I’m sitting here again. It’s 2:00 AM. I’m on the verge of panic. And I’ve been that way for at least the last two hours. I’m trying to concentrate on my breathing. I know I need to calm myself down. But it’s proving to be an extremely difficult task.
Once again, the thoughts of self injury and suicide are running through my head like a run away train. Please just don’t let it end in a wreck. I tried calling a hotline, but hung up before anyone answered the phone. I can put my words on paper, but to speak them… I don’t know how to do it. Plus, the last time I called one of the hotlines (granted, it’s been a couple years), I got a person who was less than compassionate and told me that I just needed to move on. Easy for him to say. So I tend to shy away from the hotlines.
For whatever reason, tonight the flashbacks are multisensory. I can pretty much deal with the flashbacks when they’re limited to one sensory modality. But it’s like a blitz attack when they hit everything at once. It makes my head spin.
The worst part isn’t what I see or hear in my head. It’s feeling it in my body. I don’t know how many times tonight I’ve just been doubled up in pain. It feels like my body is being ripped in two. And then it gets combined with seeing and hearing and smelling everything. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m shaking so bad. I find myself holding my breath. I have to concentrate really hard to remember to keep breathing. And I’m so cold. It’s definitely not cold in the here. I turned up the heat for my grandmother. In all honestly, I should be sweating. But I’m sitting here wrapped in a blanket because I can’t stop shivering.
I wish I could get these thoughts of cutting out of my head. I’ve been trying to write an email to a friend explaining why I have the self-injury urges. But I’ve been failing miserably. I just don’t have the words to describe how and why these feelings arise and why I did it in the past.
I’m tired. But the thought of getting into anything resembling a bed is freaking me out. I tried going down into the basement and sleeping on the old porch glider. But even that was too much like a bed. I tried sleeping in the chair in the living room, but it ended up hurting my back so much that I had to move. So here I am.
I’m finding it more and more difficult to figure out reasons to live. I know I need to hang on… just a little bit longer. But I’m not entirely sure whether it’s worth the fight.
I know I’m not making any sense. But I just needed to get it out tonight before I completely explode.