Shades of my past

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As I put in my sidebar, I moderate all comments. It’s my personal preference to do so. Chalk it up to me being a control freak. I want to know what other people are saying before I release the comments to the world. And I’ve caught a few comments where people left an email address or phone number.

The other day I received a comment on my entry about cleaning my room. The entirety of the comment was one word.

Finished?

When I read it, the first thing I thought of was my mother saying “Are you finished yet?” when I cried. That one word snapped me back to a time when I was 6 years old. When I had been beaten with a belt for not finishing my dinner. When I had cried out in pain. When I was screamed at for a normal human reaction.

I read that comment and I sat in front of the computer just sobbing. I sat there feeling a sense of terror. I sat there waiting for my mother to walk through the door and start screaming at me. I sat there with all of the emotions I’ve been holding back just flowing out of me. And nothing bad happened. I ended up with red, swollen eyes and a runny nose. But the earth didn’t open up and swallow me alive. And I survived.

So as much as the comment hurt me, it ended up being the trigger that released so much that was pent up inside of me. And as much as I know that’s a good thing, it still hurts like hell. I’d rather not sit there crying like that. But I know it’s a necessary part of this journey.

The other thing that it brought to the forefront of my mind is just how much my past has colored my perceptions of the things that happen in the present. I know we use past experiences to interpret the present. That’s only human. We need a framework to help us understand the world. But I seem to see the negative in everything. In fact, I was hurt by something that wasn’t even intended to be posted on my blog.

How do I know? After I calmed myself down, I did the rational thing and asked the person what the comment meant via email. Turns out it was meant to be posted somewhere else. It was never meant to go to my blog. It was never meant to hurt me. It was an accident on that person’s part.

I jumped to a conclusion based on one word. A word that triggered a memory. A word that, in of itself, is harmless. And this whole thing has helped me understand myself much better.

So as strange as it sounds, thank you to this person for making that mistake and helping me face something and realize something that needed to be seen and understood.

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

5 responses »

  1. Oh wow, oh wow, is this impressive. I’m sorry it hurts, but how good it is to be able to feel and not be destroyed. And I’m impressed that you took the initiative to find out what the commenter intended, instead of just taking it as you’d assumed as if you deserved such a thing.

  2. I’m really impress with your progress lately. Lesson of life aren’t always easy but some bring us so much in weird ways. I’m glad that you got to cry at last and that you have found some relief in it! Take care. Big hug!xx

  3. like you, there is sadness that it happened and also gratitude because of what it released, we hope the healing over that may now begin for you and that younger part of you.

    safe hugs to her and you

    keepers

  4. This processing you did here, it is wonderful work. I am so glad you were able to experience first hand the relief of tears as well as the assurance that you will not fade away or die. And I’m happy that you sought further understanding of the comment. This is a good thing.

    I read the dream entry as well. I haven’t been doing much on the dream therapy because most of them I don’t remember anymore. I just have that sick inside feeling, the one that makes me want to stay in bed.

    As the person said above, you are progressing quite well.
    smiles to you and yours,
    Austin

  5. I have to agree with Marcy in that it was really good of you to contact the commenter and ask what they meant. I’ve never been in a situation like that before where a commenter has confused me (and I don’t moderate my comments) so I think that was very smart and also very brave of you. I will try to remember to follow your example!

    So often we leap to conclusions and when I was in hospital recently, I came home with a whole list of Cognitive Distortions from some CBT work. I mean…I am the Queen of Cognitive Distortions. It’s amazing how we can take something so out of context and let our brains just run with it and really…we are so off the mark.

    But I too am sorry that it was such a trigger for you–even though it was unintentional. It’s hard to go through pain like that.

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