Just blah

Standard

This is today’s Peanuts. And, well, it pretty well sums up everything.

I just feel so blah. Nothing gets me excited. I used to get joy out of learning or figuring out something new to do with my computer. And I just learned something new this past week. I actually got it working late last night. I should be excited. I should be happy. I should be proud of myself. My tutor didn’t do nearly as much hand holding as he has in the past. This time he gave me an example and told me to write my own configuration file. I did and it didn’t work right the first time. Nothing bad happened. Well, nothing disastrous that would require reinstalling the entire operating system. I did lose a couple hours of logging messages. But when I emailed my tutor back, he just said look at the shared scripts section of the example. He then pushed me out of the nest to go do it on my own (I was half hoping he’d fix it for me). So I went and fixed what was wrong. At least I think I fixed it. I’ll know at about 4 AM if what I did fixed things. Oh, and if you want a certain feature to actually function, it’s a good idea to actually spell the command for said feature correctly in the configuration file.

Work is the same way. I go to class. I drill the preschoolers on their songs and poems and plays. I go to lunch. I come back and drill some more. I take a quick break and then I start teaching again. I teach all sorts of math. We played a game (math basketball) in one of my classes today. It should have been a lot of fun. At least the kids seemed to have fun. I didn’t. I just wanted the class to end because that meant that I was one class closer to being finished for the day.

But what do I do at the end of the day? I come home, make dinner and veg out in front of the TV or on the computer. I know I should go out and experience the city some. It’s not like I live in the middle of nowhere. I live in a fairly large urban area. But getting out in public is so overwhelming right now. Grocery shopping is a major chore. It’s been so hard, I’ve skipped it the last two weeks and have picked up bread, milk and eggs at the little tiny shop across the street from my apartment.

The lack of groceries in the house hasn’t been so bad because I basically don’t have an appetite. I get a bottle of vitamin drink in the mornings before work and that’s breakfast. I half heartedly eat lunch at work. If it smells really bad, I close the door to the teachers’ offices and just sit in the dark. Dinner is hit or miss. Sometimes it’s toast. Sometimes I’ll cook some frozen fish or whatever. I must be losing weight because one of my students said something to me about it the other day.

I’m tired. Plain and simple. I’m tired. It’s to the point where I’m thinking about going to the doctors and seeing if I can get back on an antidepressant of some kind. I’ve always told myself that going back on meds wouldn’t be the end of the world. I’ve been lucky to make it almost two years without them. But it’s all talk. Because it really does feel like a failure. Like I said, it’s just an idea I’m entertaining. I’d have to figure out what time the clinic opens. I could go before work if it opens before 9 AM. Otherwise, the only day I really have enough time to do it is on Wednesday afternoon. And even then, it might be cutting things close. I only have an hour between finishing my preschool classes and starting my elementary ones (I usually only have 10 minutes).

I’d really kill for a decent nights sleep. I toss and I turn. I have nightmares. When I’m not having nightmares, I wake up with my heart racing and every nerve standing on edge. And that’s pretty much it. I’m up for at least an hour while I try to convince myself that everything is really OK. That nothing bad has happened in the last 30 minutes nor will anything bad happen in the next 30 minutes.

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

5 responses »

  1. K, I imagine the sleep loss is a big part of the blah. Getting through the day is tough even in good circumstances but the sleep loss (and whatever is behind it) certainly makes it more difficult.

    I hope the clinic is helpful. You’re without therapy as well as without meds at the moment, right? I hope one or the other can be arranged if it would be helpful.

  2. I totally get the medication = failure equation. I fought it with panic attacks, but like you, when I reached a certain point of nonfunctionality I was forced to reevaluate (what am I trying to prove, and to whom?). I still feel as if I’ve lost somehow since I take meds. It’s stupid. If I had a physical illness that necessitated medication, I would not feel like a failure. Anyway, I hope you find a solution or spontaneously start to feel better!

  3. I seem to be writing this a lot lately to so many different people. Everyone seems to be feeling so down and out of sorts these last couple of months. I don’t know whether it’s the weather or what, but everyone seems to be feeling it. I’ve suffered, too. Luckily, I suddenly found myself feeling better but I was seriously considering meds for the first time to help with my anxiety – and that’s huge for me cos I refuse to take medication unless it’s a do-or-die situation.

    I hope you feel better soon, I really do. Apathy is one of the worst feelings because you literally have no energy to pull yourself up out of your bad funk.

  4. Tell tell signs of depression for sure. But it also sounds like you’re lacking a real challenge. The things you talked about challenged you before, gave you a drive. With the computer stuff you really had to concentrate, went in unsure of yourself but now you’ve figured things out and can go in and write your own files without “hand holding.” The same level of challenge isn’t there anymore. And since there are so many triggers at work you may go in numb as a way of protecting yourself. But still, I see the two as signs of depression. I think it’s a good idea to get out and about.

    Austin

  5. we have been fighting the same blahs ourselves, so we cannot offer any advice, but we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers,

    peace and blessings

    keepers

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