Child Abuse, Emotions, Fears, PTSD, Therapy

Why?

This is some I wrote a few weekends ago.  I was waiting to go to Costco with some friends.  They had their karate class while I wrote.

April 12, 2008

Why is a question I haven’t been able to ask until just recently. It scared me too much. I didn’t want to think abou tit. Asking why makes me ask if it really was my fault.

Addressing the issue of blame requires me to consider that maybe, just maybe, it really wasn’t my fault.

I’ve heard so many people over the years tell me it wasn’t my fault. I’d argue vehemently with those people because it was so much easier to blame myself.

But now I think I’m ready to take a more objective look at my past. I’ve read the literature. I know all these things. I can tell them to other people who have had similar experiences. But I couldn’t apply it to my own life.

Wow, this is hard. It requires me to ditch my old ways of thinking. Change is rarely easy. There are always challenges to overcome.

So back to the topic of this entire post. Why? Why me? In some ways, it sounds like whining. “But God, why?” (said in a sing-song voice). However, I do think it’s a valid question and I think it’s a question that eventually needs to be addressed. Now that I think about it, asking why is one of the stages of grief.

I think it’s an issue I’m going to take slowly. I’ve been feeling stable (sort of) the last few days. My recent brush with suicidal thinking resolved itself more quickly than usual. A big part of it was the migraine I had. So I don’t want to send myself careening over an emotional ledge.

Somehow, just writing this has strangely cathartic. I need to start writing regularlly again. I got out of the habit and lost the benefit.

I also realize I didn’t really address the topic of the post. But I wanted to make a start. I need to do this in baby steps if possible.

Anxiety

Moving forward?

Jigsaw Analogy recently wrote an entry on “the pity party” some abuse survivors have.  I’ll first say that I totally agree with everything written in that entry.  However, it made me think.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m living in the past too much.  I wonder if I’m letting my fears limit me.  I wonder if I’m running away.

On the surface, it looks like I’m functioning well.  I’m working.  I’m paying my bills.  I’m living independently.  I have friends.  But deep down inside, I’m still the scared, insecure little girl I was 20 years ago.

Have I gotten too complacent and lazy?  Am I too afraid to tackle those remaining issues?  I have that book my last therapist copied, but I’ve yet to open it.  What is holding me back? Am I having my own version of a pity party?

Funny thing, about 10 days ago, I thought I was making progress. But now it seems like what I was thinking is even more of a pity party.  I’ve yet to post it, but it’s about asking “Why?”.

Thoughts?  Comments?  Feedback?  Swift kick in the ass?

Dreams, Emotions, Friends, Interesting stuff, Positive things, Randomness

5×5

Five topics. Five responses. Twenty-five things about me. Who is weird enough to want to know that much about me? Why, museditions is. What she’s thinking, I don’t know. Anyhow, she tagged me for a meme, so here it is.

As usual, the tagged are not obligated to participate. It’s not like I’m going to hunt you down and make you reveal your innermost secrets.

5 Things Found In Your Bag (this would be the bag I carry to work)

  • Two student textbooks (Smart Phonics 1 and English Land 1)
  • A journal (for those times when I just need to get my frustrations out)
  • A box of blank CDs (gotta have songs for work)
  • Hard copies of various docments that got wiped from the computer when they reinstalled Windows (gee, thanks for mentioning to us they weren’t even going to back up the big folder labeled “teachers”)
  • A Fedora 7 Live CD for when I really need to get work done at work and don’t want to use their virus infested computers (yes, 2 weeks after reinstalling Windows the computers are infested again)

5 Favorite Things In Your Room

  • My laptop
  • My guinea pig, Sparker
  • My brand new bed
  • My toaster oven
  • My books

5 Things You Have Always Wanted To Do

  • Write a real computer program (5 line shell scripts do not count)
  • Go to Europe
  • Play the guitar
  • Write music
  • Publish my poetry

5 Things You Are Currently Into

  • Computers
  • Almost any program on TV that is in English
  • Trying just to be myself
  • Cheese (no seriously, I went to Costco and bought a ginourmous block of cheese, it’s awesome)
  • Harry Potter

5 People You Want To Tag

Medication, Sleep

Halcion

Let’s just say I slept last night. A quarter of a milligram of Halcion put me out for almost 18 hours. I’ve never taken it before, and I’ve taken just about every sleep medication known to man.

I managed to drag myself out of bed about 2 PM. Food and showering helped wake me up. I had to buy a birthday gift, so I needed to get out. I wandered around old downtown for about 2 hours. I got the gift I needed plus some hair clips and a pair of sunglasses.

The doctor gave me two doses of the Halcion. Trust me, I won’t be taking it on a night when I have to go to work the next day and I’ll be splitting the dose the next time I take it.

It did feel good to sleep though. It was that blessed, dreamless, deep sleep. It was the kind of sleep I really needed to recharge my batteries. Hopefully I’ll get another good night’s sleep tonight. And hopefully I’ll be ready to face the work week on Monday.

Depression, Emotions, Randomness, Sleep, Venting

Sigh

I had a horrible day today.  A big part of it is sleep deprivation again.  I’m finding when the insomnia hits, so do the migraines.  I blame part of the sleep problems on my bed.  Up until last night I was sleeping on what amounted to a mattress and box spring combined into one mounted on four legs.  About 6 months ago, the springs in it started to pop.  So I ended up sleeping in a depression with no support for my back.  Yesterday the nice little delivery men brought my new bed.  At least it’s a proper bed this time with a frame and everything.  Unfortunately, I think my floor might be softer than the mattress.  I’m going to look at the store tomorrow to see what sort of solution I can come up with.  I certainly didn’t get much sleep last night.

I was short with the kids all day.  I’m really tired of singing “C is for Cookie”.  Now I have classes requesting it.  I ripped into a first grader for acting like a 3 year in class.  Usually I just ignore him.  But I couldn’t stand it anymore.  I ripped into two second graders in another class because they had no idea what the homework I had just assigned was.  On the way back to my office after that class, I tripped on the steps, landed on top of my basket (we tote our books and stuff around in big plastic baskets), broke it and bruiseded my wrist.

I walked into my office and broke down in tears.  The other foreign teachers thought I had really hurt myself.  I didn’t.  It was the culmination of everything.

I so need to sleep.  Tomorrow night, I’m totally drugging myself with Ativan.  If I sleep through Saturday, oh well.  At least I’ll get some sleep.  And I will stay at the store long enough tomorrow night to get something to put down on my mattress so I don’t bruise.

Anxiety

Almost there

I’ve got a new blog post ready to go. Well sort of. It’s written out in a little book and I need to type it up. I’ve not forgotten this blog. I’ve just been busy and slightly unmotivated.

And just because I have nothing better to say, I’ll leave you with some Lolcats.

humorous pictures
see more crazy cat pics

Humorous Pictures
see more crazy cat pics

Anxiety

blah

Just testing the image uploading features.

Yup.  It appears to work.

And now I want a chocolate chip cookie.  Homemade, gooey ones, fresh out of the oven.

Depression, Randomness, Sleep

Of headaches and sleep and technology

I have a migraine.  It isn’t going away.  I’ve tried drugging myself with Imitrex.  I’ve tried drugging myself with Motrin.  I’ve tried drugging myself with Ativan.

On top of it, I’m sleep deprived.  I’ve got a wonderful bout of insomnia going on right now.  I finally got back to sleep about 8:00 this morning.  And then my cell phone decided it would be a good idea to do my usual M-F wake up call.  What the fuck!  It’s Saturday.  And no I didn’t change it to have the call come on Saturday.  And yes, the phone is still set to send the call M-F.  Technology hates me.

My old Windows laptop died last night.  I knew it’s death was coming.  I expected the processor to fry itself.  But it seems that the place where the power goes into the motherboard is toast.  So now I’ll throw it in the closet and rip out the hard drive when I get a chance.  On the plus side, it frees up that outlet in my power converter so now I can plug in my external hard drive.  Now I have no excuse for not figuring out how to run automatic backups.

There’s really no point to this post.  I just wanted to see the new interface in the dashboard.

I’m thinking maybe sleep would be a good idea.  Maybe if I bury my head under a pillow the light will stop causing my head to pound.  Or maybe puking my guts out would help.  I don’t know.