The small things

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First please let me post a very huge, very public thank you for all the support everyone has shown me both on the comments here and through email.

I’ve had two side projects going on for the last few weeks. One is learning to use Ubuntu as an operating system. The other was getting BOINC to compile using Visual Studio under Windows. Both projects were interesting. The Ubuntu one is still on going and will be for quite some time. The VS studio project is officially done. I didn’t manage to make it work. And I spent a good part of Sunday beating myself up over it. But then I had an email conversation with one of the developers and he told me that he too finds it difficult to troubleshoot VS issues. So I’m now willing to entertain the thought that my inability to get this to work isn’t 100% my fault (maybe 99.5%).

The Ubuntu project is going somewhat better. I have an intense fear of the Terminal (or any command line interface for that matter) but I’m working on tackling it. The weekend I started this whole adventure, I ran into issues getting my music library to play. Either I couldn’t play m4a files in one program or the other program refused to see the partition my music is on. I posted for help on the BOINC boards I moderate (so many smart people hang out there) and got some. I have to say an especially huge thank you to Eric. He walked me through building mpg123 from source. Even with the snags I hit and the questions I asked, he remained helpful and patient. And we all know that I’m not always the easiest person to help.

But more importantly than getting my music to play or using the Terminal to do stuff, I had a focused conversation with someone of the male gender. I didn’t run away. I didn’t completely and totally flip out. I had my fears. And as intense as those fears were, I stuck with it. Logically, I knew I know Eric well enough to know that he probably wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. But the fear is always there.

It’s my hope that by continuing to interact via email with people like Eric, I can desensitize myself. The only way I’m going to move on with my life is to confront the fears and push through them.

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

4 responses »

  1. Way to go!

    All this hard work you are doing (this conversation with a guy) could account for so much of the increased negative emotions and urges… when you fight it fights back.

  2. You have a very good point Marcy. I didn’t think about that.

    Eric was kind enough to type up some extensive explanations to some of my questions. I now have a boat load of reading to do.

    I can say for certain that my anxiety about working with the command line is much less than it was just a couple of days ago. I’m starting to do a few things from memory. And I found just asking Eric a question usually points me in the right direction for me to find my own answer.

    *sigh*

    If only all of my anxieties were this easy to overcome.

  3. Pingback: A matter of trust « Finding the Light in the Darkness

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