It hit me hard last night. I’ve never actually felt sad before when thinking about my past. I know this is probably a good thing. It feels pretty bad. And it kind of scared me. But deep down inside, I realize it’s a new step in healing.
My biggest problem now is fighting the urge to push it all down. I’m so used to doing that with emotions, that it’s an instant reaction.
I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to feel my emotions. I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I shut down. I know it’s going to take a while. It’s not something that will happen overnight. It will also take work.
I’m going to take it in baby steps, much like the shower. Maybe it’s ok to feel them a few seconds at a time and work my way up to where I can tolerate longer periods of time.
The other thing I’m not going to do is beat myself up for feeeling overwhlemed by my feelings and stuffing them. It’s not a crime, and nothing bad will happen. Yes, nothing bad will happen despite what I was told growing up.
Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’m destined to live my life as an emotionless robot. Maybe that’s okay. However it turns out, I’ll know that I did try. And maybe the trying is what’s really important.
I went to bed last night. It dawned on me as I was lying in bed. Ivory has me trained. I was all the way by the wall, basically smushed into the corner. She was all stretched out on the other part of the bed.
It’s true what they say. Dogs have owners; cats have servants.
I walking through Lotte Mart getting notebooks for my students and what do I see? Crayola crayons. Why should this excite me so? Crayolas (or any American crayon brand) are pretty much non-existant in Korea. We have a choice of two different types of crayons here. One is more like oil pastels and you can usually get them in a 24 color pack. The others are more wax like, such as we’d find in the US. And they’re in twisty tubes. So it’s like having a crayon in a pen container. Yeah, I know that makes no sense. I have a package right here in my desk at home, but my battery for my camera is on the other side of the room charging and there’s a kitten sleeping in my arms. So, camera, ain’t gonna happen right now.
So I had to do it. I bought a pack of Crayolas. 24 of those smelly wonderful American crayons. I’m so printing off a bunch of coloring pages tomorrow at work. My inner child is going to have a blast.
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about my post from the other day. It’s a weird thing. I don’t really understand it. But I think it has something to do with unconditional love. I guess I still think that love = pain.
I was on the bed with Ivory this morning. I spent the morning in bed trying to finish recovering from this stupid sinus infection/bronchitis. Thankfully I feel human again and my voice is almost back. But I digress. I’m in bed and Ivory is next to me, curled up in a little ball. She’s purring away. I slightly shift positions. She comes and lays on my stomach and looks at me with those beautiful hazel/gray eyes of her. She was just happy to lie there and be scratched behind the ears. She didn’t want anything more than to be loved. And she was happy to give me the same unconditional love back. She doesn’t have to hurt me to love me.
We can play however we want. If she scratches, it’s just in play. I need to see it that way. I need to know she’s not trying to hurt me. It’s just play.
Sorry that this doesn’t make much sense. I’m still trying to sort it all out in my head.
OK, that sounds weird. I’ve been SI free since February of 2001. That’s 8 very long years. That hasn’t changed the urges. When they hit, they hit strong and they hit fast. I’ve always been able to fight them off. No cutting was a pledge that I made to myself a long time ago. I don’t want to go back there. I can’t go back there. It’s just not an option. I have better coping strategies.
But… and it’s a big but…
Is letting Ivory scratch me while playing a form of SI? I know my emotional response should be able to answer the question. But I’m having trouble understanding the whole emotion thing right now. Part of it is because my brain is horribly fuzzy from being sick. Part of it is general stress and craziness at work.
Sometimes it feels good when she scratches. Sometimes it pisses me off. Sometimes I understand she’s just playing. I don’t want to get into the habit of letting her play rough. I don’t want to make her do my emotional dirty work.
Does this make any sense? I dunno. Part of me says it’s wrong. Part of me tells me I should start over from Day 1. And I guess that would be OK.
Anyone else gone through a similar situation? Anyone have any advice for me?