It just dawned on me. I’m afraid to sleep tonight. I can’t pin point a trigger either. This is really strange. I haven’t felt like this in a long time.
God I hate my brain.
I’m completely exhausted from not sleeping well the past two nights. I’m wired as all hell. And now I’m afraid to get in my bed.
Sorry, just trying to figure out what I feel right now… Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.
I sit around at work and I see the kids running around. It really bothers me that I can’t remember being a kid. I know there are reasons for my lack of memory of childhood. But the lack of memory bothers me. I remember the names of all of my elementary school teachers, but I don’t remember much about going to school.
In a way, I feel like I don’t understand my students. I don’t understand what it means to be a kid. I don’t understand how it’s so hard for them to sit still. Maybe understand isn’t the right word. I do understand on an intellectual level why kids are kids and why they behave the way they do. But I can’t seem to apply it on a personal level. I just don’t remember.
It’s frustrating. I think it keeps me from being the best teacher I can be. And of course, I’m such a perfectionist, that bothers me all the more.
Does this make me a bad person? I keep coming back to this question. It’s a dumb question. I know intellectually that I’m not a bad person. I haven’t killed anyone, although I have one or two students that are getting close. I don’t try to hurt people on purpose. But it was so ingrained in me that I am a horrible person that it’s hard for me to see that I’m not.
Part of me hurts really bad. I wish I could understand childhood on more than an intellectual level. I wish I could understand the emotional part of it. I wish I could understand the freedom. I wish I could understand the trust. I feel like I’ve lost so much. I wonder who I would be today if I had a different past.
I should be grateful I’m alive. Many children in my circumstances don’t get out alive. All in all, my mind is fairly intact. I can function in society, for the most part. I have my quirks, but then again, so do most people.
Another rambling, incomprehensible post…
I was actually having a good time. I mean, come on. How often does that happen. Let me back up. Today we had our Kindergarten Presentations. Awwww, the kids were so damn cute. When I got to the Art High School, I thought I was nauseous from motion sickness. Damn idiot cab driver. It was pretty bad, so I took some compazine, which I had in my purse. I thourghly enjoyed the presentations. Did I mention the kids were really cute? About half way through, the headache started. Oh crap, a migraine. And of course, you know, I had no Zomig in my purse. I must have taken the last one last week and forgot to put a new package in. I also thought my ibuprofin bottle was empty (which it wasn’t). Even if I had looked, I couldn’t have gotten those big horse pills down without water.
After presentations, some of the staff decided to go out to dinner. We ended up at a Korean BBQ place down the street from the school. We toasted with a shot of soju (I think this is where I really made the mistake). Dinner came, we grilled up our meat. I had some soup (spicy tofu soup, FWIW). I had a little piece of grilled octopus. This whole time, my headache was starting to go away from the 800mg of ibuprofin I popped and the nausea had died down from the compazine.
All of a sudden, I thought I was going to lose the little bit of food that I had eaten. I ran to the bathroom. It was disgusting. But at least it wasn’t the hole in the ground toilet, it was a real western one. The smell was so bad I ran right back out. I gave a coworker some money and told her I was leaving.
I then ran home and proceded to puke. Then I took a Zomig. Now I’m waiting for the nausea and the headache, both that got worse from throwing up to subside. I’m throwing my clothes on the floor. I’ll deal with them tomorrow. I’m going to climb into bed and put a pillow over my head to block out the light that comes in.
It totally sucks because I was actually having a good time. I wasn’t stressing about this, that, or the other thing. My mood was actually normal. It almost feels like I can’t win. The old thoughts of not deserving to be happy because I’m a bad person came flooding back.