So I saw my therapist on Tuesday (as usual). Not a particularly easy session, but not a particularly rough one either. I’ve had worse ones in the past.
So she gave me an assignment. Something to think about. She wanted me to ask people who are my friends why they like me (and that Peanuts comic just happened to be printed that same day). She wants me to see in black and white the qualities people value in me. There’s a huge disconnect between the way I see myself and the way others see me. I know this. But I’m not so sure how to get from point A (where I am now) to point B (where she thinks I can go).
So here is what people said. I don’t know that I necessarily agree with them. But I read them. And I’ll try to take their words to heart.
A warm, generous person, who has the rare gift of being able to share your joy of all things, thus enriching the lives of all people around you. Caring, understanding, a valued friend, who I feel could help any, in a time of crisis. A unique, warm, human being……
..and because you’re you.
I like you as my friend because you are honest, down to earth, you are there for me if I want a chat and you’re not afraid to put your trouble on my shoulders, you are an intriguing person.
You don’t hide from your troubles, you share them with your friends.
I like you because you have a biiiiiig heart and because you are skilled with great wit!
That is always important because it is not as simple as it may sound: to find someone who can laugh with you about the same things and has a similar sense of humour is not so easy. ;-)
And we are on a similar wavelength with knowing how it feels when one is depressed. We don’t need much words then and understand each other nevertheless. ;-)
I have never know you to be a mean person. I have always regarded you as a dear friend whom I can talk to openly and honestly without having to mask my feelings.
1. A good Listener.
2. An Honest Person.
3. A very caring and loving individual who puts her own problems on hold to help a friend.
She warned me that it probably wouldn’t be easy to see what they had to say. And it wasn’t. In reading the responses I got back, lots of things went through my mind. The first thing that popped into my head was…
“Is (insert name here) NUTS!?!?! I mean come on. How can he/she think that about me. Doesn’t he/she know what a horrible person I am?”
I realize that my gut reaction is exactly what my therapist is talking about. The way I see myself is a steaming pile of crap (on a good day) yet the way others see me is very different.
When I got the response from the first person (not the first person in this post) I was on IM with him. I sat there and cried. I didn’t know what to say to him. The rest I sent through email and as the responses came back to me, I cried again and again and again.
To even entertain the idea of being a good person or a person worthy of love and respect is really hard for me. I tend to tip toe around the subject or just flat out push the other person away.
Regardless of what I think, to these four people, I want to say thank you. Your candor and honesty mean a lot to me. That along with your support have helped me make it through these rough spots lately.