Rough time

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I can feel him inside of me. And it feels like he’s on top of me. I can’t breathe. He’s so big. He’s so heavy. My chest hurts. His hands are there. He won’t stop. I’m begging. I’m crying. Please stop. He won’t listen. He just keeps on doing it. He whispers in my ear that I had better stop crying or I’ll really get it. Please, beat me. That can’t hurt as bad as this does. Beat me like I deserve.

He’s coming to get me. Please don’t come in here. God! I promise I’ll be a good girl. I’ll clean my room. I’ll do whatever they want. Please don’t let him come in here. Why won’t somebody protect me? Where is everybody? Why don’t you hear me God! I thought you were supposed to listen. You must not hear. I must be so bad and evil that even you don’t love me. All those teachers lied to me. You don’t love me. Probably because I don’t deserve Your love. I guess that means I’m all alone. But it doesn’t really matter.

He’s got me pinned down on the bed. I can’t move. He keeps saying you had better never tell anyone. And now I’m telling. Something bad is going to happen. He’ll find out some how. I’ll be in so much trouble.

He can’t decide what to do to me. He starts and then he stops. Stomach. Back. I don’t know what is going on.

Please. Just do it already. Then I can go to sleep. Maybe. Or maybe not. If I stay awake, I’ll know when he’s coming this way.

He’s on top of me again. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. He’s shaking me now. I think I accidentally bit him. I couldn’t get any air. My head hurts. My neck hurts. Why is he doing this to me? I’m so sorry for being such a bad girl. Give me another chance. I’ll behave. You can do whatever you want. I promise I’ll be good. Please just don’t hurt me. Please, I’m begging you.

He left the room. But I can tell he is angry. Is he angry with me? What did I do? I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep. I have to stay awake. But I’m so sleepy… No I have to fight it. If I’m awake he… I don’t know what will happen to me. But at least I’ll know it’s coming.

No. Nothing he does hurts me. I’m not there. If I don’t think about it, it won’t be there. It’s not really happening. This isn’t real. Nothing is real. It’s happening to somebody else, anybody else. I’m not here. Where’s that rose garden again? It’s filled with beautiful white roses that never seem to die. The sky is always blue. The grass is always green. And there’s nobody there except me. Nothing can ever hurt me in that rose garden.

The pain just won’t stop. Sitting doesn’t help. Laying down doesn’t help. Why does it have to hurt so badly? I can feel his fingers in me. I can feel him shaking me. My whole body hurts now.

I am getting dizzy. I must be hyperventilating. But it feels like I can’t breathe. I just can’t calm down. The pain is still so intense. I don’t know how much longer I can make it. I’m so tired. I’m physically tired. I’m mentally tired. But my mind keeps going. There’s no end to this.

The images. I can’t stop them. I’m so scared. I can’t get them out of my mind. My father’s face. My grandfather’s face. My other grandmother’s eyes. I’m such a bad girl. Like Grandpa M told me, I’m filled with the devil. I’m a bad girl for lying. I must deserve this. It’s my punishment. The pain. It’s a beating that will never really end.

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

11 responses »

  1. THEY lied to you Kathryn.
    THEY stole from you.
    But they didn’t rob you of your kind gentle nature.
    THEY couldn’t keep you from telling.
    YOU won.
    I’m sorry you felt abandoned by God, the fact is, those that should have protected you, abandoned you.
    I’m just so very sorry,
    terribly sorry

    Bastards they are.

  2. no Kathryn it’s not you.
    it’s him. them. they are bad. they’re the ones who are wrong.

    not you. not us.

    i’m so sorry you’re reliving this and i’m sorry you lived it the first time. you are not alone now. and you will not be punished for saving yourself.

    lots of love,
    ae

  3. I will pray the prayer Marcy has asked for. May you feel Gods strength and love for you.
    Prayers are with you Kathryn, and many, many safe hugs.

  4. you did nothing wrong! you did not deserve to be hurt like that or any other way! you are not evil or bad, they are! god’s heart was breaking when they were hurting you. our heart was breaking as we read your pain. you deserve gentle and safe hugs and protection from people like that, that is what you deserve.

    peace and blessings

    (((((katm)))))

    keepers

  5. Our hearts break for you as we read your post… justice will come, as God is a just God. He is storing His wrath for the Day of Justice. I know this pain is so prevalent, so here, so consuming, but God is watching. He does not always stop tragedy from occurring, but He always points us to the future hope we have. Jesus Christ died to make a way out of the hell sin has made this world. Without Christ, we would have no hope. Believe what Jesus has said. He will carry you. He can give you strength to endure. Remember, He will one day avenge this wrong with absolute justice, and He will embrace you forever in His arms – if you trust Him. He is a father to the fatherless. He will make all things right in time.

    Our own lives are filled with the ravaged pieces of relationships and heartache, yet God has strengthened us with hope that only comes from Him… a certainty the what He created this world to be, and US to be (a pure reflection of Him), He will restore at the end of all things. It will bring an end to this present darkness. Please look us up if we can do anything… jaredandloni.wordpress.com

  6. I hear you.

    It feels so much safer to conclude the badness is in you — to turn everything inward. But you know that’s not the truth. You did nothing worthy of such abuse. It was not God’s punishment or rejection of you. (Yes, there is sin in all of us, me and you too, but your sin did not earn you this abuse — Jesus took sin on the Cross for you.) I don’t know why he allowed it to happen, but I do know that he wasn’t missing, he wasn’t laughing, playing voyeur, or anything like that. He will avenge you.

    Lord Jesus, please give K a respite from this flood of images and memories; please show her the center, the groundedness, the Rock that is steady and safe in the midst of all storms. And more than anything else, tell her, show her, how tenderly and safely you love her.

  7. hello finding light in the darkness,

    I selected your blog at random and read your latest entry…

    I appreciate the fact that you call yourself a survivor and though I have never personally gone through what you have, I would hope I had the courage that you have shown.

    in the meantime, I hope you can recover from your experience to live and enjoy life to it’s fullest potential. It sounds like you may be on your way…

    here’s wishing you the best.

    peace.

  8. Am still prayin for ya…

    It does get better–there is healing–it may seem like forever, but keep pressing forward…

  9. I don’t even know what to say.

    I really appreciate all the thoughts and prayers.

    I’m just so tired. Going to work right now is like torture. Seeing all the kids. Having to act like all is perfect in my world. When all I really want to do is curl up in a ball and slice the hell out of my body. Of course, neither are options. And maybe that’s a good thing.

    *sigh*

    What’s the point anymore?

  10. Jesus said, will you leave me, too? Peter answered, Where will we go? You have the words of life.

    When chaos and emptiness and pointlessness strike me, it’s usually a defense against too much emotion, as well as a sign that I’ve wandered from God.

    If that’s true for you, too, sit at the feet of Jesus as much as you can, and aim your burdens in his direction.

    This too will pass, and your eyes will again see goodness and life.

    I know how much something like what I’ve written can sound dismissive or oversimplistic. I don’t mean it that way.

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