Time for more homework from my therapist… After discussion on a variety of topics, she has given me more homework.
She asked me to try to write things I like about myself. My own self worth is pretty low right now. I blame myself for the things that happened with my family and with James. It was pointed out to me that I’m harder on myself than anyone else will probably ever be. But that’s for a future entry I guess.
So what do I like about me? Blargh. Not much really. It’s so easy to write what I hate about myself. But that wasn’t my assignment. Although it would be an interesting one to do and then to try and write the reasons why those things are not accurate. But I guess that’s an entry for another day as well.
Hmmm… so it seems like I’m doing everything I can not to write this entry, including cleaning my room.
It’s extremely uncomfortable to even entertain the question. I’m so used to focusing on the parts of myself that I don’t like. I’m so used to putting myself down. I’m so used to discounting anything good I’ve done.
For fun, I’m timing how long it takes me to come up with this list. My start time is 10:37 PM.
So here’s my attempt at listing the things I like about myself.
I’m curious about how things work.
I’m always trying to learn something new.
I ask a lot of questions.
I always try to be nice to people, animals, plants and inanimate objects.
I try to help out when I can.
It’s now 2:10 AM and I can’t come up with anything else. I haven’t been sitting here for 4 hours beating my head over this. But I have been thinking about it.
As I said when I started, it’s really hard for me to think about this question. My feelings are all jumbled up. Even using my feeling faces, it’s really hard to pick out what I’m feeling. But I think a big part of it is anxious. I know our accomplishments were minimized and our short-comings emphasized while growing up. So there’s that little nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me these things are no big deal. They’re ordinary. And they’re nothing to be proud of.