Recovering from Father’s Day

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I didn’t even realize last Sunday was Father’s Day until I read something about it on a blog last night. Makes me wonder if I did know that subconsciously and that’s where my problems stemmed from Sunday afternoon and evening.

I try not to acknowledge Father’s Day, or Mother’s Day for that matter. What’s the point? Yeah. They’re my parents, but they weren’t much of parents. I had teachers and mentors that were better parents than mine were.

So, it’s been a rough few days emotionally. I’ve managed to keep it together at work for the most part. I really enjoy being around my kids. But there are times it feels like knives being driven through my heart.

For some reason, the hardest time for me is when I’m supervising recess. I watch the kids (ages 5 and 6) running around the playground and I’m so aware of how different I was at that age. I don’t have a lot of clear memories. But I do remember sitting off in a corner by myself during recess. I remember feeling so different from other kids my age the entire time I was growing up.

But other than the issues during recess, I’ve just gone to work and taught my classes and dealt with the flashbacks as best I can. Not to say that I’ve been dealing with them well. I still have a tendency to start to dissociate when they start. It’s noisy enough at work that I don’t slip to far away. But at home is a totally different story.

I just keep trying to tell myself that all this stuff is in the past. And as bad as it feels, there’s nothing in the memories that can hurt me. So why is it so hard to believe that sometimes?

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

14 responses »

  1. Hi Katm,
    I found your blog the other day. I’ve been looking for other survivor blogs. Um, that’s hard to say! I started blogging about recovering from an eating disorder and then a couple months ago I started to get memories, had them sorta confirmed.

    I guess I’m introducing myself because I’m not the “lurker” type. I wanted you to know that I read this and I can relate. Also, that it’s terribly sad for me to be around little kids who are close to the age I was when abused right now.

    Thank you for blogging. So much.

    with love,
    ae

  2. ae: Thanks for stopping by. I know how you “not lurker” types are. Oh wait. I’m one of those types. :)

    I’ll pop by your blog shortly.

    *sigh*

    I wish there was an easier way to do all of this healing.

  3. At our old church, on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and other holidays, they’d make a point of talking about those for whom it was not a happy occasion, for whatever reason — to offer peace and support to those folks in the congregation, and also to pray for them and for those folks elsewhere. Very thoughtful and considerate.

  4. I don’t know why it’s hard to believe, but I know that sometimes it is. *hugs* are really all that I can offer, and also a gentle reminder of how strong you are – don’t forget.

    You’ll get there eventually – I’ve no doubt of that.

    T x

  5. We understand exactly how you feel about these special days as too many of us do. What really irks us is the commercials that make it appear everyones mother and father were angelic which we know was not true. We wonder how many people buy the cards and gifts who really have no desire or reason to?

    Next time you feel yourself slipping into the past, get an ice
    cube and squeeze it in your hand, it will help keep you in the present, it really works!

    peace and blessings

    Keepers

  6. Marcy… what your church does is wonderful. These holidays can be so painful for various reasons. I’ve walked out of mass on more than one occassion when the priest starts gushing over how wonderful the day is.

    Keepers… I hate those commercials. I hate those cards. I hate the whole Hallmark holiday thing. For the longest time I did the whole card/gift thing out of a sense of obligation. Not anymore. I can’t do that to myself. It’s not fair to my past to pretend like everything is all sugar and roses.

    I’ve tried the ice thing before, both for SI urges and dissocation. It never really worked for me. The one thing I did discover was that really strong mints did work. I need to have my brother send me a tin of Altoids. I haven’t found anything comparable in Korea yet.

  7. Thanks Natasha.

    I do know I’ll get there eventually. It’s just the path to that point sucks so bad right now.

    Thanks for the hugs.

  8. I see what you mean. I read the first few lines of your post from Father’s Day and realized where it was going. I couldn’t read more without it sending me to a bad place place too. It’s scary, those memories.

    You have so much insight into what happens with you. I know that must really help facilitate your healing journey.

    Bluepeony

  9. As children we experienced these things with the eyes of a child who knew very little about the world. We didn’t experience these things with 20 plus years of life experience but we do now. Our reasoning says, “this should kill me”. Our fears say, “this should kill me.” Seeing our past with adult eyes is why it’s so frightening because now we fully grasp the horrors which is what makes it so hard for me to look at it. I grasp it now, in full horrific colour I understand it.

    It is very difficult for me to watch children laugh and play. I want to cry inside. It’s not that I don’t want them to be happy. It’s just that I feel little myself while watching them so then I’m scared because I feel young and vulnerable. Then of course I’m made because I feel vulnerable. The cycle is vicious.

    until again,
    Austin

  10. Austin…

    Thanks for giving me an idea for a new entry. It will have to wait until tomorrow when I’ve booted back into Vista. Right now I’m in Linux and I personally can’t stand using wp.com’s online editor.

  11. Pingback: Watching children « Finding the Light in the Darkness

  12. Congrats D on your new son. He’s quite the handsome little lad.

    It really sounds like you are and will continue to be an excellent dad.

    I have this little niggling of jealously building… Sorry.

  13. I don’t have any contact with my father, so I do my absolute best to ignore Father’s Day.

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