Storms

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Nightmare city tonight…

It’s not secret I’m freaked out by thunderstorms. They were predicting them all day. They never arrived. That’s a good thing.  As I’ve written out the dream, I’ve put some comments in parentheses, mostly possible symbolism.

So in this dream, I’m in some sort of a summer house with a sun room.  You know, one of those glassed in room deals (feelings of exposure).  I’m sleeping on the floor and my mother is sleeping in the bed.  Why in the world is the sun room set up like a bedroom (so much happened in the bedroom)?  No idea.  The dream starts out with me sleeping.

All of a sudden it starts storming.  Just a little storm, nothing really bad.  The type of lightening that just lights up the whole sky and some rumbling thunder.  But it’s enough to wake me up in the dream.

So I wake up and after a minute or so, the little thunder storm turns into a rip roaring insane storm.  The lightening is the cloud to ground kind.  The thunder is the kind that booms and shakes the entire house.  In the dream, the lightening changes colors, usually centered around the reds and golds (anger???).  At times it seems to be in slow motion.  As I’m busy freaking out, I keep thing “Oh wow, this would make an awesome picture.” (trying to find some normalcy???).

I sit up and I’m shaking.  I’m doing the whole hypervigilance thing.  I’m waiting for the walls of this flimsy sun room to blow in or out at any moment.  I can see them bending and hear them groaning as the wind blows.  I start screaming.

If the dream stopped there, I don’t think it would have bugged me so much.  But in this dream, I start clinging to my mother.  I’m an adult in the dream, but I literally wrapped myself around her legs.  It wasn’t her reaction that bothers me.  She basically just kicked me away.  It was me as an adult going to her for comfort when I know damn well, she wouldn’t do anything to help.  The futility of it all is what drives me crazy.

I know I long for a mother figure and a father figure.  I long for parents who would have loved and nurtured me.  I don’t think that’s all that abnormal.  In fact, if I didn’t, I think I’d be more worried about my mental health.

So basically, it’s 3:30 AM.  I’m waiting for the Ativan to kick in.  I’m biding my time by writing this and fooling around on Facebook (god can that be a time sink).  I have the irrational longing to go to the convenient store across the street and buy a couple beers to get rip roaring drunk, either that or a bottle of Soju (10 bucks versus a buck).  I won’t, because I’ve taken the Ativan and rationality should ensue quickly.  And I won’t because I know that getting drunk won’t solve anything.  Oh yes, and I actually need to get stuff accomplished tomorrow (errrr…. today) and being hungover would definitely put a kink in the getting stuff done mode.

OK, random thought before I go to bed.  This is well over 500 words.  Any of you remember when it took hours to write 500 words?  I remember having to write a 500 word essay on “A Tale of Two Cities” as part of our summer AP English assignment.  I remember counting each and every one of those words (yes, this was back in the day before spell check and word count in word processors — PFS Write for an Apple IIC if you must know) and rejoicing when I hit the 500 word point.  It took me days to get get there.  OK, well over 600 words now.  And I banged this out in what?  Fifteen minutes?

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

6 responses »

  1. I do remember those days…….counting words and trying to make enough of them but not get marked down for unnecessary “stretching.” Then, I’m so not computer savy that I didn’t know I could check my wordcount! lol

    I’m up with a bad dream too. Sorry to see I have company! No drugs for me, I’ll be up for the duration. Hope you sleep well when the drugs kick in………..

  2. Hope you slept well RisingRainbow. Nightmares suck. And I’ve had a series of *really* weird ones lately.

  3. You started off in the most vulnerable state a human can be in. One of your great fears took place. Your world was about to crumble around you and you did the very thing children do, you looked to the comfort of your mother. She did what mother’s should not do, she offered rejection instead of comfort. I saw you cling to hope, hope that she’d be of comfort when you needed her. That’s what I saw in the dream, longing and clinging to what kids (even adult kids) want and need from their parents (even abusers and enablers).

    When I dream about me as an adult and something like what you’re talking about happens it angers me so much. I feel humiliated and just furious that I’d give myself over to rejection. The thing is, I’m the normal one, she’s the abuser. My reactions and needs are normal unlike the reactions and behaviors of an abuser.

    We still long don’t we? Like normal people we still long for the mother/parent connection. It’s just painful and disturbing when we know we still want it from the very people that hurt us or let us be hurt.

    Austin

  4. Any of you remember when it took hours to write 500 words?

    Not really. I’ve always been all about the hypergraphia. :)

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