I’m still working on it. It’s extremely slow going. And that frustrates me. I made good gains the first week and a half or so. I consistently made it up to about two minutes before freaking out. Lately I’ve been doing good if I make it past 30 seconds. And that frustrates me. But I’m not giving up on it.
I did end up going to Bath and Body Works, but not buying anything. The two pairs of dress pants and the blazer (for job interviews) had something to do with it. But I think it was Austin that said to me that perhaps I feel like I don’t deserve it. And that was a part of it.
So I compromised. I found some Suave products that smelled good (and were a lot cheaper). The one I settled on (after a long time thinking about it) was the Toasted Vanilla and Sugar shampoo and matching body wash. No conditioner, I don’t have enough hair to need it.
And actually, my skin feels better using that body wash than it did with the cheap bar soap I was buying at the dollar store. I don’t have as bad dry skin as before.
Anyway. When I saw my therapist on Tuesday we talked a bit about the shower. One of the things I’m afraid of is losing control. I’m a total control freak. Control of my thoughts. Control of the memories. Control of my emotions. She suggested that perhaps I should go ahead and let myself lose control in the shower. Just stand there and freak out and cry and let all that stuff come to the surface. Nothing bad will happen (as if I believe that). In essence, doing the same sort of thing as with the shower in general. Desensitizing myself to those fears.
I don’t think I can do it right now. I need to retain my control. In fact, I’m hanging onto it for dear life. But it’s something I’m willing to try in the future. It worries me that allowing myself to do that now would push me over the edge to cutting or even worse. Maybe when I’m feeling a bit more stable.