I’ve been meaning to post this for the last few days, but life has gotten in the way. Let’s just say things are insane at work and are only going to get more insane. Although, it’s not as bad as it could be. When I saw the tentative schedule last week, I was scheduled to teach 8 afternoon classes, but it turns out I only got 6 (mainly because I can be in only one place at once). Next week our morning schedule goes back to normal plus I get to be a homeroom teacher too (so much for that blessed 5 minutes where we got to sit down).
So I had a dream the other night. It wasn’t my typical nightmare either. It’s the first good dream I’ve had in an extremely long time.
Austin and I were playing at the house where I grew up. Her animals were there. My guinea pig, Sparkler, was there as was my long departed kitty Jeepers and Parquet, the kitty my family took in. There was also a stray cat we were playing with. None of our parents were anywhere around. We had a blast running through the house and the yard. The animals were being nuts-so as only awesome pets can be. I remember sitting under the huge cottonwood trees and talking for what seemed like hours. In the dream we were normal, everyday kids doing normal, everyday kid stuff.
It really was a refreshing change from the nightmares I’ve been having. I’ve been writing them down in my private blog, but I haven’t felt strong enough to share them here. They involve some new memories that I wish I could forget.
I’m still extremely tired and run down. I’m just getting over a cold that one of my co-workers so generously shared with me and at least one other teacher. I taught 8 consecutive classes this afternoon. I didn’t sit down between 1:50 and 5:10. And the vast majority of the classes are with students who are either new to the school or new to me. My head is spinning trying to learn names and deal with the fact that they upped the class size from 12 to 15. I’m hoping to catch a nap tomorrow morning. Right now, the 7 year old classes aren’t meeting because those kids moved up from the preschool to the elementary level. We all switched our remaining classes around so we didn’t have to sit around all morning and twiddle our thumbs. So I teach 9:40-10:35 the rest of this week and then I’m off until 2:15 (well, Tuesdays I start at 1:50). So I figure I can fit in a solid 2 hour nap no problem. My to-do list is starting to look like a short novel. I suppose I should at least make a start on the letter to the preschool parents. I don’t know why I get to write it. It’s not like the majority of those parents know a lick of English…
Sparks is doing well. She goes nuts when I drop oranges into her cage. I’ll have to appropriate some more from work tomorrow (they put out huge bowls of them in one of the work rooms).
The two of us had a nice chat earlier this evening. I worked out some stuff that was running through my head. Even if she is just a little guinea pig, she’s a good listener. And sometimes that’s all we need.
And I also got some pictures.
A new member has joined the KatM household. I’d like to introduce you to Sparkler. I call her Sparks or Sparkey for short. She’s a little guinea pig. She’s all white except the brown patch on one eye and the black patch on the other. I’ve discovered that oranges make her very happy. She’s not so crazy about spinach though. Once she comes out of her hidey hole, I’ll get a picture up.
I’ve only had her a little more than a day, but I can’t imagine life without her. I sit and talk to her and she chats right back.
I feel like a kid, but in a good way this time.
depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous
Sorry I was “off the air” for a few days. I was feeling a bit too exposed. I needed to step back and regroup.
I’m still pretty emotionally fragile, but I think I’m moving in the right direction.
Jealousy. The Green Eyed Monster. Envy. Whatever you want to call it. I’ve been experiencing it.
I recently found out that my Linux tutor and his wife are looking to adopt. I should be happy for this baby (when they do finally adopt). He/she will grow up in a loving home, with loving parents rather than possibly being abused and/or neglected and/or unwanted and/or unloved. But I’m not happy for him/her. I’m insanely jealous. These are some of the strongest emotions I’ve felt in a very long time. And as much as I want to, I’m not having a whole lot of luck stuffing them back down. I know stuffing them isn’t a good thing. But I feel like such a crappy person being jealous of a baby who will grow up with good parents.
What does that say about me as a person?
I have all the confidence in the world that Eric will make a great father. He’s been nothing but patient, kind and encouraging when interacting with me. He seems genuinely happy when I succeed at doing something that I couldn’t do before. He’s concerned if he doesn’t hear from me in a while. They’re all traits that I imagine a good father would have.
The more jealous I feel the angrier I get with myself. The angrier I get with myself the more depressed and anxious I get. I’m writing this as a way to try to start working through the jealousy.
It scares me to think about what a horrible person this must make me. This goes against everything every single Sunday School and PSR teacher taught me growing up.
Yes, that would be 98/100.
Or should that be “When it snows, it blizzards”?
I thought I was doing slightly better. Then yesterday rolled around. Doesn’t help that I developed a yeast infection on top of everything else. I had a panic attack at work. Thankfully it was on a break and not during the middle of a class. The principal was driving all the Korean teachers nuts and in turn the Korean teachers were driving to foreign teachers nuts. We had new student orientation today and that just sent everyone into a tizzy. Speaking of which, working on a Saturday morning just sucks. Having to be peppier and happier than usual (don’t want the new parents to think we’re not having fun) sucks. Put them together and you get major suckage.
After orientation (which went as well as could be expected) I went to LotteMart to do my errands. I wanted to have lunch at TGIFridays. I walked out of there with my meal half eaten because it was just too crowded and noisy. Then I want to the doctors where I had to explain to him why I could do the vaginal yeast infection medicine. On the other hand, I managed to look relatively normal so I didn’t get questioned about my mood. Which was a good thing because I was in no mood to tell him how I was really feeling. I may try going back up to 100 mg on the Zoloft. I had tried that and felt too wired so I cut it to 75 mg. We’ll see. Then I tried to do my grocery shopping. Bad idea. It seems like at least every other week I end up walking out of the store because I just can’t handle the sensory stimulation. It’s frustrating. I just want to be normal. I just want to be able to get my stuff done.
So I guess I’m headed for another early morning trip to HomePlus tomorrow. Hopefully if I get there early enough I won’t hit the weekend before Lunar New Year crowds.
Oh and then there’s my new mouse. My old one is dying. Could be something to do with the fact one of my students dropped it on the floor last week. I’m not complaining because it’s an el-cheapo mouse that I dug out of my brother’s spare parts box when the scroll wheel on my old one died. So I did manage to buy a new mouse today at LotteMart. I only managed because the electronics section is separate from the rest of the store and usually a bit quieter. I get my mouse home and take it out of the package. I swear I had bought a USB mouse. But no, it’s a PS/2 mouse. Crap. My computer doesn’t even have a serial port. I only paid about 5 bucks for it, so no big loss. But hell, I swear it was USB. So I’ll pick up another mouse tomorrow. Oh and to top it off, the mp3 player I wanted was out of stock. It was a 6GB iRiver for roughly $150. Compared to some of the other players it was a pretty good deal.
Only good thing coming up is the fact that I only have to work two days next week. I have stuff I want to get done (mostly some programming and compiling) but I’m not banking on it.