Child Abuse, Dreams, Emotions, My story

Music

Have you ever found yourself obsessively listening to a song?  Why do I do this?  I was minding my own business listening to Martina McBride’s Greatest Hits album when Concrete Angel started playing.   I know this song gets to me.  I don’t know how it wouldn’t get to anyone, especially abuse surviors.  The story behind the song is heart breaking.  I think that’s what gets me the most.  Abuse by a drunken mother.  Nobody really trying to figure out what’s going on.  Hiding the pain.  And I realize that I could have ended up like the little girl in the story.

As I sit her typing this (and listening to the song for probably the 15th time) I’m crying.  I know in a way this is good.  I’m letting out the emotions I’ve been stuffing for so long.  But it hurts too.  I miss the days when I could just stuff it all.  I know it wasn’t healthy, but it worked.

Even though I made it out alive, the words “But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she’s loved…” still apply.  I won’t say that my dreams involved living in Asia.  But I dreamed of getting a good education and getting out of that hell hole.  And I did.  Sometime I think the “geographic cure” isn’t the best way to cope with my life.  But it’s working for me for the moment.  And maybe that’s all that really matters.

*sigh*

Maybe I should quit listening to this sound.  It’s getting a little OCD now.

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5 thoughts on “Music”

  1. I do this too. I figure I need a jump start to letting out the tears so I listen to songs or watch movies I know will touch me deeply. Sometimes I need a little push to let it out. If I don’t it feels as if I’ll go crazy.

    Austin

  2. Hey Kathryn,

    I’m disappointed in myself to be able to relate to a lot of the things that you post when I’m only 16 and i have no real abuse story. I recognize that i am lucky to have what i have but it never quie gets me there. I’ve been reading your blog since i decided to look up anti-depressants because i am becoming too tired of barely being able to get out of bed in the mornings. I found your blog by googling Zoloft; I read your post and ended up crying because i was feeling exactly like that at the time. Your blog is one of the few reasons i own my computer still.

    I have say that music has been the best thing for me on hard nights and the first 10 years of my life, that i barely remember, are the years that i spent uninterested in music. Lyrics can be, at least, a temporary emotional band-aid.

    There were 3 years of my life that i couldn’t cry no matter how hard i tried; finally a song broke me down and i’ve been getting better since that day, but still i have nights where scars seem to find their way into my skin.

    Your blog reassures me that I’m not alone as i hope that i can help you realize that you are most definitely not alone.

  3. Music is one of the most important things in my inner life, really. I don’t know if you can say that someone is ‘addicted’ to music, but if it’s true, then I probably am. I am not obsessed with one particular song, band or music genre, I listen to everything that can resonate with my feelings, and this is exactly the thing that I look for, when listening to music. Music lets me feel/express my emotional states that I have no words how to describe, it sometimes takes me to a completely different place, by shaping my feelings, mood and thoughts. What sort of scares me, is that I think that I really need that….without music to silence me down, hype me up or simple occupy me, the thought train in my head would go at 100km/s and wreak havoc in me. Music is like an anchor that keeps me in a more or less safe place.

    As for crying – this is the best part of it all. There are a handful of songs that made me cry. Completely unrelated to each, from the entire spectrum of music styles, but somehow they get to me, and I cherish them more than anything for this very reason. I listen to them only occassionally, because they are so powerful, and I always do it alone, so that I can cry freely and openly.

    Don’t stuff it Kathryn. Let it all go…:)

  4. I am a victim of abuse too. I am 59 yrs old and I still have anger and depression. I pray and yes there is a JESUS I know for a fact but when I pray about this HE doesn’t seem to answer or help me. Why?

  5. I do the same thing all the time…except with Ruiner by Nine Inch Nails. Its nice to see that I’m not the only one doing that.

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