Interesting stuff, Positive things

Serach Terms

It’s been a while since I talked about the search terms that bring people here. Many of them are people looking for information on rape and sexual abuse. I’m glad to know that people are stumbling into my blog and I hope it has been helpful for them.

I’ve gotten a lot of hits (at one point I was getting one or two a day) for “Alyssa Lies”. I hope that after reading my blog, those people understand the song a little bit better.

In the last week, I’ve been getting a bunch of hits from people doing various computer related searches.

  • initrd kernel for ubuntu 7.04

I wish I could help you with this one. I’m still not sure what initrd is.

  • dev/sda1 boot vista fedora

Just make sure you really mean sda, not hda and get thee into grub to fine tune your bootloader.

  • best partitioning scheme ubuntu vista

Vista has to be installed on a NTSF partition. If you have any data you want to share with your Ubuntu install, you’ll need a data partition formatted as FAT32. Don’t forget your swap and temp partitions. You’ll need to make your last primary partition an extended one so you can get around the 4 primary partition limit.

  • can’t boot fc7 kernel

I feel your pain. Is grub being a bad boy again? Or is your kernel bad? You did back up a working kernel, right?

  • vista fc7 bootloader

Go forth and whip grub into submission. It can be done. You have the power!

  • vista boot fc7

Yes. It’s possible. Just get grub to be a good boy.

  • grub.conf ubuntu 7.04

If you’re just booting Ubuntu, then don’t worry too much about grub. Now if you want Windows or another Linux distro along with Ubuntu, then you have to make sure grub behaves.

  • triple boot vista xp and ubuntu 7.04

It can be done in theory. My XP installer didn’t like my hard drive so I gave up. Grub is your friend. A slightly dysfunctional friend that will drive you insane. But your friend, none the less.

  • ubuntu play m4a

mplayer is a lovely thing. It’ll play almost anything you throw at it. You have to build it yourself. Make sure you have gcc and g++ installed from the developer tools. Then it’s just configure, make, make install. Let it grind away for a bit and then bingo. Oh yes. Having the right codecs helps too.

I’m sure these poor folks got the shock of their life when they saw my severe lack of knowledge (and the general whining nature of my posts). And they were probably even more shocked if they read anything else on the blog.

To all those looking for Linux help, I have always thought the forums at are a treasure trove of wisdom. And the folks there seem pretty nice to noobs as well. As usual, Google is your friend. And having your own personal Linux guru doesn’t hurt things either. In fact it may make your life a hell of a lot easier. Extra points if your guru actually lives on the same continent as you do.

Inner Child, Positive things, Therapy

Another introduction


I forgot to let everyone know that I picked a name for Tedders’ friend.

I’d like to introduce to you,


(courtesy of Austin)

Twix Bars are probably one of my favorite chocolate treats. The whole crunch, chewy, richness makes me a happy camper. I must see if they sell them at Lotte Mart.

Emotions, Positive things


GRUB has been whipped into submission. I now have a fully functional, triple booting laptop.

It was hard getting to this point. Typos are the worst. But I found one on my own and my tutor found the other one.

For the curious, my grub.conf looks like this. I removed my name for privacy.

# grub.conf generated by anaconda
# Modified by KatM
# August 27, 2007
# To triple boot Vista, Ubuntu 7.04 and Fedora Core 7 (Quiet and Verbose)
# Note that you do not have to rerun grub after making changes to this file
# NOTICE: You do not have a /boot partition. This means that
# all kernel and initrd paths are relative to /, eg.
# root (hd0,5)
# kernel /boot/vmlinuz-version ro root=/dev/sda6
# initrd /boot/initrd- version.img
title Fedora Core 7 – QUIET
root (hd0,5)
kernel /boot/vmlinuz-2.6.21-1.3194.fc7 ro root=LABEL=/ rhgb quiet
initrd /boot/initrd-2.6.21-1.3194.fc7.img
title Fedora Core 7 – VERBOSE
root (hd0,5)
kernel /boot/vmlinuz- 2.6.21-1.3194.fc7 ro root=LABEL=/ rhgb
initrd /boot/initrd-2.6.21-1.3194.fc7.img
title Ubuntu 7.04 – QUIET
root (hd0,4)
kernel /boot/vmlinuz-2.6.20-15-generic ro root=/dev/sda5 quiet
initrd /boot/initrd.img- 2.6.20-15-generic
title Ubuntu 7.04 – VERBOSE
root (hd0,4)
kernel /boot/vmlinuz-2.6.20-15-generic ro root=/dev/sda5
initrd /boot/initrd.img-2.6.20-15-generic
title Vista
rootnoverify (hd0,0)
chainloader +1

Anxiety, Emotions

Gotta love computers

I wasn’t happy with just having my laptop dual booting between Ubuntu and Vista. Nah. I had given up on the XP/Vista/Ubuntu triple boot idea mostly because the XP Pro CD I have doesn’t have the right drivers for my SCSI hard drive.

In working through the terminal stuff with Eric, he sort of turned me onto the idea of trying Fedora Core. So we came up with a partitioning scheme that will allow me to triple boot among Vista, Ubuntu and Fedora Core 7.

The partitioning was the easy part. Once I remembered that I had to reboot after wiping out the last three of the four partitions I already had setup, it went flawlessly.

For the curious, my partition table looks like:

  • /dev/sda1 — Vista
  • /dev/sda2 — Shared data
  • /dev/sda3 — Swap
  • /dev/sda4 — An extended partition containing…
    • /dev/sda5 — Ubuntu 7.04
    • /dev/sda6 — Fedora Core 7
    • /dev/sda7 — /home
    • /dev/sda8 — /tmp

So now I’m at the point where I’m ready to scream. My first attempt was a failure. I didn’t pay attention to the GRUB (bootloader) screens when I installed Fedora so I ended up not being able to boot into Ubuntu. Thankfully I was still able to get into Windows.

After consulting with Eric, I decided the easiest thing to do was reinstall Fedora and add Ubuntu into GRUB. So I did that.

Failure again. Although I now have the option of booting into Ubuntu, I still can’t because it throws an error at me. But again, at least I can still get into Windows.

So now I’m off to try to mount my Ubuntu partition in Fedora through some CLI magic (and it really is magic to me) and then find the names of vmlinux and initrd (whatever those might be).

Anxiety, Child Abuse, Emotions, Fears, My story, PTSD

Terror in the CT

It sounds like the title of a very bad B movie. I could only wish it were that. But the title totally captures last Monday morning.

The doctor decided he needed a chest CT to rule out “other things”. Don’t ask what “other things” might have been. It’s a question I didn’t even want to ponder. Yes. Call me Cleopatra. I’m the queen of denial.

So Sunday night, the nurse tells me nothing to eat or drink from midnight on. Okay… that freaked me out just a bit. A CT really is nothing more than an over-glorified x-ray. Next morning, they put in another IV port. Okay.. An over-glorified x-ray I kept telling myself.

So about 10:00 AM I walk down to radiology. The nice tech makes me lie down on the table. He then starts by putting a strap across my middle. Okay. I won’t fall. I promise. But better safe than sorry I guess. He then puts another one across my thighs. I feel the anxiety beginning to rise. I don’t like to be tied down. I was doing my best to try to breathe. Not an easy feat lying down when you can’t breathe sitting up. Then he puts another strap across my knees. And then another one across my ankles. Not good at all. I was almost to the point of panic. I just kept trying to tell myself that nothing bad would happen.

He then takes my arms and stretches them up over my head. Each wrist gets a strap as does each elbow. I swear I thought I was on some medieval torture device. At that point, I was doing my best not to scream.

He then starts the CT. It probably took five minutes tops. But it certainly felt like an eternity. At this point I’m thinking (sort of in the back of my mind) why the IV port. I wish I had never found out.

He brings out this contraption, the likes of which I’ve never seen before. He unties the hand with the IV port in it. He plugs me into whatever this machine was and straps my arm down again. I still don’t know what it pumped into my body, and I have a feeling I don’t ever want to know. He then says “pain”. All I could do was nod that I understood. I was already freaked out. And now he’s telling me “pain”. Great. Just freaking great.

He wasn’t lying about the pain part either. I thought my body was burning from the inside out. I’m not sure how long the second scan took. I don’t remember any of it aside from those first few seconds of burning. I don’t know where I went. And I really don’t want to know.

The next thing I remember I was back in bed and crying. A very nice nurse had given me an injection of some sort of benzo a few minutes before and was trying to calm me down. At least she pulled the curtains around my bed so the 4 Korean grandmothers in the room couldn’t see me.

I couldn’t tell this poor nurse what was wrong because we had about six words in common that were useful. And even if I could have told her, I was too ashamed to do so. I was ashamed of my reaction then and there as well as ashamed of the flashback.

For whatever reason, this is the one memory from growing up that I have yet to write down any place. And in all the hours of therapy, I’ve never shared it either. I don’t know why. It isn’t any “worse” than any of the other incidents from my childhood. I just don’t know why I can’t bring myself to write it down.

Emotions, Positive things

Back home

Just a quick note to say I’m back home.

After 10 days of IV antibiotics the doctor judged my chest sufficiently better enough to let me go.  That’s not to say everything is hunky dory.  I have to go back on Thursday for a follow up.  Hopefully my lungs will behave and have improved even more.

I swear if I see a tray with rice, soup and kimchi on it any time soon, I’ll scream.  Ten days times three meals a day is a hell of a lot of rice.

On a related note, I had some really bad flashbacks/dissociation while having a CT done last Monday.  I wrote a blog entry on paper (so I guess that makes it a journal entry) but I’m too tired to type it up tonight.

I’m off to bed to try to get some sleep.

Anxiety, Depression, Self Injury, Sleep, Suicide

Not tonight


I’m really sick again. The renovations at the school are seriously screwing with my lungs.

I went back to the doctors yesterday. Chest film and everything. Non-spehific changes is what he told me yesterday.  I don’t know what that meant. The doctor didn’t speak enough English for me to find out. Stuck an IV in with steroids and antibiotics. Then he sent me home with a script for more of the same. Higher dosage of steroids than last time.

Went back again today with one of the Korean teachers to translate.  I have to go to a bigger hospital tomorrow.  Doctor at the small local one is concerned that I may have pneumonia.  Great.  Just freaking great.

My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I’m coughing up both lungs. My anxiety level is through the roof. My moods are shifting faster than I know what to do. I’m bouncing between depression, anxiety, si thoughts and suicidal thoughts. I know its the steroids. They do this to me all the time at high doses. But I know I’ll end up in the hospital without them. It’s all I can do to breathe right now.

The anxiety is horrible. I can’t even fall back on my breathing exercises because I can’t get a deep breath from being sick.

This is making no sense right now. I should probably not post it.

I’m so hot. I hate these stupid side effects. You’d think having the a/c set on 18C would be sufficient. I’d go stand under a cold shower, but the thought of getting in the shower right now is just too much to handle.

Can’t go for a walk. It’s the middle of the night. There’s no place to go in the apartment. It’s one room.


The Ativan I took isn’t helping. I’m just feeling loopy from that combined with the codeine in the cough medicine. Probably not the best of ideas to take them together. I didn’t think. Not enough to do any harm. Just enough to make me loopy.




Being sick sucks.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Turns out both ears are infected, I have bronchitis and a sinus infection to top it off.

He gave me a prescription for an antibiotic, a cough suppressant (with codeine), a steroid, a bronchodilator, a decongestant and an antihistamine.

Steroids make me bitchy, to put it mildly, on top of other fun side effects.  The codeine is making me loopy.  The bronchodilator gets me all hyper.  So I’m feeling rather crazy right now.

It’s 1 AM and I don’t really want to sleep because of all the medication plus having slept way too much all of this week.

This is not how I envisioned spending my summer break.