Thoughts of bridges

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I’m not sure what happened in the last few hours. All of a sudden, really out of the blue, the suicidal thoughts started up again. They haven’t been completely silent these last few weeks, but extremely quiet. Tonight, they are loud and intense. And if the suicidal thoughts aren’t enough, I can’t seem to get cutting off my mind. I don’t think I’ll do it, but damn, I can’t stop thinking about it.

It was like something went snap a few hours ago. I can’t pin point it. A ton of pent up frustration? I don’t know. Does the why really matter? I just know I feel like absolute shit.

I certainly didn’t sleep well last night. The little time I did sleep was hardly restful. I know I had a terrible nightmare because I woke up drenched in sweat. But I’ll be damned if I can actually remember what the dream was about.

I’m starting to question whether I’ll ever actually find a job. I know I shouldn’t take the school rescinding the contract personally. But right now I feel like a complete failure.

I was told by my grandmother last night that she doesn’t want to be left alone at all anymore. So when I called my mother to ask her to come over for a few hours so I could do the grocery shopping I was told “She’ll just have to get over it!”. My grandmother is nearly 90 years old and has dementia. So the grocery shopping didn’t get done. I shouldn’t have to beg my mother to come sit with her mother.

A guy posted cryptic messages about a friend and I across a bunch of forums last night. Can we just say “paranoia overdrive”? I email the person the guy who posted was talking about and didn’t get a response (only because he didn’t want to answer anything that might have been work related). And that only got me more paranoid. Turns out I didn’t do anything. But somehow I still feel like I’ve done something wrong.

My computer is acting goofy again. Freezing for seconds at a time for no apparent reason and taking forever and a day to open programs. I’m going to buy a new computer just as soon as I have a signed contract in hand.

So here I sit trying to work out the jumble of feelings in my head. I sit here looking at the bottles of pills that I know I should flush, but can’t make myself get rid of them. I sit here wishing for physical pain instead of the mental pain. I sit here feeling stupid for posting this. And I sit here wishing the friend I’m talking to via IM would go to bed because appearing like I give a crap is exhausting.

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5 responses »

  1. Kathryn, please let me know you have numbers to call when things get like this. I am so sorry it was a very bad night for you.
    Your Grandma is very blessed to have YOU in her life, she must feel very safe with you.
    I believe a job offer will come your way, when the time is right, but right now the most important thing to do, is to take care of you, be kind to yourself, you, above all deserve it.
    For this day, Kathryn is in my prayers, and held very closely.

  2. oh dear. whats going on tonight? Some bad energy circling…

    I hope you stay strong. You can expect something of a downswing after a let down like this can’t you? Try to just ride it out and hang onto some positives…

    And theres nothing wrong with telling someone that youre too exhausted to chat…anyone who doesnt understand that isnt worth the time anyway.

  3. Thanks to both of you. I’m feeling slightly better this morning. Just a lot of pent up frustration coming out in a very negative way, I think.

    I know I could have told that person that I needed the time alone. But I think it was better that I was talking about nothing. It distracted me. Yeah. I wanted him to shut the hell up, but it was better that he kept on babbling about stupid stuff.

    I do have crisis numbers. I just have never had very good luck with the crisis lines in my area. So I just try to let my coping skills carry me.

  4. sounds like your skills are working quite well, we understand the difficulties but you are surviving and moving onward, very proud of you for your success and determination.

    keepers

  5. just stay strong don’t give up on anything something good will happen for you sooner or later don’t hurt yourself take good care of yourself for your grandmother who’s lucky to have such a caring and kind person like you around her

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