Emotions, Family, Friends, Interesting stuff, Kitten, Randomness, Relationships

Kitten!

I have an adorable ball of fuzz.  I’m so excited.  It’s only in the last couple weeks I’ve felt like I’ve completed the grieving process with Sparkler.  I loved her so much.  But, I knew I didn’t want another guinea pig.  I knew I wanted a cat.  Now, you have to understand, Korea is not a cat country.  No serious.  It’s really not.  I went to a dozen places before I found one with a cat for sale.  And dear lord was she expensive.  But she was totally worth every won I spent.  She’s been in my life less than 12 hours and I can’t imagine living without her.

Right now, she’s curled up in (on?) one of my shoes.  Once I coaxed her out from under the bed, she started to play.  She has one of those mice on an elastic string tied to a stick.  She loves it.  She was going crazy.  She’s purrs like no cat I’ve ever heard before.

I’m still working on the name thing.  I know her Korean name will either be 눈(noon) which means snow (and eye) or 구름(goorum) which means cloud.  I’m sort of leaning toward 눈.  I’m just not sure what English name to give her.  I’ll take suggestions.  You’ve helped me name animals in the past.

So here are some pics of my new baby.

Randomness, Venting

Back Online

My name is Kathryn and I’m an internet addict.

It’s good to be back.  A power surge took out the fuse on the power brick on my DSL modem.  I woke up on Tuesday and had no internet access and a seemingly dead modem.  I talked nicely to it.  I tapped it gently.  I swore at it.  I begged and pleaded with it.  Alas, those things don’t fix blown fuses.  It’s actually quite the miracle I didn’t blow a fuse.  I mean, what was I to do without 24/7 access to my email.

I’m an email junky.  No really, I am.  I usually get between 40 and 100 messages per day for different reasons.  I probaly need to respond to 10% of those.  The computers at work have been tied up all week because they’re printing out copies of the curriculum for all of the parents.  Why they didn’t outsource it to a print shop, I’ll never know.  What they’re spending in ink and paper and binders and labor is probably the same as what a print shop would have charged.  But I digress.

My boss called the phone company Tuesday morning.  They told her Thursday at the earliest, maybe even Friday when they could get out.  I flipped.  She told me not to worry because she told them that was unacceptable.  Seriously, all they had to do was deliver a new modem.  I could have installed the thing myself.  It’s like four cables to hook up.

The nice KT folks came today (Thursday).  He delivered a new modem.  I now have internet access again.  I can indulge my email (gah, another one just arrived that needs and answer) and my FaceBook addiction.  And now I have something to do in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep.  Soft Korean porn doesn’t really do it for me……..

Anxiety, Emotions, Fears, PTSD, Questions

I Keep Trying

There are days when I really want to give up.  I try to do the things normal people do.  But sometimes I just can’t.  Case in point, a coworker is leaving on Thursday.  We had a going away party for her.  I walked into the bar, looked around for a minute or so and then turned around and walked right out.  Between the smoke, sheer number of people and the noise, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do it.  Is it being smart?  Or is it being stupid to do that?  I mean, if I had stayed, maybe I would have had fun.  I didn’t even try.  I just gave up.  Sometimes I think I need to push myself more.  But I end up freaking out.  And that gets me nowhere.

The smoke was so bad there, just those few minutes stunk up my clothes and hair to the point I knew I would need to shower before I could go to bed.  I’ve not been showering at night for a very long time.  It’s a work around, but it makes my life easier.  I’ve not had a panic attack in the shower for a while now.  I’ve actually been doing a lot better with it.  But hell, I don’t know what triggered it, if it was just the night time thing.  But I couldn’t get out of the damn bathroom fast enough.  I didn’t even wait for the water to warm up.  I swear I took a 3 minute shower.  I soaped my body and hair and rinsed off.  I was freezing cold (see the not waiting for hot water thing) and I just wrapped myself in a blanket.  I wedged myself between my TV and the wall and I just rocked back and forth.

The whole thing left me totally exhausted.  I broke out my emergency stash of Valium and drugged myself.  I didn’t know what else to do.  I tried some of the coping techniques that have gotten me through some of the rough spots.  But they weren’t working.  I’ll be upfront, I have to be near hysterical before I’ll take the Valium.  I knew I needed to sleep.  My body needed a chance to rest.  Without something to cut the anxiety down to a manageable level, that wasn’t going to happen.  It helped. I slept, for the most part.  I have a feeling that I had the weird dreams I’ve been having, but at least I didn’t remember them.

I’m still very much on edge and jumpy.  The stress triggered a migraine, which always makes things fun.  Grocery shopping was a real chore today.  I wish I would have done it yesterday.  I was looking for a pet store yesterday because I want to get a cat.  Cats are not very popular here.  It’s definitely a dog country.  A yippy dog country at that.  A dog country where they dress up their dogs and dye the fur on their ears and tails garish colors.   All the wandering around the city yesterday (plus having lunch with two coworkers) tuckered me out.  Thus, I left the shopping for today.  I did make it through the grocery store, but it was a huge challenge.  And, of course, I managed to forget to get laundry detergent.

Baby steps.  Baby steps.  Just gotta take baby steps.

Dreams, Emotions

Dreams and Other Random Stuff

Dreams.  Why?  I’d almost prefer the nightmares at this point in time.  At least the nightmares made sense to me.  I feel like I’m dreaming all friggin’ night long.  And I must somehow contort my body into strange positions because I’ve haven’t had a morning where I’m not sore for the last couple weeks.  This morning I can barely turn my neck.  Should make teaching today a real blast.

I’ve started and stopped myself from posting a dozen or more times over the last week.  Everything I write makes me sound like a whiny little brat.  The only thing I keep thinking is who in the world wants to read another rant by you.

For once, I’d like things to be easy.

*sigh*