Depression, Emotions, Mental Health, Randomness, Sleep, Venting

All linked together

Ugh ugh ugh.

I feel like shit.  Allergies are kicking my ass.  Thus, I haven’t slept well.  Lack of sleep tends to exacerbate my depression.  And the days are getting way shorter.  Yay for SAD.  Depression saps me of motivation to cook, so I’m eating junk.  Eating junk craps out my immune system making it less likely I’ll fight off whatever germs the kids are carrying.


I have no idea why I’m posting this.  Just needed to let off steam I guess.

Anxiety, Emotions

An Hour

That’s how long I made it at norre bong (think karaoke, but in a private room) before flipping my gourd.  And that was after several hours at a bar.  It feels really screwed up when being able to sit in a hot, noisy room for an hour is an accomplishment.  But a year ago, I wouldn’t have made it five minutes.

It didn’t help that the vast majority of the people there were drunk out of their skulls and smoking cigs like they’re going to be banned tomorrow.  Now my eyes, nose and throat burn.  As soon as I got home, I threw my out on the porch.  I jumped in the shower (before I turned on the hot water heater).  I didn’t want my smelly (smoky) body to touch my furniture.

Ugh.  I didn’t really want to go in the first place, now I’m pretty sorry I did…

Anxiety, Dreams, Emotions, Friends, Randomness, Sleep

Weird Dreams

Sometimes I think it would be easier to handle the nightmares. I don’t understand them, per se. But at least I’m used to them. They distress me, yes. But I’ve gotten better at just letting them go.

Lately, I’ve found myself dreaming of weird stuff. Not nightmare material, just weird. People who I haven’t though about in years show up in my dreams. People I never want to think about again show up in my dreams. Many of them are acquaintances from high school. I’d say friends, but that really isn’t the case. I had only had a handful (three at the most) real friends in high school. Many of them are people I knew from band. Yes, I was a band nerd. You aren’t surprised, are you?

I’m finding these people are mostly folks who’ve contacted me on Facebook. I have no problem adding them as FB friends. It’s kind of nice to see what some of them are up to. I’m guessing the renewed contact with them is why they’re invading my dreams.

But the situations in the dreams are just so damn weird. OK, here’s an example from a few nights ago. For some reason I was going back to college for a degree in physics (holy heavens, I’m not smart enough for that, second term general physics just about killed me the first time around). My academic adviser was a high school “friend” who recently completed her PhD in physics (the gal’s a freaking genius). She scheduled me a bunch of classes. And when I say a bunch, with labs, I ended up being in class 12 hours a day. Now, granted, I took a lot of classes in college at one point (18 credit hours a quarter for a year, and when I factored in labs, it was more like 24 contact hours a week). But never did I go to class for 12 hours in one day. But that’s where the dream ended. It was pretty short, mainly because a car alarm going off outside my apartment woke me up.

Last night I was dreaming about being in a warehouse store type place. Think Sam’s Club or Costco, but pretty much deserted. I was buying a bunch of notebooks for a class. I ended up having lunch in some sort of customer break room. I forgot my purse in there. When I went back, two “friends” from high school where there and wouldn’t give me back my purse (which was clearly mine because they were looking at the ID in my wallet). In this dream, these people were employees. I ended up going to the service desk and trying to file a police report. The person working at the service desk was someone I know from the NAMI group I attended in the US. Whatever the resolution in the dream was (it gets fuzzy and hazy at that point) was weird. We ended up in a jewelery store buying a gold necklace with the police officer (who happened to be one of my professors from graduate school).

I occasionally dream of coworkers, but that often involves some sort of work situation. Thus, those dreams don’t seem quite so weird.

Dear Sweet Jesus, I wish I understood my messed up brain. I’m afraid to use one of those online dream analysis symbolism things because I’m not sure if I want to know what they mean.

Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Family, Randomness

Some updates

I don’t have a whole lot to say.  I’m still processing being home.  There are days it seems so real and days when it just feels like a bad dream.  I’m thankful to be back in Korea.

It’s a three day weekend.  Thank goodness.  I’m still exhausted from the trip home.  The weather flying back was really bad for the last 2 hours on the flight into Tokyo.  No seriously…  I started saying Hail Mary’s.  I left my stomach somewhere over the Pacific.

I updated the OS on my computer today.  That turned out to be a bigger pain that I thought.  Why is it that I seem to need 2+ tries to actually get an upgrade right.

I bought some new bedding for my apartment.  My summer bedding was too light now that it’s getting chilly at night.  I technically didn’t need it.  However, the stuff I had was pink.  I’m not a pink person.  The new stuff is blue with pink roses on one side and stripes on the other.  Right now I have the flowered side up, but I think I’ll change it to the striped side.  I’m not anti-flower, but I’m only kind of meh about the pattern.  Find bedding that wasn’t god awful ugly and/or expensive was really challenging.  When I do move home, I’ll ship both the summer and winter bedding home.  I’m not leaving it for the next people.

That’s about all.  Emotionally I’m confused.  I’m tending toward stuffing mode, so I’m working hard to at least acknowledge that I’m feeling stuff, even if I don’t understand it.