Words that hurt

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I’m getting flooded with memories today. I’m emotionally exhausted right now. I want to put up a wall around myself and hide from everyone and everything. But the problem with that is the pain is coming from inside of me. So putting up walls doesn’t solve any problems.

I’m hearing my parents’ voice in my head. The things she said to me over the years. I just need to get them out. I’m not even going to comment on them. I just need them outside of my head right now.

  • I wish you were never born!
  • I’ll give you something to cry about!
  • You’ll never amount to anything!
  • How can you be so stupid?
  • You’re such a brat!
  • Why can’t you be more like (insert name here)?
  • I hate you!
  • What the hell is your problem?
  • You should have known better!
  • You’re throwing your life away!
  • What don’t you just behave?
  • You drive me to drink!
  • Is this what you want?
  • Why do you have to spoil everything?
  • You’re so damn lazy!
  • You make me sick!
  • Don’t you talk to me like that!
  • This hurts me more than it hurts you!
  • I should trade you in on a new model!
  • You are such a slob!
  • Do you know what happens to little girls who lie?
  • “Mental Giant”!
  • “Queen Shit”!
  • You think you’re so damn smart!
  • For a kid who’s supposed to be so smart, you’re pretty damn dumb!
  • Who do you think you are?
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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

12 responses »

  1. All I can say is “I’m so very sorry.” I can only imagine what that must feel like. Just reading your list hurts, and those words aren’t even directed to me. I hope getting them out like that helps you in some way.

  2. I feel for you. I have heard some on them personaly before. I don’t even wan’t to imagine what it must have been to hear them all the time for you growing up. Words destroy and physical pain heals. Hang in there Katm, I know it’s not easy but you have to change those little voice in your head. You are special in your own way. Your parents had no idea the chance they had to have you in their life. Hugs

  3. way too many of us have heard those phrases and the hurt associated with them. please know we care and understand.
    sending safe and gentle hugs for you

    keepers

  4. I can understand how you are feeling. I am sorry for the little child who had to hear those terrible things.

  5. Something you might try with the list — for each statement, write a challenge — what’s really true about you. I.e. instead of “I’ll give you something to cry about,” challenge could be “I have valid reasons for crying, and crying is okay.”

  6. those very statements seem to stick with the brain and hold it in a bind. it’s why i believe that verbal abuse lasts longer than physical abuse. those old statements/tapes keep playing even when we try our best not to hear them they play. the good thing is that they do eventually begin to play at lower volumes than before.

    Austin

  7. Thanks everyone. I saw my T again today (blog entry in progress). We didn’t talk specifically about this stuff (as I handed her it 5 minutes before the end of the session… plenty of other stuff to talk about).

    Thing is that the volume is usually manageable. Yesterday it just flooded me. All of my defenses were pretty much down.

    Marcy… I plan on taking all of those statements and coming up with challenges to them. It’s just a matter of sitting down and really thinking about it. And after not sleeping last night, I’m too exhausted to do it.

  8. Pingback: Challenging the words that hurt « Finding the Light in the Darkness

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