I can feel him inside of me. And it feels like he’s on top of me. I can’t breathe. He’s so big. He’s so heavy. My chest hurts. His hands are there. He won’t stop. I’m begging. I’m crying. Please stop. He won’t listen. He just keeps on doing it. He whispers in my ear that I had better stop crying or I’ll really get it. Please, beat me. That can’t hurt as bad as this does. Beat me like I deserve.
He’s coming to get me. Please don’t come in here. God! I promise I’ll be a good girl. I’ll clean my room. I’ll do whatever they want. Please don’t let him come in here. Why won’t somebody protect me? Where is everybody? Why don’t you hear me God! I thought you were supposed to listen. You must not hear. I must be so bad and evil that even you don’t love me. All those teachers lied to me. You don’t love me. Probably because I don’t deserve Your love. I guess that means I’m all alone. But it doesn’t really matter.
He’s got me pinned down on the bed. I can’t move. He keeps saying you had better never tell anyone. And now I’m telling. Something bad is going to happen. He’ll find out some how. I’ll be in so much trouble.
He can’t decide what to do to me. He starts and then he stops. Stomach. Back. I don’t know what is going on.
Please. Just do it already. Then I can go to sleep. Maybe. Or maybe not. If I stay awake, I’ll know when he’s coming this way.
He’s on top of me again. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. He’s shaking me now. I think I accidentally bit him. I couldn’t get any air. My head hurts. My neck hurts. Why is he doing this to me? I’m so sorry for being such a bad girl. Give me another chance. I’ll behave. You can do whatever you want. I promise I’ll be good. Please just don’t hurt me. Please, I’m begging you.
He left the room. But I can tell he is angry. Is he angry with me? What did I do? I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep. I have to stay awake. But I’m so sleepy… No I have to fight it. If I’m awake he… I don’t know what will happen to me. But at least I’ll know it’s coming.
No. Nothing he does hurts me. I’m not there. If I don’t think about it, it won’t be there. It’s not really happening. This isn’t real. Nothing is real. It’s happening to somebody else, anybody else. I’m not here. Where’s that rose garden again? It’s filled with beautiful white roses that never seem to die. The sky is always blue. The grass is always green. And there’s nobody there except me. Nothing can ever hurt me in that rose garden.
The pain just won’t stop. Sitting doesn’t help. Laying down doesn’t help. Why does it have to hurt so badly? I can feel his fingers in me. I can feel him shaking me. My whole body hurts now.
I am getting dizzy. I must be hyperventilating. But it feels like I can’t breathe. I just can’t calm down. The pain is still so intense. I don’t know how much longer I can make it. I’m so tired. I’m physically tired. I’m mentally tired. But my mind keeps going. There’s no end to this.
The images. I can’t stop them. I’m so scared. I can’t get them out of my mind. My father’s face. My grandfather’s face. My other grandmother’s eyes. I’m such a bad girl. Like Grandpa M told me, I’m filled with the devil. I’m a bad girl for lying. I must deserve this. It’s my punishment. The pain. It’s a beating that will never really end.