Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Migraines, Self Injury, Sleep, Venting, Work

I Love My Job…

…No, really, I do.

But there are points where I want to kill every last one of my coworkers, all the students and every mother in the city.  Oh yeah, the fathers too if they get in the way.

Why, you ask?  I’m borderline (heh, that too) exhausted.  I’ve been living in migraine city for the last couple weeks.  People are acting beyond crazy at school.  We have an open house coming up and everyone, including the students, is stressed out.  I have a student who is about 6 and I asked her if she was OK today.  I asked if she was sad or tired or angry.  H just answered “No teacher”.  I finally asked if she was worried about something.  She nodded and looked down at some of the open house material that she had to learn.  So I said “H, are you worried about open house?” and she just nodded.  I mean seriously, it can’t be healthy for a 6 year old to be that stressed out about school.

And to make things more fun, I have one of two extremely annoying songs going through my head almost constantly.  There’s “Telly’s Lunch” and “The Butterfly Song“.  I want to shoot myself in the head every time I press play on my mp3 player.

Open house is coming up in about 2 weeks.  And the kids literally have like 6 pages of material plus two songs to learn before then.  No wonder poor little H is stressed out of her mind.  I’d be stressed too.  The youngest kids are barely 4.  Sometimes I think the educational system in this country is nuts.  Not that the US system is any better.

I’m so tired because I haven’t been sleeping.  I’m so tired, I can’t sleep.  I just lay on the bed curled up in a fetal position and rock back and forth.  It’s the burning eye, sore muscle, stomachache kind of exhaustion.  Banging my head on the desk would probably be a blessed relief, but I’m not going to do that.  I know cutting would bring a whole lot of, albeit temporary, relief.  But I’m not going to do that.  It won’t solve any problems.  Honestly, because it’s getting to be warm, it would cause a whole lot of extra problems.  So yeah, I’m not going to go down that road.

I’m also trying to get stuff for portfolios ready.  Even though we have about 6 weeks to do them, I feel like I’m really behind.  Approximately 10 pieces of work to do and grade * 9 classes * approximately 13 students/class + report cards for all those kids + an additional class worth of report cards.  Yeah.  You can see why 6 weeks doesn’t seem all that long.

I also had to make up packets of work for 4 different classes today.  I have at least 1 more packet to put together in the next week or so.  I haven’t had a proper lunch all week.  I’ve basically been working 9-6 straight through.

Yes, I’m an idiot.  But if I didn’t get it all done, I’d stress even more.  And I’d get less sleep.  And I’d eat even less.  Yeah, I’m not doing so great on the eating front.  I don’t even want to look at food.  And the gym?  Ha! I need to renew my monthly membership.  I haven’t gone in almost 3 weeks.  Two weeks ago I was sick.  Last week, I tripped over my two big, left feet as I was getting ready and twisted the living crap out of my weaker ankle.

I need a vacation.  Big time.  So many national holidays have falled on the weekend this year.  And if the holiday is on the weekend, we don’t get any days off.  It’s not like back home where you’d get the Monday following off.

I’m tired.  I’m anxious.  I’m depressed.  I’m in pain.  That pretty much sums it up.

*sigh*

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6 thoughts on “I Love My Job…”

  1. After crying at work today, I’ve decided to ask my boss for a week off before our official summer break. With renewing my contract I’m eligible for that. It’s unpaid, but I really don’t care at this point. The only thing to make sure of is my portfolios are done and I leave some sort of lesson plans. I have to have some sort of break.

    What went through my head today is that if I hadn’t renewed my contract I’d be heading back to the states within a week or so. And while that sounds good, I know it isn’t. I’d have to move back in with my grandmother and that would make me nuts. And I’d have to worry about finding a job in the economy. So basically I’m better off staying over here.

  2. Good that you decided to take a break, prolonged periods of both mental and physical stress can take a lot of time to recover afterwards. Even though it may seem that you could go like that for “a few days more”, it’s a false friend that can betray you badly. Did you take any entertainment during the break or just focused on regenerating?

  3. I’ll find out next week if I can get some time off. I’m hoping to get the last week of July off, but it might be the second week of August.

  4. Hi Katm! This is my first time to visit your blog. I found it just now when I did a search for “faces of emotions” on Google Images. Your site was one of the first ones on the list. I read a couple of your entries and can greatly understand your depression and migraines. It’s obvious just from what little I’ve read that you’ve had to endure quite a lot. :(

    I also have a history of abuse — not sexual but emotional. Well… some sexual but it wasn’t my dad. It was a neighborhood boy and *nothing* on the level that you’ve experienced, even though it did have some effect on me. I deal with both depression and migraines too. I have a very hard time dealing with stress but I’m learning. I’m currently a graduate student in a masters level Neuropsychology program; which is speeding up the process of my quest for learning how to better cope with daily challenges. I’m learning about psychological challenges that various people face, including myself, and how these challenges are intertwined with bodily functions — how the mind effects the body and vice versa. So I just wanted to share a couple of things I’ve learned that might help you also. These are things that have been helping me specifically battle the migraines and depression. You are already in therapy and may know some of this already but…. just in case you don’t, here goes:

    Depression is due to a chemical process that includes the creation of neurotransmitters and can be effected by our diet as well as our thought processes. For example Vitamin B12 is a necessity in dealing with stress and is actually called at times “the stress vitamin.” Depression occurs when we have difficulties coping with the stress in our lives; so B12 is a good place to start focusing on depression as far as nutrition is concerned. It definitely helps!! It’s not the cure-all to depression though. (You probably already know though that there’s no true simple cure-all for *anything* as our bodies are just too complex.) Folic acid is definitely a biggie too, especially for women.

    The creation of neurotransmitters in our body **depends** on certain vitamins and minerals being present in our diet, as well as sufficient amounts of oxygen and water. For instance iron and B6 are absolutely necessary to produce the neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine and epinephrine. These are three of our major neurotransmitters and their creation in sufficient quantities is all riding on whether or not we get sufficient quantities of iron and B6 in our diet!!! (There’s more to this process besides iron and B6 but that’s just an example.)

    Migraines can also be brought on by a magnesium deficiency. This is one that I just recently found out about on a personal level. I started having more frequent and intense migraines when I went on a very widely used antidepressant. They got even more frequent and intense when I started using coffee to help counteract the side effects of the meds. As you deal with depression, you might have some experience with antidepressants and may have personally experienced the constipating effects they can produce. (This side effect has been quite severe for me and is a very big reason for me wanting to get off the medication.) Coffee has laxative properties so I figured it would be better than taking OTC laxatives since it’s a more natural substance and also less likely to interfere with the action of the meds than synthetic laxatives. While I’m very big into natural healing, I still have quite a lot to learn. One thing I did *not* know was that coffee also robs your body of magnesium. So I was slowly building up a great deficit of magnesium (which I’m now trying to replenish). I figured this out on Monday after I had to leave right in the middle of class due to a horrendous migraine. I was having problems breathing and was also having heart palpitations, as I hadn’t been careful to take my B12 and folic acid. (Both B12 and folic acid are necessary to guard against a buildup of homocysteine, which causes heart problems. Homocysteine is the result of SAM breaking down and donating methyl groups to other substances and SAM is necessary in the production of epinephrine…. one of those major neurotransmitters. Folic acid and B12 are necessary to rebuild homocysteine back into SAM.) I was also having a dreadful problem with constipation because I had missed having my cup of coffee once and had missed taking the stool softeners two days in a row. So I took a laxative that has magnesium citrate as its main ingredient. Surprisingly I found that the stupid laxative cured my migraine, eased my heart palpitations and made it easier for me to breathe!!! I started doing some research on magnesium deficiencies and the related symptoms. Lo and behold some of the things included were depression, asthma, migraines, heart problems including hypertension and palpitations, allergies, chronic fatigue, cluster headaches, constipation, PMS, cramps, insomnia, stress, tinnitis, and TMJ, as well as ADHD, which *all* apply to me!! (There’s more symptoms but these are just some of them.) So it’s obvious that my body has been playing big tricks on my mind… or vice versa… it’s hard to say. In either case, I’m tackling the problem by fighting it with better nutrition; and it seems to be helping quite a bit already!!! I have gone back to my regular routine of B12 and folic acid and have also added B6 and magnesium to my list of supplements. I’ve started concentrating on whole foods, especially those high in magnesium like bananas, green veggies, nuts, and seeds. I can feel the difference already although I’ve still got a long ways to go before I’d consider myself satisfied with how I feel. It’s a good start though! Hopefully this info will help you as well in your quest to feel better both in body and mind. I would definitely encourage you to delve deeply into the mind-body connection, as my research keeps proving to me over and over that it is real and definitely important to explore.

    All those times you were suffering abuse, your mind was enacting chemical reactions and the chemical reactions in your body were acting in return on your mind. You still have chemical reactions that occur just when *thinking* about those past experiences. So keeping in mind that the chemical reaction in your body is playing a big part on your mind and vice versa might help you fight back against the memories that haunt you. It definitely can’t hurt to try and it’s just another tool in your toolbelt.

    God bless you and may you receive full healing soon!!

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