of getting a job back home, I don’t want to return to the madness any time soon. And I really didn’t feel like explaining that to him. I don’t think he could get it. Maybe I’m underestimating him, but it’s just the gut feeling I have.
So the only thing to do is go see the internist. That’s what I’ll do. It may have to wait until winter break. I don’t know if I can get one of the Korean teachers to go with me in the middle of the day. Heck, I don’t really have time to go in the middle of the day.