There are days when I really want to give up. I try to do the things normal people do. But sometimes I just can’t. Case in point, a coworker is leaving on Thursday. We had a going away party for her. I walked into the bar, looked around for a minute or so and then turned around and walked right out. Between the smoke, sheer number of people and the noise, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do it. Is it being smart? Or is it being stupid to do that? I mean, if I had stayed, maybe I would have had fun. I didn’t even try. I just gave up. Sometimes I think I need to push myself more. But I end up freaking out. And that gets me nowhere.
The smoke was so bad there, just those few minutes stunk up my clothes and hair to the point I knew I would need to shower before I could go to bed. I’ve not been showering at night for a very long time. It’s a work around, but it makes my life easier. I’ve not had a panic attack in the shower for a while now. I’ve actually been doing a lot better with it. But hell, I don’t know what triggered it, if it was just the night time thing. But I couldn’t get out of the damn bathroom fast enough. I didn’t even wait for the water to warm up. I swear I took a 3 minute shower. I soaped my body and hair and rinsed off. I was freezing cold (see the not waiting for hot water thing) and I just wrapped myself in a blanket. I wedged myself between my TV and the wall and I just rocked back and forth.
The whole thing left me totally exhausted. I broke out my emergency stash of Valium and drugged myself. I didn’t know what else to do. I tried some of the coping techniques that have gotten me through some of the rough spots. But they weren’t working. I’ll be upfront, I have to be near hysterical before I’ll take the Valium. I knew I needed to sleep. My body needed a chance to rest. Without something to cut the anxiety down to a manageable level, that wasn’t going to happen. It helped. I slept, for the most part. I have a feeling that I had the weird dreams I’ve been having, but at least I didn’t remember them.
I’m still very much on edge and jumpy. The stress triggered a migraine, which always makes things fun. Grocery shopping was a real chore today. I wish I would have done it yesterday. I was looking for a pet store yesterday because I want to get a cat. Cats are not very popular here. It’s definitely a dog country. A yippy dog country at that. A dog country where they dress up their dogs and dye the fur on their ears and tails garish colors. All the wandering around the city yesterday (plus having lunch with two coworkers) tuckered me out. Thus, I left the shopping for today. I did make it through the grocery store, but it was a huge challenge. And, of course, I managed to forget to get laundry detergent.
Baby steps. Baby steps. Just gotta take baby steps.