It hit me hard last night. I’ve never actually felt sad before when thinking about my past. I know this is probably a good thing. It feels pretty bad. And it kind of scared me. But deep down inside, I realize it’s a new step in healing.
My biggest problem now is fighting the urge to push it all down. I’m so used to doing that with emotions, that it’s an instant reaction.
I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to feel my emotions. I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I shut down. I know it’s going to take a while. It’s not something that will happen overnight. It will also take work.
I’m going to take it in baby steps, much like the shower. Maybe it’s ok to feel them a few seconds at a time and work my way up to where I can tolerate longer periods of time.
The other thing I’m not going to do is beat myself up for feeeling overwhlemed by my feelings and stuffing them. It’s not a crime, and nothing bad will happen. Yes, nothing bad will happen despite what I was told growing up.
Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’m destined to live my life as an emotionless robot. Maybe that’s okay. However it turns out, I’ll know that I did try. And maybe the trying is what’s really important.