Anxiety, Emotions, Friends, Self Injury, Suicide

Other people’s thoughts

To make a long story extremely short, I had another online run in with a person in the BOINC community over the last few days.

I was stressed nearly to my breaking point with all this crap going on with my visa. This incident pushed me almost over the edge today. My stress level got so high, I was having close to uncontrollable self injury urges for the second day in a row. It took all of my will power to keep myself from doing something I knew I’d regret. And I’m glad I managed to keep myself okay. But it would have felt really good (at least for a short time) to take out all these pent up frustrations on my body. And yes, I do know it wouldn’t have solved anything.

But the real point of this entry is how difficult it is to read the nice things other people say about me. With the blow up in the BOINC Trac Ticket system, I was in touch with one of the developers. I ended up talking to Rom on MSN after a short email exchange with him. It wasn’t so much the chat on MSN that got to me as was his last email to me.

It’s so bloody hard to read or hear nice things about myself. I end up questioning the other person’s sanity as what they say doesn’t fit into my own mental schemes. I know this kind of thinking is twisted and crazy.

Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to read…

 

You are such an idiot. How could you have done what you did? Did you not think? I regret the day I ever decided to have you on as a moderator and tester. The community would be better off without you! Just as soon as I get David on the phone, you’ll be removed as a moderator and banned from the forums.

 

But instead, I read…

 

You and Jord are providing a much need and valuable contribution to the project. … I very much respect and admire the role you both play, since it isn’t one that I can do without going crazy. … You and Jord got yourselves into the positions you are in because you are providing valuable input and insight into the development process. … I would like to point out another observation, you have had many more positive dealings with the development group than most others, you are in a position to know what our priorities are, what might change in the future, and where we might go. That is what I see when I look at how you classify bugs, all Lena saw was how a software feature affects her personally, not how it plays into the project as a whole. Please keep your chin up, BOINC is better with your help, than without your help.

I felt like complete crap inside when I read that. I felt like a fraud. I think I know Rom well enough to believe that he wouldn’t have written what he wrote unless he really meant it. But that doesn’t change the way I felt while reading it.

After all this blew up, I called my best friend and we ended up going out to BW-3. After a half dozen spicy garlic wings and a berry margarita we headed to a bar to watch the Indians game. There I had two very large (the big tall glasses) and very strong (roughly 3:1 alcohol to soda) rum and cokes. I ended up quite drunk. It didn’t feel all that great while drunk. It feels even worse now. This is why I don’t drink as a general rule. I end up feeling like absolute shit afterwards.

So now not only do I have the self injury thoughts going through my head, I have the suicidal ones too. Until I was stupid and got drunk, the suicidal thoughts had been remarkably quiet.

I’d call my therapist and see if I could get in, except I canceled the insurance on my car so I can’t drive. And I’m not much for driving without insurance nor calling my parents as they don’t know I was seeing a therapist to begin with.

Ugh… I’m such an idiot.

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7 thoughts on “Other people’s thoughts”

  1. Powerful stuff. To have someone who knows you (better than this Lena does, anyway) advocate for you against someone who doesn’t know you (but whose message confirmed your own negative self-talk). Glad you fought through the SI urges. I hope you do well coping with the suicidal stuff — including a plan in case things get bad enough that you do need to go get help.

  2. Things look somewhat better this morning.

    I was still on that drunk/hungover cusp last night. This morning I just have a horrible headache. I’m such an idiot.

    One thing I told Rom in an email yesterday was that he was one of the people that has contributed to the beginnings of me rebuilding my trust in humanity. The entire development team has been a part of that. And that, as they say, is a good thing.

  3. sorry things have been so mucked up for you and we are hoping they take a turn for the better asap! we too expect the worse and have a hard time accepting positive feedback. it is a long arduous task to change your thinking and accept a compliment.

    hang on and hope the headache is gone also!

    keepers

  4. Sorry keepers. I had to recuse your comment out of Akismet.

    Thanks for the kind words. It’s hard, oh so hard, for me to see myself as anything but a steaming pile of crap. I’m working on changing that. Last night I went through half of my archived email and tagged things that challenge my self perceptions with “Could this be the truth?” (only another 3000 messages to go through). So now when I start the negative self talk I can go back and easily see what other people have said that is contrary to my own self perceptions.

  5. Hon,

    Please hang in there. You are NOT an idiot. You are healing. You are doing the best that you can. You can and will beat this, I promise you. Just whatever you do, don’t give up!

    Its good that you went out with your friend to get your mind off of things. Though getting drunk was a form of self destructive behavior you got through the day without injuring your body which is HUGE! You should be really proud of yourself.

    Please don’t concentrate on the things you see as being “wrong”. Concentrate on what you’ve done right and continue to build on you coping skills. It all takes time but you will get there.

    *Safe Hugs*

    ~ Ani

  6. Yes, yes, yes…I’m currently trying to work through a quagmire. It’s not quite the same as I am basically not receiving any positive feedback and having to try and create my own. Uh, yeah…I’m not a loser, repeat: I’m not a loser…sure. In the mean time, I’m also trying to not cognitively distort the hell out of everything.

    I just got dumped by someone and although we had just started seeing each other–well, getting dumped is getting dumped, right? And yes, I had high hopes and really liked her.

    I’m really glad to hear you’re fighting the self harm urges, though. That is great! I was thinking about having a big self harm flip out but then I thought…’you know, that would be really stupid considering I just got out of hospital. I’ve been working so hard to try and get better.’

    And then! I think the pharmacy screwed up my last order and I literally have months and months worth of my entire cocktail. Now I know I wouldn’t die but I’d probably end up very sick if I just downed them all and it would certainly make a statement. But then I got to thinking, ‘oh come on…if I do that…that’s just ridiculous! I’m probably going to get dumped by someone else in the future so what am I going to do…self harm or OD every time?!?!’ With my track record, I’ll have more ODs and scars than you’ll care to count (and I already have some of both…)

    And you’re not an idiot for drinking. Crap, I went out and did it as soon as I got the email from my darling dumper. Straight to the bloody pub, I went. Nice impulse control, there! If anyone’s an idiot, it’s me!

    It can take A LOT of time to get used to people saying nice things to/about you and it actually getting through. Sometimes I have a harder time dealing with it than others. I think it might depend upon my mood? That would probably be a fair statement. I don’t know if you have any mood lability issues–if you feel a bit more positive or up than down at all?

    But still, I know that it took me a long time to be able to handle any type of compliment. I was always discounting them and it was almost physically uncomfortable to hear them. I would almost want to start squirming in my seat! But perhaps, like me(?) it will get a bit easier for you with time.

    And remember, if you need to talk–you know where to find me.

    Take care,
    PA

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