Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Medication, Randomness, Sleep

Anger and Depression

Someone once told me that Freud said depression is anger turned inward. I’m too tired lazy to look it up and see if it’s true.  But regardless, I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationship between anger and depression lately.  I’m trying to do all the right things.  I’m taking my meds.  I’m trying to take some time just for myself.  I’m trying to eat right and exercise.  I’m drinking more water.  I’m trying to work through issues.  I’m trying to get enough sleep.

But even with doing all of that, I feel like absolute shit.  I almost burst into tears at work yesterday.  I come home at lunch or after work and close the blinds and the windows.  I just want quiet.  With all the little people running around, I’m being driven into sensory overload right now.  I’m not sure what’s triggering the overload.  I’ve been doing this for a year without this level of distress.

Nothing seems right at the moment.  I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.  I don’t know what I want or where I want to be.  The only thing I do know is that I don’t want to be around people.  Maybe I should suck it up and go back to school and get a computer science degree.  Then I could be a hermit and still make a living.

A lot of it boils down to dealing with the anger that’s been bubbling up inside.  I don’t like feeling it.  I know it’s not going to kill me, but it sure as hell can make me uncomfortable.  That’s where the depression – anger link comes into play.  I don’t like feeling the anger, so I know I’m stuffing it.  Stuffing emotions never seems to make things any better (at least in the long run).  But right now, it’s all I know how to do.  I’m hanging on by a thread right now.  If I actually tried to feel and/or process the anger, I think that thread would snap.  But by not processing the anger, am I driving myself further down into the depression.

It almost feels like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I don’t know how to move forward, and moving backward just isn’t an option.  I’m at the point where a therapist would be very handy.  I don’t think I can find one where I am and I certainly don’t want to do the internet therapy route.  I’m on my own with this one.  That scares me too.  I don’t know why though.  I’ve spent so many years on my own, taking care of myself.  Hell, I should be an expert at it.  But I just want to crawl into the closet and close the door.

Oddly enough, I did that when I was a kid.  Maybe this is some sort of age regression thing going on too.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I’m miserable.  I’m going to keep doing the self care.  I’m not giving up on that.  Eventually things have to get better, right?

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Anxiety, Emotions, Family, Venting

Mother’s Day

I always end up with mixed feelings on Mother’s Day.

Sometimes I think my mother was just as much a victim as I was. Sometimes I even feel some empathy for her. I don’t know with 100% confidence that my grandfather did the same things to her, but it’s a pretty good bet. Things like that just don’t start.

And then there are the time when I just hate her. She made the choices she did. She walked away when she saw what my father was doing to me. She allowed that cycle of abuse to continue. I’m not saying it would have been easy for her to intervene and get me help. But it would have been the right thing to do. She saw kids day in and day out at work who were going through similar circumstances. She helped them, but she couldn’t help me.

I’m sitting here writing this and I realize just how angry I am. It has taken me years and years to get to the point where I can feel anger. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but it isn’t nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. There are no lightening bolts coming in through my windows. The earth isn’t spinning off its axis. The city hasn’t self destructed. It is really windy outside, though.

I still question whether I have the right to be angry. Maybe I should just suck it up and accept things were the way they were. But just the fact I can feel some anger is a good sign.

I’m angry because of all thing things I’ve lost in my life. I’m angry for the thousands and thousands of dollars I spent on treatment to deal with the hell my parents put me though. I’m angry because it just wasn’t fair. Life is rarely fair, but my childhood goes beyond the whiny “It’s not fair” things.

Okay. I need to go take some Ativan before I totally wig out. I’m still mostly all right, but I can feel the panic rearing its ugly head.

My story, Randomness

Kids

I sit there at recess and watch the kids playing.  I realize I have no idea what it means to be a kid.  It’s bizarre.  I try to remember playing in the sandbox or on the slides.  The only part of recess I can remember is hiding on the other side of the building so nobody would see me cry.  I used to beg my teachers to stay inside.  I hated trying to look normal.  I’d rather be branded as a geek or nerd than deal with the kid world.

There’s really no point to this whole entry…  just some random thoughts that have been going through my head.  Maybe part of it is me coming to grips with how different my life was.