My frustration level is rising higher and higher and higher. I’m doing all I can to hold myself together. But right now, SI seems like a really great idea.
It’s been over six years since I last cut. And although I’d like to keep it that way, I’m quickly approaching the limits. I made a promise to myself and I really want to keep it. But I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with things before I’ll explode.
So, I had a conversation with a friend a few weeks back about the whole SI thing. I realize it’s a hard thing to understand if it’s something you don’t do. Hell, I used to do it and deal with the urges and I don’t know that I understand. He (in his own way) challenged me to think about the reasons why I want to hurt myself. So after sitting on this for a while, I’ve decided to post it.
1. Part of it was because I felt it. I was so numb at times. I had a tendency to dissociate and lose track of where I was and when it was and to some extent who I was. The pain brought me back to reality.
2. Part of it was because I was punishing myself. I thought that (and to a large extent still do think that) what was done to me was my fault. I blame myself. I see the opportunities I had to tell someone about it and I failed to do so. I could have at least tried to stop it. There’s no guarantee that it would have worked. But I didn’t do anything. And I felt like I needed to be punished for that.
3. Part of it was the intense hatred I felt for myself. I felt like I deserved to be hurt. And instead of letting someone else hurt me, I did it. At least I could control it.
4. Part of it was an attempt to take the pain inside of me and bring it outside. If I could see the blood, at least that was real. It was physical. It was tangible. The pain I felt inside often times was nondescript. I couldn’t describe it with words or pictures or sounds. But I could do that with the cuts.
5. Part of it was it gave me something to focus on. I would get so caught up in the memories that the act of cutting brought me back outside of my head. I guess this is related to number 1.
6. Part of it was control. I didn’t feel like I could control the memories and emotions. But I could control the cutting. I got to choose when I did it. I got to choose when I stopped. I guess this is related to number 3.
So, you see, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. But then again, whoever said that taking a razor blade and slicing into flesh was a rational thing to do. And I’m not sure that I feel all that much better for posting this.