A Pueblo Indian Prayer
Hold on to what is good,
even if it’s a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe,
even if it’s a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do,
even if it’s a long way from here.
Hold on to your life,
even if it’s easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand,
even if I’ve gone away from you.
I found this poem through StumbleUpon. It’s a nifty little add-on for Firefox.
Anyway, the part that hit me was “Hold on to your life, even if it’s easier to let go”. All day today (and in reality, the last couple days as well), I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts bordering on impulses. I’ve ignored chat requests from friends. And when I was trying to do some tech support before dinner, all I could think was “I wish this guy would hurry up and tell me what’s wrong so I can stop acting like I give a damn!”. A crappy attitude I know. But it was all I could think about.
It would be so damn easy to just give up on living. I know it. I think about it constantly. So why fight anymore and go on? I don’t know. I was raised Catholic so I know I’ll go to Hell if I kill myself. But what difference does that make seeing as I’m going there anyway. That’s certainly not stopping me.
Maybe if I end my own life, the people who hurt me will end up winning. And I don’t think I want that. I’ve lost so much in the 18 years I lived with the parental units and the years I dated James. So maybe it’s time for me to win for a change.
I think about the kind of pain I’d cause my friends if I ended my life. I don’t want to hurt Jord or Keith or Cori or Nicolas or Melanie or Tim like that. It wouldn’t be fair to them. Not after all they’ve done to try and help me. It would be extremely selfish on my part.
With all the pain right now, it’s hard to see if there is the possibility of happiness in the future. I’m told there is, but it’s hard for me to believe it.
So I go on. I keep moving through this life despite how I feel. I can’t ever promise that I won’t end my life. But I’ll do my best to hang on as long as I can.