So tired… So scared…

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I spent the last two hours hiding in the closet. I figured it was better to be in there than to be where I might do something to hurt myself.

I was terrified. I don’t know of what though. It’s worse when I can’t put a finger on it.

Scared of myself? Scared of life?

All I know is that I was shaking. I was crying.

Even now, all I can think about is cutting. And if I’m not thinking about that, then it’s dying.

Damn it. I’m not making any sense.

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

2 responses »

  1. you are making sense…someone inside is hurting so very much they feel the need to hideaway in the closet because they are back there when it happened before. flashback, abreaction, whatever you want to call it, it hurts and it is as real as the original occurrence. Be gentle with whoever it is and let them know you care and it is now and they are safe now.

    peace and blessings

    keepers and john

  2. you’re making sense. once I stayed in the closet for 9 days coming out only when I needed to use the restroom. It felt safer in there. I grabbed my blanket and stayed in there. But let me tell you this, the longer you stay in there the harder it is to come out.
    We truly understand why people go in the closet to feel safer. the walls are closer, nothing can sneak up behind you easily, the space is contained, there’s less to focus on, fewer sources of stimulation to be misinterpreted by fears. Staying in the closet helps in this way but with less to stimulate the brain there is more room to dissociate, its easier to get lost in my mind, its easier to lose touch with reality and actually hurt myself. what I’m saying is, depending on the situation, the closet can be either a benefit or it can be harmful. We are just glad you made it out.
    If you happen to need to go in there again perhaps you could bring the phone in there with you. I did this so I could keep in contact with my therapist who I saw at the time. I also left messages on my own answering machine when I needed to talk but there was no one to call. So I sat in the closet either talking to my therapist or my own voice mail until I felt I could come out of there. We came out and we’re happy you came out too.
    Austin

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