I ended up going to the doctors a week ago. I was having allergy symptoms and over night I started seeing signs of having a sinus infection. I’m not one to take those things lightly. They tend to migrate to my chest. Give my bought with pneumonia this summer, I really don’t want to tempt the fates on this one.
Because the symptoms had just started, he wanted to wait a few days before prescribing antibiotics. So he put me on a decongestant and some other stuff for 3 days. I went back last Wednesday as he asked and because I was no better, he put me on another 3 days of that stuff plus an antibiotic. He asked if I was eating and sleeping OK. He wanted to make sure I kept my strength up. I had to be honest with him. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in quite a while, nor have I been eating much. He asked why. So I told him that I had seen my general mood slip downhill for the last few weeks. He asked if I had ever had problems with depression in the past. So of course I told him that it had been a part of my life dating back to early childhood. Like the good doctor he asked about suicidal ideation. I wasn’t completely honest there. Yes, I’ve been having both SI urges and suicidal thoughts. I won’t act on them (at least at the moment) so I don’t see any need to tell the doctor. And yes, I promise, if they get to the point where I think I would actually act on them, I’ll tell the doctor.
So basically now the doctor asked me to think about going back on meds. For the moment, I’m to keep a mood diary. I saw him again yesterday because he wanted to follow up on the sinus infection. He gave me another 4 days of antibiotics and told me to come back on Wednesday. It’s been so rough the past few weeks, I really think I’m just going to break down and ask him to prescribe an antidepressant when I see him on Wednesday.
If this drop in mood had been sudden, I’d be more inclined to think I’d “snap out out of it”. But it isn’t. It’s been going on for a while now. And it’s getting into late fall/winter. My mood usually takes a nose dive this time of the year. I don’t know if it’s necessarily SAD, but the fact it’s getting close to the holidays doesn’t help.
All I know is that I’m tired. I’m not only physically tired (the whole not sleeping thing), but I’m emotionally exhausted. I’m tired of fighting against my mind. I’m tired of fighting against my memories. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth the fight anymore. But I keep on trying.